Dating the one you cheated with

[Bunny4503]

I dated a man back in 2007 (I will call him Sam) for a few months but things faded and we went our separate ways. Recently in June of 2009 we reconnected. I was in the process of ending a relationship (I will call him Bill) that was only a few weeks involved and I went back out with Sam. I told Sam how I was in this bad short term relationship and I was going to break up with him but I had lent Bill some money and wanted to get it back prior to breaking up. As time went on Sam and I had sex and I broke up with Bill. But things with Sam were hot and cold. He was distant and said things about how I was a cheater even though I was open and honest with him. I never slept with both of them once I was involved with Sam I never was with Bill again. Sam pushed my buttons and was distance with me and I moved on because I could not take the lack of interest since he was unsure if I was still involved with Bill. I started to date my ex (will call him Scott) that I dated for over a year and things were good with Scott. But Scott was being inappropriate with women on face book and I found out and was hurt and Sam had been calling me and I fell back into his advances and we had sex while I was with my ex Scott. Now Scott and I are no longer together and I want to be with Sam but he says I have a lot to prove since I cheated with him twice on other men. Sam has told me several times that he loves me. I love him and that’s why I am so weak for him. I am not a cheater normally I really want this to work but I do not think he will ever trust me. How can I fix this and show that I can be faithful and that my love for him is true.

[Ashelen]

I just want to let you know my experience with dating the "other person"....my cousin-in-law cheated on his wife...long story short, he ended up marrying the "other woman". Because she WAS the other woman, she knew he couldn't be trusted because if he can cheat on his (pregnant!) wife, then he can definitely cheat on her. Their relationship is tense, and she controls his EVERY moment. she got a job in his department so she can watch him at work, since that's where SHE originally met him. just wanted to let you know my experience with this because now they're married with a kid and she's constantly afraid of him stepping out on her because she knows from experience that he CAN step out....

just a fair warning. the "other person" may be a thrill to be with, but it seems like a relationship would always be fraught with distrust and suspicion, because they know that you have the potential to be unfaithful.

good luck, though, I wish you the best of luck :)

[specialmom]

Bunny----  you seem to have your head on straight.  Good for you.  I think you are taking the right steps.  And you can tell Sam that if you do move forward with a relationship that you will only do so if he lets the past stay in the past and does not let it enter into things.  You shouldn't have to prove yourself . . . he was guilty too.  good luck to you!!  

[Bunny4503]

Thank you everyone for the reponses. The longest I have ben without a relationship was eight months. Prior to moving to a new city three years ago I was in long term relationships one for 3 years and the other for 2. But in the last 3 years I have dated a lot. I think the fact that I'm approaching my 30's and not married is making me react differently. Because I want to be married and share my life with one man. I am for the most part accomplished in every other aspect of my life. I have my MBA, a great career, a world traveler, I own my own home, I have no kids and I am attractive.  The men that I meet hav good qualities but there's always a but... and the thing that I have for Sam won't go away and I try to ignore it and leave him alone or do something else but ever since he stepped back in my life i feel like he's the one. Even though I know I deserve to be appreciated more than what he does. His attitude is not worth me jumping through hoops I deserve better. I guess I just know that he wants me too but he has a funny way of showing it. I have decided I am single right now and I will remain that way for the next few months and I won't have sex and i will spend time with me and sort out a few things and in that time maybe Sam and I can develop a solid bond that will improve the trust or lack of.

[Judy246]

I agree with all the above. You don't sound very stable in the relationship department. Maybe you should take some time by yourself and do some soul searching on what it is you are looking for in a man and a relationship.

[mami1323]

I have to agree with specialmom here. Sam only seems to get involved with you when you are with someone else but then uses the fact that you were unfaithful to them with him to gain some sort of control over you. Like you have something to prove to him. Which by the way you have nothing to prove since you've never cheated on Sam. He needs to get over it and I would tell him that until you give him a reason to doubt you he needs to stop making you feel like you owe him anything.

[specialmom]

What Rockrose says is important because only if you can be independent from men can you be a really good catch. . .

anyway, this is a complicated scenario for sure.  But what stands out is that when you are with men, Sam is interested.  When you aren't, he is not.  There may be something to this.

And you did try to make it work in between Bill and Scott . . . and he was "hot and cold" and it didn't work out.  Hence, you started dating someone else (another ex . . .) and Sam was back.  

Honestly, I'd take a breather for a bit.  Then I would date some new people with a fresh history.  

I'm guessing you won't do this, so then to answer your question about how to prove you are faithful to Sam . . . remain faithful.  I will say that he shouldn't throw stones as he knew you were in a relationship and still pursued you----  it takes two to tango.  But I guess if you are sure this is the relationship for you (this time)----  then be committed and time will prove him wrong.  goodluck

[RockRose]

What's the longest period of time you've ever been without being in a relationship with a man?  You seem to bounce from one man to the next and back again although none of them seem like good relationships.  It's like you're lighting one relationship off the butt of the previous one.

Can you be alone?