Am I overreacting??

[SarahMWe133]

Lately it feels like my boyfriend just keeps letting me down, its not on purpose,but we will always make plans and then hell be busy , and the other night we were out and he just got so drunk and left me care for him unconscious all night when we were suppose to spend the night having fun. I just dont know how to deal with it. Am I overreacting?

[Nighthawk61]

You are NOT over reacting. A person that drinks to get drunk and to be oblivious is a big RED FLAG. The fact that you don't see him often and he's done this more than once, is  another BIG RED FLAG. You already know this, and it's the reason why you're so upset.  I'm sorry you're getting these red flags but the reality is that dating when you're young is meant precisely for you to find out what you'll be happy to accept and what makes you unhappy and not accepting of certain behaviors.  Instead of being on the sunny side of street, you've been put in the position of watching a person who may or may not wake up after a bout of drinking. It happens. What if he put his life at risk, and you were the person that had to watch him die? What if you had to wrestle with blaming yourself for the rest of your life that you didn't take him to the hospital because he became unconscious? How would that affect you for the rest of your life? He's asking too much if he wants you to be his caretaker while he uses alcohol to escape the stress of becoming a man.  That's not what your role should be in his life.  Demand his full attention with a couple of drinks and you'll know you have his heart. Otherwise, you'll have good reason to wonder. Sorry if it's not what you want to hear.

[SarahMWe133]

No its okay I get what your saying, but I the main problem isn't about the drinking its about the time he never has to see me. I don't know how to address this issue to him cause I don't really know what to think of the situation.

[SarahMWe133]

I believe its because he is my top priority but I'm not his? It's kinda an unequal balance.

[Nighthawk61]

Well, first things first. I would let him know that when you DO get to see him, you have certain expectations, that he does not have more than one or two drinks.  If he can't do that for you, he's just not that into you, or he's starting to have a drinking problem. Keep it simple and be logical. The fact that he works and is going to school and you don't see him often SHOULD mean that when he does, YOU are the priority. Don't you think? Otherwise, are you willing to be his caretaker while he is being pressured by friends, and de stresses with alcohol? Maybe when you and he are able to spend some time together, since he's so busy, you could do so without his friends there pressuring him into drinking (that's what i got from you saying his friends are pressuring him).  You might as well learn now, that it's your job to teach others how to treat you, and making excuses for their behavior is counterproductive to that purpose.  A man needs to respect the women he's with always, or he'll tire of the relationship and look for someone who respects themselves enough to only expect his best when they're with him.

[SarahMWe133]

Yeah that makes sense, thankyou

[TTinKKerBBell]

Getting drunk and passing out is a Major Red Flag.  Having  "plans with You" but getting drunk and passing out emphasizes the Red Flag.  He made the 'choice' to get drunk instead.  Recognize that He made a choice !!   He has "some issues" - but so do You, so do I, and so does everyone.  We ALL have issues.  It's not about "issues", it's about behavior.  He makes plans with You  but doesn't 'follow through' - those are choices He is making.  You have been with Him for 2 years - (2 years can quickly become 4, then 6, etc., etc.) You say "I learn to accept Him and luv Him for who He is" - if that were truly so, sweetheart - You would not be here expressing concern for Him not following through on Your plans.  This is making You unhappy and You are absolutely right to want more from a relationship.  You need to realize what You see is what You get.  If He was inclined to follow through with His plans with You He would make the choice to do so.  I'm not suggesting that He doesn't care for You in some way but I am saying You are not His priority.  Love is a choice - You are 'choosing' to love Him in spite of  His short comings and Your own unhappiness - You are making Him Your priority but He is not making that same choice as regards You.  I would imagine He knows You have been unhappy with this situation ??  yet it continues ??

[SarahMWe133]

Yeah we have talked about it and he says sorry and stuff, but I can't say to him I'm sad that your never seeing me or I'm not your priority cause otherwise he will take offense , our lives are difficult, its hard for us to see each other. He's always working and in always at school. And things will pop up that hr can't control, and we talked about the party. He admitted he was tired from work and drunk to quickly.  He has done it before but he loses control and doesn't mean to. Plus his 'friends' are pressuring

[TTinKKerBBell]

Sarah, in response to Your first statement I must say that in a good, healthy relationship You would be able to express Your feelings without Him taking offense.   The second important thing You say here is   "He has done it before (!!) but He loses control and doesn't mean to (!!)"  "Plus his 'friends' are pressuring"  Again, these are Red Flags !!  

I say to You:   If He has done it before likely He will do it again.  If He loses control and doesn't mean to that is STRONGLY indicative of addictive behavior OR that has just become an excuse to You and, at least up until now, You are 'accepting' that excuse.  His friends are pressuring could also be His excuse to You but, bottom line, He is letting their 'pressuring' take priority over His relationship  or plans with You.

It simply won't do for You to beg, cry or whine for it to be different if You've already expressed these things to Him - so You will have to accept this relationship as it is OR You can decide You are worthy and deserving to be treated more respectfully and move on. Since there are 300 million Men in the United States There is no such thing as a "one and only".  Love is a choice and You can CHOOSE to love someone who is more sensitive to You.  You are very young to 'settle' in an unhappy relationship.  Good Luck To You

[TTinKKerBBell]

P.S. I said 300 million men in the US - actually the total population is 300 million - but that still leaves 150 million men - so that still means no such thing as a "one and only" for any of us - go out and be happy

[specialmom]

So, how old are you guys?  Clearly he isn't valuing you more than partying.  Which is insulting.  You want to be with a guy who puts you first.  Maybe not 100 percent of the time.  I think everybody needs time to cut loose and hang with friends personally.  I've been married a long time and still afford my husband those nights out with his guy friends.  But this sounds like a frequent pattern.  And his drinking may be problematic.  

[SarahMWe133]

Were both 18. Yeah I know what ur saying, it's not frequent. He has only done it once before, but how can u tell if he's not putting u first or just busy :/

[specialmom]

That's true.  And at 18, you both need to be busy doing your things to get ahead in life.  School, working, etc.  But if he is putting partying ahead of you, that's not just busy.  :>)  You know?  What are you doing now?  Have you graduated high school?  Are you going to college, going to trade school or working?  I think I'd get yourself in a really good place and let him be for a while.  When he next tries to make plans with you, tell him that you feel like you can't count on him so are not sure you want to save another night for him to either A. blow you off or B. spend it drunk.  See what he says.  Talk to him and be honest.  You have to talk and share your feelings and if he isn't willing to take your feelings into consideration, you have the answer to whether he is just busy or not putting you first.  

[AnnieBrooke]

Getting drunk to the point of unconsciousness is pretty much a relationship ender, as far as I'm concerned.

[SarahMWe133]

Why do u say that?

[AnnieBrooke]

It's a demonstration of the future, sweetheart. Think of your disappointment that he was passed out when you had planned to get his attention and have fun together. Why do you want to be with someone who probably will do that again? Drinking to the point of passing out is NOT the norm even for people who do drink.

[SarahMWe133]

Yeah I know, the thing is I have been with him for 2 years and he has some issues due to his past. But I learn to accept him and luv him for who he is :/

[AnnieBrooke]

So, you get something for yourself by being loving and forgiving? That's nice. Look up "enabling," though. You will always come second to himself and his issues and you are letting it happen. Good luck with that.

[specialmom]

I'm sorry he has been through some things.  You've been together for a long time.  How is your communication?  Are you able to express your feelings or concerns?  Use only "I" statements and not 'you always . . . etc.".  That helps keep them from being defensive.  Pick a time when he is sober and you are getting along.  No one wants to be taken for granted.  Or discounted so you have to express how you feel to move forward.  And if he deals with problems by drinking, that's scary.  You can also, and have a right to do so as a long term girlfriend, need to talk to him about finding appropriate ways to deal with emotions and problems rather than self destructive things like binge drinking.  See how he handles this discussion because it will be a good gage as to how open he is to future changes.  good luck