Cheating situation.

[Gigiselle15]

My husband and I had a very rocky couple of years.   I strongly suspected him of cheating.  His business dinners doubled, he was very much into his physical appearance concerning things he had never cared about, sex life dwindled, he was distant and critical, flirting with other women in front of me, etc.   I thought perhaps he was undergoing  some kind of mid-life crisis and hoped for the best.  I became very depressed and gained a ton of weight.   Since the beginning of this year, things had drastically improved.   I even lost the weight.  He admitted he had emotionally distanced himself from me and apologized.  I still felt uneasy at times but felt the relationship was improving.   Then I found out he was spying on me through the iCloud.   He signed us up and I was clueless as to him having access to my gps location, call logs, website history etc...I'm not tech savvy and didn't realize he had been viewing all my info for months maybe longer.   Then the notion hit me that perhaps he was only doing it to see how much I knew about him....he obviously knew I wasn't cheating since he had all my communication data available to him.   So I decided to start doing a little checking of my own.  I found some entries on his Kindle that date back to the beginning of the year.  The entries were to AT&T Gophone pages.   They weren't just general info pages.  The pages had the titles that indicate he had an account.  The visited pages were titled: my personal info, about your device, activate your device.   So they weren't random searches.   I even went into a cell phone store were they cell those phones and was told the only way to access those pages is with an account.   Nobody else visited during those days.   Nobody had access to his Kindle but him.  He tells me (even cried) that he has never had a Go-phone.   He also tells me he had no idea he was able to see all my info on his phone.....I think he thinks me a complete idiot.  I feel heartbroken and I'm contemplating divorce.   I can be with someone who doesn't respect me.  What are your thoughts?

[Gigiselle15]

Thanks for your kindness and insight on this matter.   Thanks to everyone for listening to me vent and taking the time to respond.   There's some really kind people out there. Know your time was not wasted...

[Gigiselle15]

I am trying....I'm terrified!   We've been at a standstill for 2 weeks.    If I give up now : he'll never respect me and think it's ok to cheat.   I can agree to proceed without validation ...but --I'd never respect myself again.    Oddly, the spying never bothered me(it should have)....I was happy to think I could somehow permanently ease his mind....LOL.

[RockRose]

Gigi,  no,  you don't have to pretend you don't know,  simply because he won't acknowledge what is obvious.

Proceed - whatever form that takes - with the knowledge that you know he is cheating,  and spying on you.

[Gigiselle15]

I'm not over it.   I'm in agony over the fact it's BEEN over and I didn't even know

[Gigiselle15]

This presumption would only be valid if I didn't know...but--I know!   So him ignoring the fact I know is not constructive.  That simply means I have to pretend I don't know.

[Gigiselle15]

Thanks Londres.   I know my marriage is broken.   I think you're right.   I don't know how we got here but---I never cheated.   I don't know what led him to cheat.   I'm sure he didn't get what he needed but still it isn't an excuse.   It's all so painful because I love this man so much.   I guess I better get used to the idea it's over....

[Londres70]

Gigiselle,

icloud, snooping on both your parts, gophone.......I don't think this marriage has a chance to survive.

You didn't mention all this in your other post in the Divorce/Breakups forum.  This post is more clear.

In my opinion, your marriage is pretty much broken and I am not even sure if couples' counseling could help you, however, I would encourage counseling for you to help sort out your feelings, emotions..........it would give you some clarity on how to move on from this.

You've pretty much have already checked out of the marriage and you are fed up and I don't blame you.  Divorce seems like the only plasible option in this situation.  

[RockRose]

"he'd rather avoid conflict than save the relationship".  I don't agree with that - he knows if he tells you all about the gophone,  there goes the relationship.

He'd rather avoid conflict,  and save the relationship,  hoping this blows over.

So I think you can assume he was and is cheating,  and go from there.

[Gigiselle15]

I already know! ....it's not a matter of wether or not I want to know.      I can't simply say to myself "it's in the past...it's all good now".    It's already in my face.   I'm already thinking he desires other people and wants to hook up (and has probably done ).   He's not given me a shred of validation.    He's not even willing to do so.   Why should I have to choke myself with all this pain?   I wasn't the one that cheated.

[specialmom]

If 'something' happened and he put it behind him and now appears to want to be with you, the relationship is improving, etc. . .   do you really want to know?  I can tell that you'd never forgive him.  Perhaps he has decided he wants to make it work with you.  Are you willing?

[Gigiselle15]

Actually I went on his phone(hadn't touched it in six months)because my son called with a new cell phone number and forgot to give us his new number.   I was merely checking the log for my son's new number.    But---yep I went into heavy digging mode after finding that.   I love this man dearly.   But--I believe maybe been so busy wanting to believe that I've become a fool.   The problem is he can't admit to the cell phone because that would lead into a deeper question: who have you been calling?   He'd rather avoid conflict than save the relationship...the reason is quite simple.  He doesn't care how much pain he's caused.   In the end he thinks why divorce now and rock the boat when he's able to have his cake and eat it too.

[specialmom]

But you also snooped when you found this stuff.  Right?  

I guess the bottom line is if you still want to work on this or not.  Where are you at with that?

[Gigiselle15]

This is how I know it was spying:  all my calls where listed on his call log history. Calls to and from my friends and family(showing up by name not just number)....it's impossible that he never noticed.   He never calls any of those people.   He also admitted to having hacked into my e-mail and a blog I frequent....he said my passwords were not difficult to guess.   I would be surprised if there was a key logger in place.   I have believed him to a fault in the past.   In NYC last year he went on a business dinner and came back completely intoxicated to the point he called me by a different name!   I was so hurt the next day I didn't want to look at him.   I started telling him about the previous night and he said," I'm so sorry...Please don't tell me.  I can't bear to here it."   I told myself maybe the name he called me was that of someone at the dinner and it was innocent.   I think I lie to myself.   Maybe I'm just angry at myself.   As far as the iCloud---there may have been some spyware involved.   I saw screenshots of every site I visited on my phone on my husband's phone including my call log, visited web pages, gps locations, etc.   funny thing those is I could not see any of his stuff on mine...so--he was benefitting from it.   I guess he thinks I should believe in him blindly.   I think I do need therapy.  I think I've been a gullible imbecile and he has no respect for me....

[specialmom]

Hi there. So sorry to hear of this and for your distress!  Sounds like you are really struggling with this.

So, One thing that I picked up from your story is that currently before realizing he had access to all of your information through the cloud, things had gotten much better.  You were feeling better about things with him and were getting along, you'd lost the weight you'd picked up, you weren't depressed anymore, etc.  All of that is great and I don't want you to lose sight of it.  It's very important to keep in mind and keep 'some' focus on.

Could there be some legitimacy to his not knowing he could spy on you via the cloud?  Why do you think he was?  In all honesty, *I* didn't really realize I could 'spy'.  We have a family cloud and any downloaded songs, games, movies can be obtained on any device hooked to the cloud as well as picture.  But I never really noticed it or thought of it as spying.  Why again do you think he has used the cloud to 'spy' on you including your gps?  

I'm not sure about the gophone.  If he had one what is this total proof of for you?  That he absolutely cheated? but if things were getting better, much better, is that not a positive to keep your focus on rather than assuming things?