Am I controlling ?

[anon12345678910]

basically my boyfriend and I have been together for almost a year now and the new is wearing off.

I always try and make an effort with the relationship and I don't feel the same back.
I don't mean to shower him in presents but I do like making people happy by buying them things that would make them smile which is what I do do but with him I can't remember the last time that happened if not it was for my birthday.

so he told me today he was saving up to buy a vape and I absolutely hate that kind of thing. I don't hate anyone who uses them or smokes or any of the above but that sort of stuff makes me feel ashamed and I wouldn't want to tell anyone that about my boyfriend if he decided to actually purchase it. so I told him I didn't like it and I thought it was pointless and I waste of money in the nicest way I could but he obviously got mad at me

he's smoked weed before and we are only quite young and apparently I'm controlling for not liking him doing that either. I asked him if he could not do that but nowadays I know that's wrong and he is his own person and can make his own decisions but I don't want him to participate in that.

I think it comes down to me being much more immature than him and I'm sad because I love him so much and I don't want to loose him but I also don't want to have to deal with him wanting to participate in those types of things.

it makes me sad also because his friends thinks I'm controlling and he doesn't defend me and I don't think I'm controlling.
when he goes out with his friends I'm very  supportive nowadays and usually I'm just at home doing my own thing but I always get worried that he's doing something silly and he snuck out once and he told me he was going to bed which made me upset and then he turned it back on me saying that i shouldn't be mad at him bc his friend woke him up to sneak out and it wasn't planned or anything like that and he ignored my calls and texts for a whole day bc of that

idk am i controlling? in most cases I just want him to be the amazing guy he is when he is with me and not that silly immature one he is with his friends.

[Nighthawk61]

That's what i'm thinking. That' you may just not be compatible.

You say of the smoking weed..."I think it comes down to me being much more immature than him and I'm sad because I love him so much and I don't want to loose him but I also don't want to have to deal with him wanting to participate in those types of things"

You're not immature because you don't smoke weed or want to be around it. It is simply a choice of what you see yourself doing and being around...

Then you say.." in most cases I just want him to be the amazing guy he is when he is with me and not that silly immature one he is with his friends."

so you're saying that you are more immature, and then that he is... it sounds like you're confused.

It could be that neither of you have found the right partner. It's sad to walk away from a relationship but a blessing when you find the "right one" . Sacrifices must be made to find your best life. with your best partner. I'm sorry it's so hard.

We're here always to talk though, so that's a plus. keep your chin up.

[specialmom]

I guess in general, I do agree with anniebrooke.  And I have to say 'thank heavens' I'm not with any of my early romantic partners.  

But with that said, to answer your question----  let me just say this.  When ultimately choosing a long term partner, there are big things to think of.  I'm more about compatibility, loyalty, etc.  My husband stinks at choosing presents for me, always has.  He's not great at planning something super special no matter how hard he tries (which is on special occasions only usually).  I do that stuff.  I do it for both of us. It gives ME pleasure.  But overall, he's a great husband and father and life partner.  The gift buying or 'little' things are super nice, don't get me wrong.  But-----  they weren't high on my list for finding someone to be with for eternity.  

Maybe it is more important to you though.  There is a book that I'm trying to remember the name of---  something like the 5 Love Languages.  Some have gifts and such as a very big part of feeling loved.  You don't feel loved by him if he isn't doing these things.  It's not his fault---  he speaks a different love language.  So, maybe you two are just not compatible.

good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

It's very hard to have a lasting relationship when you are young because of all the emotional growing up both people still have to do before they are ready for the marathon of a life commitment.  I'd ease up about the vaping and the weed (and about the resentment over not getting presents -- some people don't buy things for their partners, my husband rarely does, and it doesn't mean there is a lack of love) but I would also begin thinking of how to ease out of the relationship.  It does not sound like either of you is ready for it to be long term..