trust

[veryunsure0418]

My husband cheated last year and I was devestated! I would have never said it outloud but thats something I never worried about with him. Anyway I had always thought if he had that I would leave him, but when it actually happened I decided to stay with him and try my hardest to get through it. It has taken a while but I can finally get through a day without getting upset about it. We went to a couselor for a couple of weeks and she told me to give him my limits on what I was not going to tolerate anymore. Cheating, Lying, and no more smoking weed or any other drugs. Those were my limits. Well the cheating I think has stopped. Weed...... not sure. But the lying has not. Its not big lies but for example today........... he had gotten laid off of work a couple of weeks ago and is going to take a test for a job tomorrow. He was suppose to be at home studying for the test, was he home??? NOPE! Out fishing, which aggrivates me because he HAS to get a job and that should be his priority. My question about trust come in here because when I ask him what he has been doing, he said he was studying and didnt answer his phone because he didnt know where it was. But then when he figured out that I knew he wasnt home he came clean about his whereabouts. Is the fact that he went fishing that big of a deal, no BUT he lied. He lies like this all the time. How am I suppose to believe him about anything? Am I fighting a losing battle?

[Vance2335]

One situation is he has already disappointed you once so maybe he tells little lies as not to disappoint you again? I mean it's not an excuse but maybe that is what he is thinking?

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Oh, I'm just so sorry.  Here you are in good faith trying to get over being seriously wronged by him (as cheating is) and lay out something very clear in terms of certain things you don't want in your life and he won't live up to it.  

Lying can be a habit.  But HE can break it if he desires.  Drugs and weed sound a big part of his lazy attitude and poor choice making.  I'd ask him again to stop smoking weed and yeah, I'd mention it often.  And if he lies, I'd make it clear that he AGAIN broke your trust.  And ask him point blank if he wants this relationship to mend or not and if he does----  lying is over,  weed is over, drugs, over AND obviously cheating, over.  If he can't live up to that, then the relationship will not work.  

BTW, hard question here.  If he doesn't stop weed, lying and being so unambitious -----  are you prepared to leave?  I wouldn't make any empty threats---  think of where your boundary REALLY is and then present it to him.  He either does what you ask or I'd consider moving.  He's not a kid anymore and neither are you.  Don't let him turn it on you that 'you will never trust him so he can't win' because what changes is he honestly making to prove that you can trust him?  

peace and luck and again, very sorry as I'm sure this is very painful!

[TTinKKerBBell]

I wish I could offer You more hope, but I see this the same way You do.  This is not the behavior of a mature, 40 year old man with a Wife and Child.
I think it's good what You said to Him but are You prepared to "act" on it if He does not?

I don't mean to sound flippant here as I truly sympathize with Your situation.  I was married for 15 years and had 3 Children before I came to realize (know) that He was NOT going to change the situation, so I had to.
I was SO afraid to leave Him but I could not live with Him one more day.  When I did the thing I feared the most, I lost my fear.  I'm not suggesting You leave, I'm only telling You this 'cuz I want You to know I understand Your quandary and Your unhappiness with this situation.

His saying You will never trust him - well, He might as well say to You "are You going to believe Me or Your Own lying eyes"??!!  It's like He's putting Your trust issues on YOU instead of taking responsibility for His Own lies.  He needs to realize it's very hard to continue to love a Man, that You cannot Trust and Admire.

I hope You continue to share how it's going for You and I wish You Luck.  Did You bring up counseling again with Him?

[veryunsure0418]

I'm 36 and he is 40, we have been married for 14 yrs and have 1 child together and I have one from a previous marriage. I've told him in a nutshell to get his priorities straight and it's way passed time to grow up. He says that I will never trust him but I can't when he keeps giving me every reason not to.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I too am sorry You are going through this.  I was married for 15 years to a man(?) who never stopped cheating.  I understand Your pain.  It is impossible to trust someone who continues to lie.  It takes a liar to cheat 'cuz a cheater must lie.  It is totally wrong for Him to lie to You EVER.  How are You supposed to believe He's fishing if He lies to You?  I'm not suggesting He's cheating now but I am saying He has to show HimSelf trustworthy in order for You to feel secure that He won't cheat again.  Trustworthy people do not lie!

I would be concerned about a Man who is out fishing and maybe smoking weed instead of studying for His test when He needs a job.  This sounds like irresponsible teenage behavior.  You also said He lies like this all the time.  None of this sounds good.

How old are You? and how long have You been married? and do You have children?  You also said You counseled for a couple of weeks after He cheated.  Is it possible for You to seek counseling for these other issues as well?

I wish You luck

[veryunsure0418]

Thank you for your quick reply! I keep trying but am unsure of when enough should be enough. I guess I will know when I am to the point to where I can not take it anymore and will know.

[cutipup100]

Hey I am really sorry to hear about your situation.I have never been married but I have been cheated on and tried to work it out. Honestly he cheated again, still tried to work it out. I realized there after I was never going get over it. The counselor might help and thats definately a good start but thats up to you. I would give it time. But with someone who has been in this (not married though) so I know that is different I honestly feel as if the trust might be gone. If you see the light at the end of the tunnel keep trying though. Don't give up unless you know for sure you can't ever move past this.