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Break up help needed

Hi im new here but jusf looking for advice. Im 34 and my ex was 31. We were together 16 months. We met off a dating site and fell hard for one another. We had a great connection. I should add that i have my own flat and he lives with his parents. ( hes 31 and never left home. He has the money and both his parents work)... anyway everything was great the first 8 months. But things changed he started not making as much effort and wanted me to go to his more. Which i did... i didnt have a problem with this but because he lived with his parents i thought he would prefer coming to mine... anyway everyrime i went to his we had to sit and have dinner with his parents then sit with them or go up to his bedroom like teenagers.... more arguments started over petty things. Everytime we argued he would not talk to me for days giving me silent treatments. Or saying it was over. The last arguement caused him to end us for good. I was heart broken. He said he still loved me and was still in love with me but he cant deal with arguments.
I have to add that i think hes a complete mummys boy and he panders to her a lot. His mum is very controlling . I got on ok with her but she seems to get jealous of his gfs. I have spoken to an ex of his and she said his mum was a nightmare too.
I just wonder if the break up has a lot to do with his mum as he tells her everything.
I dont understand why hes ended things after we had such a strong connection and he told me the week before he ended it that i was his soul mate .
I havent seen him for 5 months now and had no contact with him for 2 months . He wanted to stay friends but i said no. Any advice on how i get over him.
I know deep down i should prob look for someone whos more independent like myself but i really loved him. I just wonder if he ever loved me . I wonder if his mum is a big part of this. It seems therea a strange dynamic with mother and son here.
3 Responses
3060903 tn?1398565123
To one person - an older adult child living at home is a "strange dynamic" to another, it is considered a tradition (to prefer to live with one's parents and look after them when they get older). Is his living at home and possibly wanting to continue even with a wife, something that would be considered "normal" for him?

The constant fighting would concern me greatly. It speaks of either not being mature enough to enter into a relationship, or not feeling like you are in a compatible with your partner. If there is this much fighting prior to living with one another, then i would imagine that the fighting would get worse as life became more complicated, possibly with children to raise. From the sounds of it, this man would feel most comfortable living with his parents and spending his evenings eating with them, possibly entertaining himself with them while it sounds like you would rather have had you both living on your own and socializing with folks your own age.

So , I think the relationship possibly went the way it was supposed to go, so you could find what it is that would make you most comfortable. Time is what's needed after a breakup with a loved one when there is irreconcilable differences. If you have friends, make sure you get out and socialize. Try to start new projects, hobbies, do things that you've never done before and see keep your life interesting and moving forward. Know in your heart that sometimes things end because there is no chance of happiness. Love is not enough, there must be compatibility. So look for someone that IS TRULY compatible and love will follow.

I'm sorry you're feeling a bit lost right now. I had to divorce my first husband for numerous reasons, but i did love that man and it was hard to know that i wouldn't be around him any more to see the magnificence that I fell in love with. Had i stayed, i would have been really unhappy. Now i'm with a man in retirement that I can truly say is my best match. It wouldn't have happened if i had not been brave enough to move on from a loved one. I wish you peace on your journey forward. Please know i'd be happy to spend time talking to you on private email should you feel the need to talk it out anonymously, allowing you to spend  your time with your friends and family in the here and now, mindfully moving forward.
5 Comments
How do we chat on private email.... thanks for your reply. Its been 6 months since ive seen him and 2 months of no contact. I still think of him everyday. I still love him so its so hard.. we were a great fit in other ways. We did have a great connection. It was the best love making ive ever had. He was so affectionate and caring. He took me to lovely places that i love too. We both loved quiet places to relax etc... i just feel so lost. ... yeah i might meet someone else whos more independent like myself but what if we dont have that amazing connection.
Can you tell us what the last argument was about that caused him to break it off altogether? and a couple of other examples? It would help the readers a lot to know what you fought about?

You've said his mother was jealous his gf's ; controlling and that he pandered to her. What gave you the impression that she was jealous of you? How was she controlling and how often and how did he pander to his mother?
Examples of his mother being strange was for example once he took me out for a meal and his mother commented that he had spent to much on my bday without taking me for a meal too. His mother use to phone him when he was at my house and ask him to come all the way home to do something silly for her... when she has her own car and can drive. If me and my bf went out for dinner his mum would take the huff. She txt me after we broke up saying her son will never get back with me... my mum would never interfere like that.
When ever my ex went to move in with someone or get a house with me or an ex his mum would butt in.
Hes 31 years old and still lives at home. To me thats not normal. He doesnt need to look after his parents they both work...
To me it seems like he doesnt want to grow up or take responsibility.
His mum doesnt want him to move out.
Everytime he bought me a gift he had to buy his mother one.
He seemed to fear her being mad at him. She phoned and messaged him numerous times a day even tho they live together.
He always had to check in with her.
Our arguments were petty. It was nothing big... i honestly think the arguments are an excuse. I think he just wants to live with his mummy and daddy and not have the responsibility of a relationship.
Strange thing is the week before he broke it off he told me i was his soul mate and that he wanted to spend his life with me.... then a week later we have a silly argument and its over. . Funny thing was his mum was there when the last argument happened so i have a feeling she has influenced his decision.
The reason i struggled with the break up is because we had a strong connection. If i give you examples of the pos and negatives of the relationship.

Positives.... best connection ive ever had and he felt the same. Amazing love making and closeness.
Enjoyed one anothers company.
Had fun together
Enjoyed the same things
Both werent fussed about having kids
Both very affectionate
He was loving and romantic

Negatives
Think he could be a mummys boy
Puts his mum and dad before his gf.
Seems to run away from problems or conflict.
He could never discuss an argument he would give me the silent treatment and not talk.
He could be immature at times.
Few examples of arguments..

One was a time we were having a lunch and he explained that his friend had finished with his gf and he was single again... all i said was i hope that doesnt mean i will never see u now if your mate is newly single and he went in a huff with me.
He said it was like i didnt trust him.
He said i should know that he wouldnt do anything like that and hardly spoke the rest of the day.

Another silly one was when we talked about moving in together. He had said ages before that we would put our money together as he earned more than me....
A few months later i spoke to him about the money sutuation and just said to him so are you going to be paying a bit more as you earn more and he wasnt happy.
Again he said i didnt trust him and he had already said we would put our money together....
A few days later he said if we move in together i could work 2 jobs if i wanted more money..... his attitude completely changed.

Theres other examples too but they were all petty stuff.
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
I, unfortunately, don't think you are a match.  You are not compatible with this man.  He's tried to bring you into the fold of his life with the dinners with his parents, etc. and this is seen as an annoyance to you.  You don't like him living there or being so active in his parent's life or they in his.  That's fine for you to feel that way and I don't blame you.  However, he's not wrong either. This is who he is.  You want something different in life.  Rather than try to make him fit that, find someone who really does. I think, in the long run, you will be much happier.  Good luck hon
Avatar universal
Thanks.. thats not what im saying tho. I loved the fact he was close to his family. I have no issues with that. I didnt mind sitting down to family dinners . I made a big efforr with his family. I even made an effort by doing his hobbie with him. I went fishing a few times and enjoyed it.
The point im making is its like his mum wants all his time and she gets jealous of his gfs so she guves him grieve. Thats not normal. She should want her son to have his own life. He can still be close to his family without his mum being controlling.
Altho we might not be a match its very difficult when ive made so much effort and i truly loved this guy.
2 Comments
I do understand what you are saying.  But even if you were somewhat supportive of family time and even enjoyed it a lot of the time, you still resent his mom.  That's always tricky and especially so with a man that really hasn't shown that he feels you would be in the right to question her.  He's as attached to her as she is to him and you have to understand that.  I do also fully understand how hard it is when you think something may work, you love someone, etc.  and to walk away.  I've done it.  You can love someone while recognizing that a long term situation with them would be hard to make work.  I walked away for that very reason after 4 years of dating someone.  I realized that I would not ultimately have the relationship and life I wanted with the person I'd invested so much time with.  It was really hard.  I cried and cried and cried.  I did love him.  But I had to be realistic.  I then dated a few different people for a couple of years and finally met my husband.  We've been married almost 20 years now.  

But this is your life.  From the outside looking in, I give advice.  I'm not inside of you so can only base my opinion on what I read.  I would not spend more time investing in a relationship that has the writing on the wall that things are not going to go the long haul.  And the issues of nit picking and fighting . . .   this only adds to my concerns.  But as I said, it's really only my opinion and you are the one who knows best.  I just think you are asking the question because you already know what you need to do.  hugs
Aww thanks so much... no i understand what your saying... i got on really well with his mum. But i just feel its fake. That she kind of whats her son to herself. His exs have all said the same thing that they felt his mum was the same.

Its sad as i really thought he could have been the one.... ive recently joined a dating site again. Dont know if  im ready.
Just sad when we both still loved one another.
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