You're in a battle with him because you want him to change. But, nobody can force another person to change. No amount of fighting or criticism is going to do it, and probably no amount of love and support will do it either. We are who we are, and we change for our own reasons, not because someone else is telling us to. He will continue to be the way he is no matter how much you shriek at him and flip him off in your desire to force him to be better. So, assuming you don't want to be with him the way he is and understanding he isn't going to change, it's pretty easy to see that you need to stop seeing him as your boyfriend, and to walk away from your tendency to think fighting with someone will change him.
Once you're out of the relationship and done, do get some counseling for yourself. Not about "toxicity" but about being enabling. You need to figure out what it is about yourself, that you put up with a drug-using boyfriend for so long. Learning he has substance-abuse problems should have been the end of it. Find out with your counselor why you put yourself in the way of misery by staying this guy's girlfriend. You can do better for yourself.
Oh wow. Well you two are simply not compatible. Now I will go point by point.
- Hitting him in the car while he's driving, even though it wasn't hard you're putting both of your lives in danger. And imagine if the roles were reversed. He'd have much worse time of as a "woman beater" believe me.. leaving you in the car to stew after what you've done is a bare minimum
- Controlling his spending. Control over someone's finaces is actually considered a part of psychological abuse. Again imagine if the roles were reversed. You're not married, you don't have joint account and if you live together and he pays his half of the bills - that's it. What he spends the rest of his money on is his thing. It's not like he's letting your children go hungry. Also it seems that it bothers you because he spends his money on things he likes (live music) and not the things you like (a new dress). Gifts are voluntary, that's why they're gifts. And it's unfair to want him to do with his money what you approve.
- Now drugs. If this is what he does and it bothers you, and he doesn't seem like he wants tl quit that's a fairly good reason to break up. But not as some kind of threat. Break up and mean it. You didn't stand your ground when you broke up with him because of drugs before, you took him back. So he knows he can just do it and there will be no repercussions.
Also cocaine is expensive, and if his job isn't paid well you shouldn't be the one financing the rest of your common expenses.
It just seems that you want to change him, he doesn't want to change and instead of going your separate ways you two are just torturing each other and act like teenagers instead of calling it quits. It's not healthy, there's very bleak future from what I can see. And moreover you're just waisting each other's time.
Thank you auntijesse and anniebrook for your advice, I really needed to get someone else’s view, that weren’t my friends or family. I wanted a fresh mind to look at my situation from your point of view, I finally decided to cut all ties with this guy. I held on for so long because I seen the good in him , but at the end of the day his drinking problem and his cocaine use and drug dealing involvement, is something I don’t want to be dealing with now or the future. I held on to him because I knew he did really love me and wouldn’t cheat on , and in this generation that’s extremely hard to find. BUT I will rather be alone in peace instead of waiting for him to change and I don’t have the time to be a acting like a “mom” all the time, expecting him to do things right when he doesn’t want to change. I appreciate you both for hearing me out and giving me your advice.
I agree 100% with Annie.
This relationship is toxic. At this point, it doesn't matter if you're toxic, he's toxic, or you're just toxic together.
He's not bringing out the best in you, for sure, and you probably aren't bringing out the best in him. You're not good to or for each other.
I've been in a toxic relationship. It just sucks the life right out of you. I don't know why you're staying. It's not love. Maybe you're afraid to be alone, maybe you think if he changes for you it proves you're worthy or have value, maybe you don't think you can do better. Maybe it's something else. Only you know, but whatever that little voice is telling you, it's wrong.
This is not what a healthy, happy relationship looks like. There aren't breakups and punches, and fights over drugs and drinking and spoiling to prove whatever.
Just not cheating on you is a really low bar for a relationship. You can aim higher than that. There are men out there who will meet the standards you set - no drugs, no cheating, no screaming fights at parties, stable living, stable employment, etc.
So yes, I agree with getting therapy to find out why you think this is okay for you, to find out why your bar is so low. Work on your self-esteem. Don't do it so you can find a better man. Do it so you know you are the best, healthiest, happiest, strongest version of you. You'll never settle again if you are those things.