Aa
Broken
Me and my husband met when i was 16. We dated on and off for about 3 years and then we got married. we have been married for three years. i am Pregnant with our second child. its been a difficult pregnancy. About a month ago he cheated on me with this Girl who is a year younger than me. he spent all our savings on taking her out and to a hotel where they slept together and the following week when i wasn't home he brought her into our home. we live in a small suburb where everyone knows everyone. what I've heard she is like i was when i was younger and had less responsibility. My problem is that after about three weeks this girl broke it off with him but he is still chasing her. i have always had a low self esteem and this has made it worse. i have told him that we cant ,make this work unless i know that he only wants me else i can never trust him again. he doesn't show any remorse instead he tries to justify his actions. I love him and I really don't want to leave him for the one mistake he has made but is there any hope. I don't know what to do should i give him the separation he wants and hope that once he looses me that he will realize what he lost or do i make him stay and hope he snaps out of this state of mind.
I feel I MUST add:
There is a limit fo how much pain ANY Man is worth - If He hurts You, He's not GOOD for You.
You need to let Your "intelligence" control Your emotions - not the other way around!!
Again, I wish You Good Luck
There is a limit fo how much pain ANY Man is worth - If He hurts You, He's not GOOD for You.
You need to let Your "intelligence" control Your emotions - not the other way around!!
Again, I wish You Good Luck
You are choosing to take this gamble that I, for one, would not bet on.
I understand, truely I do!!
but
It's unrealistic to think things are going to change in 2 weeks (if ever). You asked "is this weirdness ever going to go away?" My take is: probably not.
Good Luck
I understand, truely I do!!
but
It's unrealistic to think things are going to change in 2 weeks (if ever). You asked "is this weirdness ever going to go away?" My take is: probably not.
Good Luck
Hi everyone thank you for the wonderful advise and sharing your stories.
The update is that he has broken all contact with her and has said that he wants to work on our marriage. He knows it isnt going to be easy as it wasnt just the cheating but how everything unfolded. The only problem is that not we are acting more like friends around each other then husband and wife. Is this weirdness ever going to go away. Ive told him that more than anything i need comfort rite now, i need to feel wanted but he says its too soon and he says he loves me but he isnt sure about his intentions in the marriage. he says that some days he still wants to just leave because of how hard things are at home. He isnt someone who understands emotions or likes really dealing with them. He also doesnt believe in therapy. how to i get through to him about what i need. My baby is due in two weeks and i atleast want things a little better before i bring home a new born that will feel all the emotions in the house. Ive tried avoiding him and not holding him or actually talking to him bt like i said he doesnt hurt easily, Ive also trid talking to him but he doesnt listen. i just dont know what to do sometimes it feels like i was the guilty one.
The update is that he has broken all contact with her and has said that he wants to work on our marriage. He knows it isnt going to be easy as it wasnt just the cheating but how everything unfolded. The only problem is that not we are acting more like friends around each other then husband and wife. Is this weirdness ever going to go away. Ive told him that more than anything i need comfort rite now, i need to feel wanted but he says its too soon and he says he loves me but he isnt sure about his intentions in the marriage. he says that some days he still wants to just leave because of how hard things are at home. He isnt someone who understands emotions or likes really dealing with them. He also doesnt believe in therapy. how to i get through to him about what i need. My baby is due in two weeks and i atleast want things a little better before i bring home a new born that will feel all the emotions in the house. Ive tried avoiding him and not holding him or actually talking to him bt like i said he doesnt hurt easily, Ive also trid talking to him but he doesnt listen. i just dont know what to do sometimes it feels like i was the guilty one.
I'm so sorry dear that you are going through this. None of this is your fault but please keep it in mind , if you lie down with dog's , you're going to get fleas.
Your husband's suggestion that you separate is so that he can follow the path of a cheater, he will catch a cheater, and he will be left by a cheater. It is his path, and it doesn't include you.
My first husband, in mind mind started to stray when he tried to insist that it was "innocent fun" for him and his mates to go to the strip club. This was his path that he wanted to choose, and his choice did not include me.
I left within a week of finding out, not because of the behavior, but because he was not willing to entertain a change in his behavior for the good of our marriage.
He ended up getting a stripper pregnant, and she ended up taking his child and he was left to die of a broken heart (attack) at 38, alone. That was his path. I ended up with a loving caring man that gives me everything I could want, because that was my path.
You don't have a choice I'm afraid, if he wants a separation, without any talk of marriage counselling, he is already gone. Please do the right thing and salvage your pride, and be the best mother that you can possibly be. That is your path. Know that is possible to replace this man with a much user friendly version. It doesn't need to be this hard, just to have a decent life.
Do not be passive, do not be aggressive, please be assertive, and move forward. You have our support, you are not alone.
I hope you come back and tell us whether you have family support.
Your husband's suggestion that you separate is so that he can follow the path of a cheater, he will catch a cheater, and he will be left by a cheater. It is his path, and it doesn't include you.
My first husband, in mind mind started to stray when he tried to insist that it was "innocent fun" for him and his mates to go to the strip club. This was his path that he wanted to choose, and his choice did not include me.
I left within a week of finding out, not because of the behavior, but because he was not willing to entertain a change in his behavior for the good of our marriage.
He ended up getting a stripper pregnant, and she ended up taking his child and he was left to die of a broken heart (attack) at 38, alone. That was his path. I ended up with a loving caring man that gives me everything I could want, because that was my path.
You don't have a choice I'm afraid, if he wants a separation, without any talk of marriage counselling, he is already gone. Please do the right thing and salvage your pride, and be the best mother that you can possibly be. That is your path. Know that is possible to replace this man with a much user friendly version. It doesn't need to be this hard, just to have a decent life.
Do not be passive, do not be aggressive, please be assertive, and move forward. You have our support, you are not alone.
I hope you come back and tell us whether you have family support.
Break it off. U deserve respect n this guy is treating u like trash. so sorry ur going thru this
My heart is heavy for You. I cannot advise You to leave but I can tell You that Your story is mine. I married at age 15 and I was Married for 15 years to the Father of my 3 Children. He cheated the 1st time (who knows if it truely was the 1st time) a year and a half into our Marriage. He cheated when I was pregnant and when I was not. He cheated while I was in Hosp. delivering 2 of our Babies. He cheated with several of my "friends(?)" and Both of my Brothers' Wives. There were at least 2 occasions He brought His other women into Our home, into Our bed. He cheated numerous times with women I did not know. I tell You of the incidents I knew about, I'm certain there were others. The law of averages would say He must have not been "found out" about some of His conquests. What I observe in my situation, I feel I see in Yours also. For my Husband (and Yours) to bring another woman into Our Home(s) is beyond words!!. To risk me and Our Children walking in on such a scenario is cruel beyond words. One of those occasions was my one of my Brothers Wife. What do You suppose it might have done for me and my Children to walk into the house at that time? She was my "sister", my Children's Auntie, my Brothers Wife!! What I am trying to say to You is for Your Husband and mine to be so blatant in what they do/did shows a lack of love for any other - His Wife, His Children, a total display of disdain for me (You), our Children - You said He is still chasing Her. If He will do this in Your face, knowing He is giving You great pain, my guess is He will do it again.
I did the same thing as You, I made it about me, I felt small, unimportant, unloved and unlovable. Don't do that to YourSelf. This is not about You, it's about Him.
Speaking for myself - I stopped "being" a victim when I stopped "seeing" myself as a victim. After 15 years of this I left Him. My move, my decision but it was ONE of the tallest mountains I've climbed (there have been other mountains but more on that another time!!) Today I am in another marriage (28) years and I can honestly tell You that my "new" Husband and I celebrate one another each and every day. When I was dying from the pain with my 1st Husband, I could not have imagined that there could be as much love and happiness as I have today. You do not deserve this.
Good Luck whatever You decide and I hope You'll keep us posted. You could private message me if You'd like to discuss this further.
I did the same thing as You, I made it about me, I felt small, unimportant, unloved and unlovable. Don't do that to YourSelf. This is not about You, it's about Him.
Speaking for myself - I stopped "being" a victim when I stopped "seeing" myself as a victim. After 15 years of this I left Him. My move, my decision but it was ONE of the tallest mountains I've climbed (there have been other mountains but more on that another time!!) Today I am in another marriage (28) years and I can honestly tell You that my "new" Husband and I celebrate one another each and every day. When I was dying from the pain with my 1st Husband, I could not have imagined that there could be as much love and happiness as I have today. You do not deserve this.
Good Luck whatever You decide and I hope You'll keep us posted. You could private message me if You'd like to discuss this further.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there. Well, I'm just really sorry that this has happened and your husband has let you down like this. I feel for you. One little one and another on the way, that's hard.
The problem is, your husband isn't making any effort and is telling you he wants a seperation. He's being pretty clear both with his actions and his words. He is not sorry and in fact would still be with her if she'd let him.
I guess you could ask him to go to counseling? He may or may not say yes. But it is my experience that a couple can recover from cheating when the guilty party works really hard to 'fix' things and recommits to the relationship. Otherwise, while you desperately want to hold onto the marriage right now . . . eventually this is going to fester within you and you will become really resentful.
I'd start thinking about what your other options are. I'm so sorry because I know you don't want to do that. But if he says he wants a seperation---- there is a good chance he is gonna walk anyway. Do you have family you could stay with? Do you work and have your own income? What kind of support system do you have?
I'm not gonna lecture you right now about being a woman that wants to stay with a man that doesn't care about your feelings or betrays you as you are in a vulnerable spot and this is new. I would possibly want to do anything to keep my family together too in that situation. For a while. But if he isn't willing to work on things or be accountable, I just only see you becoming more and more angry.
I do wish you peace and luck dear.
The problem is, your husband isn't making any effort and is telling you he wants a seperation. He's being pretty clear both with his actions and his words. He is not sorry and in fact would still be with her if she'd let him.
I guess you could ask him to go to counseling? He may or may not say yes. But it is my experience that a couple can recover from cheating when the guilty party works really hard to 'fix' things and recommits to the relationship. Otherwise, while you desperately want to hold onto the marriage right now . . . eventually this is going to fester within you and you will become really resentful.
I'd start thinking about what your other options are. I'm so sorry because I know you don't want to do that. But if he says he wants a seperation---- there is a good chance he is gonna walk anyway. Do you have family you could stay with? Do you work and have your own income? What kind of support system do you have?
I'm not gonna lecture you right now about being a woman that wants to stay with a man that doesn't care about your feelings or betrays you as you are in a vulnerable spot and this is new. I would possibly want to do anything to keep my family together too in that situation. For a while. But if he isn't willing to work on things or be accountable, I just only see you becoming more and more angry.
I do wish you peace and luck dear.
Im so sorry to hear your going through such a rough time in your marriage. Especialy while being pregnant and having all those crazy hormones and emotions going on. Has he ever done it before? If the answer is yes then in my opinion is he will probaly do it again. He does not seem like he his taking any kind of responsibility.The best thing you can do is try to talk to him about it. Find out why he did it. If he continues to chase this other woman it sounds like he has made up his own mind already. Honestly you can't make someone stay if they don't want to and even if you did it would only cause you more hurt when they continue cheating. This is a decision only you can make. I wish I had all the right words to make you feel better. Congratulations on your precious baby. Good luck :)
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