Boyfriend doesn't make enough Money and it bothers me

[ticked]

Here is the thing. I have been a single mother now for 8yrs.  I have had no silver platter handed to me, no child support payments given and I have had to struggle all this time.  Last year I met someone and he is very good to my daughter and to me, but I feel like I have been carrying the load because he barely makes any money and he really doesnt contribute and I bought a condo before I met him and since he has been living there he has put me in the hole.

My condo is very small really meant for a couple but I like to entertain so I wanted to upgrade but not until 4yrs from now.  He is always in my face because there is no other room other than the bedroom and I need my space.  So now I have decided to sell my condo for a townhouse. It will be cheaper funny enough and bigger.  I feel resentful to him as I feel like he has forced me to move. He doesnt pay rent, and hasnt all year. The most he has given me is grocery money and with the way groceries are right now $150 a month is jack sh@@.  I have become so angry and whenever I talk to him about stuff he is so laid back and he says that he loves me and he is trying.

Dont get me wrong, I am writing this because I am very angered and I know that he is a fantastic guy and I have never had anyone love me like he has but he isnt contributing financially and it bothers me.

I told him when we move he needs to pay for all the groceries and utilities and I know that it wont happen.

When do you come to a point in a relationship where you are okay with someone making a lot less?  I dont think of him as a loser because he doesnt make a lot, I think because I have had to work so hard to get where I am at and I am finally at a place in my life where I would like to share that with someone and have enough money to go on trips etc, but with him I cant. I will lose what I feel I have worked hard for.  

Does this make any sense?  

[skepticalpeach]

I went through something similar with my husband, except we let one of our friends live with us pretty much rent free. All she paid for was her food. In return we asked her to keep our place clean and babysit our daughter. I'm sure you can guess what happened in the end. She got an enormous sense of entitlement, kept asking to borrow money, threw temper tantrums when we asked her to help out around the house. She said horrible things about us behind our backs and sulked constantly. When she decided to get back together with her abusive ex boyfriend we said "get out!" and tossed her a bill for unpaid rent. Our daughter (who has a speech delay) was so upset when she left because she didn't say goodbye. She started' having a lot of accidents and wouldn't sleep alone. We just had to deal with it because we couldn't let this woman keep freeloading off from us. She was a dear friend, but good friends don't take advantage of each other. You just gotta put your foot down and say enough is enough! Children are sensitive, but they are resilient. Good luck, you sound like a resourceful person who will figure this out.

[ticked]

Thanks so much.  I am giving him one more chance to get a better job, fix his debt issues and start contributing financially or he is out.  I am at a point in my life where I have had freeloaders hang off me all the time. I dont know if its because I am too nice but I really am sick and tired of people that do that and have no conscience about it. I could never live with someone and expect to not pay rent, who the hell does that???  I dont feel that he has ever learned to be independent and unfortunately that has become my problem.

I appreciate all of your advice and I guess I will see what happens in the next month or so. If nothing then bye bye.

[Creampuffy]

Hello Ticked

Just one little piece of advice. If you are going to kick this man out do it before you buy another home. You have been living together for over 3 months and that gives him certain legal rights to your new property......everything you have gained while together. Talk to a lawyer.

This happened to a friend of mine and her ex- husband. She let him live in her basement apartment because he had no where to go and during the 6 months he stayed there  he pretended to want her back in his life, taking her out on dates etc.Then one day he announced  that  he changed his mind, took her to court and forced her to sell everything she had to settle what the court said she owed.

Just be careful.

[RainLover71]

If he really loved you he would be contributing.He,s a Freeloader and nothing more.Tell him to kindly move on if he is not willing to change his attitude and start helping out financially.I,d be ticked off to.All the best.

[specialmom]

Hm.  I'll be honest---------  I think when choosing a partner, we MUST take these things into account.  Successful relationships are a lot more than having the hots for someone or just having a warm body there.  It is even more than enjoying someone's company.  It is about picking someone that jives with our picture of life. We have the emotional side of a relationship and then we have the business side.  People need to spend more time thining about the business side of it in my opinion.  This is where things like a person's financial habits, career goals and work ethic, etc. come into play.  

I hate to say it but this is probably how it will always be. He does not see anythign wrong with you spending more than he and then complaining about not having enough (as in more room).  He's not looking for a second job to contribute or a better paying job but content to let you foot the bill.  Some women are okay with this.  I'd not be.   I like an ambitious man who WANTS to contribute equally or better.

I don't think it is a good idea to continue living with him and probably would have told you that off the bat to not do it.  You can give him another chance and maybe he'll 'change' but prepare yourself.  He's not a kid and this is who he is.  

good luck

[ticked]

Thanks so much all for responding. As much as I knew already what you were saying I just didnt want to do it. I gave him an ultimatum and he has this month to come up with $600 and every month after that or he is out.  He made a comment as well saying would we still be dating if I went home and I said "No, I dont date men that live with their parents"  

I feel bad for the guy as he has never been taught independence and I know its not my job to do. I was taught at a young age and I think that I am scarred from that as I had to buy everything for myself by the age of 14. Winter jackets, feminine products etc. I didnt feel loved by my parents at all, but I am a very successful business women, and mother that I know I benefited from it.

When I do move, I have already discussed with him that he will need to sign a promissary note done up by my lawyer stating that he has no rights to any of my property.  I know my lawyer knows what the stipulations are so I trust him.  My boyfriend said he would sign whatever I wanted him to and that he didnt want it and that it wasnt his to take.

I have been through such hard times in my life and gone through so many bad men and he is the first that treats me amazingly. The way a women should be treated besides the money aspect.  

I had a conversation with him last night and I told him that it wasnt the fact that he didnt make a lot of money but it was the fact that I couldnt understand how he could live with someone and not pay to live there without feeling so much guilt.  

His parents have made it too easy for him to come back home when times are tough and they are making a huge mistake.  

Thanks again for all your help.  I will let you know how the next couple of months go.