Death of a friend

[jmelks8]

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year.  In that time, he’s had a major surgery, lost his grandmother, lost his job, and a few days ago, a close friend of his died unexpectedly.  This most recent death has been pretty hard on him…he had known this friend since high school, so almost 20 years.  Even though they had not seen each other recently or hung out much, they did keep in touch.  

The funeral was yesterday, but my boyfriend has been pretty quiet since it happened, which is to be expected.  He wanted to see a movie the night after his friend died, so we did.  At one point, he got pretty hysterical during the movie and sobbed on me for several minutes.  It didn’t bother me or anything – and I wanted to make sure I comforted him as best as I could.  For the rest of the weekend, I only saw him at night, and we barely spoke the rest of the time.  I just sent him a text on Sunday night and told him I was praying for him and his friends.  He wrote me back and said thank you, he was still at a friend’s house, and it had been a very long day.

Yesterday I decided not to talk to him all day, and just let him come to me.  As I was leaving work he sent me a couple of text messages.  He just said that he had arrived home and had a very long day, and he was still trying to digest everything.  He said he was going to stay at home for the rest of the night, and he would call me sometime during the day to talk about our plans for the day.  Normally, today is our regular ‘date’ day.  It kind of worried me, because we never really make plans on Tuesdays…we sort of just hang out and do whatever.  It’s already 2:30pm, and I still have not heard from him.  I’m really starting to worry that he’s thinking about ending things with me, or something else is wrong.  This is really tearing me up inside – all I want to do is help him.  As much as I want to, I’m not going to contact him.  We are supposed to go on a road trip in a couple of days, and he’s said nothing about it, and I’m really afraid to bring it up.  

[brice1967]

Well, I'm sorry that it came to this but it is probably for the best.  I think you spending time on you is real important right now.  If he "needs space" and keeps bringing it up, that isn't fair to you, is it?  

We're either doing this, or we're not.... that is fair.  

He has his issues that he has to come to terms with and honestly, besides giving him room and support, there's nothing you can do.  This is is baby and he needs to nurse it.  A lot of guys are reluctant to address problems like this and that is too bad.

Right or wrong?  I'm nobody to judge but at the very least, you've made a move and life will move on from this moment.

Chin up!

[jmelks8]

Thanks Brice and Londres:  Just wanted to let you know that I ended my relationship with him last night.  I had asked him on Sunday to give me a couple of days to think about what he said - I thought long and hard about some of the issues we'd had over the past year.  

Maybe I am a bit selfish, but I feel I have given so much of myself to him and I've been there more than anyone else in his life this year.  I feel when most couples have been in relationship for a while, they usually grow closer  and it seemed like that wasn't happening lately.  I wasn't so much upset he didn’t talk to me very much last week, but I knew something had just been 'off.'  He told me on Sunday night he had wanted to talk to me for about 3 weeks, but it wasn’t until last week or so I really noticed a change.  The last time we had this conversation in May, I gave him space, and it drove him crazy.  He kept calling, texting, and emailing.  Before I knew it we were back into the swing of our relationship, and it appeared to be better than ever.  In fact, a month ago, he told me he didn't want to move away for a job so that he could be close to me, and his family.  This last go-round, I felt very much the opposite...he wasn't keeping in touch with me nearly as much.  I was more upset he didn't at least send a message saying "I need some time alone" or SOMETHING.  I was also upset that he continued being intimate with me, and acting normal when he wasn’t ‘sure’ about us.  I just feel like after a year, you don't ask someone to slow down a relationship, or completely ignore them just because you're overwhelmed.  

I felt especially confused that he waited until now to tell me he loved me.  When I went to his house last night, I had already prepared myself to end things with him.  He kissed me on the forehead and asked me to have dinner with him.  I immediately told him, "I can't do this anymore." He looked really surprised...We talked for a bit and I told him everything I described above, and he agreed.  He said he knows he hasn't been able to commit to relationship the way I need, and he's fully aware of it.  Again, he said he knows he loves me, but he is so uncertain of everything right now.  He still kept saying he didn't want to lose me, but I know I can't do a glorified friendship.  A part of me felt like he made excuses with some of the things he said.  He asked if we would ever see each other again and I told him I didn't know.  I did get a little upset toward the end, and I just walked out of his house.  He followed but never caught up with me.  I drove away and haven't heard from him since.  

I don't know if he will contact me in the future, but I think for now we both need to focus on ourselves.  If it's meant to be, it'll all work out in the end.
Thank you again for all the advice/assistance you've provided me!!!

[Londres70]

I think you stated in a previous post back in May that he wanted to take things down a "notch" in regards to your relationship with him, so this is the second time he has told you this.  

I would assume give him space; sounds like he wants you there more as a friend now.  This man is extremely overwhelmed with where he is at in life and I would agree with Brice and say he does sound somewhat depressed.

I think he just wants to cool things down because he doesn't feel he is able to give what he needs to give in regards to a "full"  relationship and not because he doesn't love you.  

Your statement....."I'm afraid of putting more effort into this 'cooled off' relationship and still end up getting hurt." ......well, that will be your judgement call to end it or not.  The only way not to get hurt in a relationship is to not be in one.  In other words, there is always a chance you may be hurt in a relationship or by a relationship ending.    

He is just going through so much right now and unfortunately a romantic relationship cannot be the main focus for him.....basically, he is telling you this.  

Well....talk with him tonight and see what he says.  

[brice1967]

I'd guess that there are no guarantees about getting or not getting hurt in any relationship.  (Let me back track a little....) He sounds very confused and I think that is adding to the confusion that you are finding right now.  Is he seeing a therapist?  It might not be a bad idea for him to do so, to get his things in order so he can either move forward with or without you.  I'm no doctor, but this man has all of the tell tale signs of depression and he should be seeing a professional.

Back to not getting hurt.  I don't know what anyone can do to not risk getting hurt in any relationship.  All relationships are based on so many different things and if any one of those things are removed or tampered with, there is probably going to be some level of hurt.

I think your wise to give this man the space he needs and ask him to seek the help of a professional.  I personally do not see a reason to give up the whole relationship at this point, but then again, I am not living the relationship either.  (You've got to do what you've got to do.)

[jmelks8]

Thanks for the comments!! This past week I noticed him being more quiet than ever, but I didn't press or bug him...I sent a text or two each day letting him know I was thinking of him.  He told me last night that I handled his feelings perfectly.

We had a great date on Friday. We finally talked last night, and it was very similar to a conversation we had a few months ago.  He said he's mostly feeling pressure of not having a job, because he's been looking for 6 months. He still has money, but starting to wonder how much longer this will play out. When his friend died a couple of weeks ago, he went to visit his widow, and her family. He said all he could think about was our relationship. Recently he's seen a lot of his old friends from high school, and most have kids now and really nice homes. He feels like a failure because he doesn't know when or if he will ever have those things too. He said over the past year, I've been his rock and his constant but he feels terrible because he doesn't know for sure where things are headed with us due to the ambiguity of his life - and his friends death has really made him think more about these things. He feels terrible when he retreats into his 'cave' because he knows he isn't being a strong man right now.

When we started talking, he told me how much he loved me - and it was the first time in our relationship he's told me that. He also said he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't feel like we should have a full relationship with sex, regular dates, etc.  He wants us to stop being intimate for a while, and not spend as much time together but he still wants to have regular contact with me. He said he's searching for clarity with his entire situation and he needs to deal with one thing at a time. I told him I won't just 'hang out' nor will I continue the relationship as friends - it would hurt to see him moving on. He started crying and said he's not moving on, and doesn't want anyone else.  But, he made the comment several times that he's afraid he will lose me.

It's hard because we've already invested a year into this, and we've spent a lot of time with each other's families.  Of course, we care for each other very much.  He wants to get together and talk again tomorrow, and decide where to go from here. I really do care for him a lot, but I feel like I need to move on.  I'm afraid of putting more effort into this 'cooled off' relationship and still end up getting hurt.  This new relationship would require solid communication, something I'm not sure he can deliver now.  If nothing else, I should cut off contact with him for at least 2 weeks, and give us both time to reflect. Any advise is appreciated...

[brice1967]

You're welcome.  With your last post, you painted a bigger picture.  Stress at work and perhaps previous issues that have caused you to feel insecure end up getting all jumbled up.  It seems as if somehow it is all related... but we know it's not.  All of these things are separate issues and need to be handled separately.  It's doable, but it takes time.

I think its great that you two got to talk and I think it's better that you let him do most of the talking.  It allowed him to get some things off his chest and allowed you a better opportunity to see where he is coming from.

I think you going to see a therapist is a great idea.  This will be an outside person who you can unload all that is bothering you, and not have to worry about how, when, if it will affect your relationship with your boyfriend.