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Emotional Affair HELP
For the past three weeks my husband has been talking to a 19 year old girl.I just found out the other day and he said he did it bc he felt that was the only way for him to get my attention back to make me jelous. I am 26 years old and he is 27. I dont know what to do. He is kicked out of the house for now but I cant trust him at all. He begged for me to forgive him and even stoped talking to her. However the pain is still there. I feel I can never ever love him the same.We talked yesterday and he is genuine about everything he said but I dont have time for games. Please HELP
I have a problem showing emotions and I guess I wasnt showing him how much I loved him and I was bossing him around.For the past 2 years. I didnt know I was being Bossy but as I look back I was a very unatentive wife and wanted everything my way. I wanted him to change and I do nothing diff. He told me many times he was feeling like I bossed him and didnt love him and I ignored his needs. Now I am heart broken.He is a nice guy. I need time to get over this. I told him 2. I just cant believe he would do this to me.
Well....it seems you a hand in this too. Plus, he even mentioned these issues to you and you refused to change and ignored what he was saying.
I definitely think you both would benefit from couples' therapy. It would address issues on both sides. Plus, therapy would give you the tools and tips on how to be more expressive, understanding and loving to your husband.
Do you come from a home where alot of emotion wasn't shown or from a home where you had a bossy mother or father demanding "this and that" but giving very little back? Have you had relationships in the past where you just gave very little of yourself emotionally? Where it was more "boss" than "love?" Our backgrounds play a big part into how we relate and deal with others today.
I am sure you can't believe he did this to you, but look at what you have done to him? He was tired of nothing changing and turn to this girl.....sounds like a "wake up" call for you. I am NOT condoning what he did, but I think he did what he did out of desperation.
I definitely think you both would benefit from couples' therapy. It would address issues on both sides. Plus, therapy would give you the tools and tips on how to be more expressive, understanding and loving to your husband.
Do you come from a home where alot of emotion wasn't shown or from a home where you had a bossy mother or father demanding "this and that" but giving very little back? Have you had relationships in the past where you just gave very little of yourself emotionally? Where it was more "boss" than "love?" Our backgrounds play a big part into how we relate and deal with others today.
I am sure you can't believe he did this to you, but look at what you have done to him? He was tired of nothing changing and turn to this girl.....sounds like a "wake up" call for you. I am NOT condoning what he did, but I think he did what he did out of desperation.
u are so right. I came from a broken home. my parents were married 2x and divorced 2x. Yes this is a wake up call 2 me in more ways then one. I really am gonna find a counceler and try to work it out. Thanks so much. What u said was the same thing his mom said and he even said Tina I thought u were never where going to change and this was my last resort to get ur attention back
You are welcome dear.
I wish you and your husband all the best with this. Sounds like you both really love each other; you just need a bit of help with these communication issues.
Keep us posted on your progress.
I wish you and your husband all the best with this. Sounds like you both really love each other; you just need a bit of help with these communication issues.
Keep us posted on your progress.
To Add: perhaps it will be good that you don't see him in the way that you did before because NOW you will see him in a way that will allow and encourage you to be more attentive and appreciative of him.
I checked his phone.n he been around me on the phone all the time. Trying to get a rise out of me
COMMUNITY LEADER
Uhg. Let me just say this------- one of my major pet peeves is when someone is doing something obviously outside the boundaries of their relationship and they BLAME it on the other person. You didn't cause him to do this hon.
He made a choice to do it.
I feel stongly about that. We all come with faults and our own 'issues'. We enter into a marriage bringing that in. Yes, we all need to work on it but the expectation that we must be free of faults or our spouse will chat up another woman is so unfair.
If you take him back, do not go down the road of taking any blame for his bad choices. You can work on yourself and try to share more of your emotional side with him and communicate better. But that has nothing to do with his wandering eye and speed dial. He needs to own that and work on that as HIS issue in my opinion.
Counseling something you two could do?? It would be so helpful. Peace
He made a choice to do it.
I feel stongly about that. We all come with faults and our own 'issues'. We enter into a marriage bringing that in. Yes, we all need to work on it but the expectation that we must be free of faults or our spouse will chat up another woman is so unfair.
If you take him back, do not go down the road of taking any blame for his bad choices. You can work on yourself and try to share more of your emotional side with him and communicate better. But that has nothing to do with his wandering eye and speed dial. He needs to own that and work on that as HIS issue in my opinion.
Counseling something you two could do?? It would be so helpful. Peace
Yes u are right. I am making him own it and claim it.I already told him next week we start therapy or the marriage is over. I don't have that kind of time to play games. I have a child to take care of.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, you sound smart to me, let me just say that. You are right---- life goes on whether it is with him or not. He's got to own up to this. Therapy will help with that as well as the issues that you two have as a couple overall. I do hope it works out for you but you sound like a strong woman with a good head on your shoulders.
sometimes we take care of ourselves for so long and get really good at it. It causes us to close off a little emotionally to someone because we are good at taking care of ourselves. Then they blow our trust. You can work on being more emotionally open with him (or whomever ends up in your life) and still stay really strong. But no man can say that YOU are the cause of them not being commited in a marriage. That's on them.
You take care dear and let us know how it goes!
sometimes we take care of ourselves for so long and get really good at it. It causes us to close off a little emotionally to someone because we are good at taking care of ourselves. Then they blow our trust. You can work on being more emotionally open with him (or whomever ends up in your life) and still stay really strong. But no man can say that YOU are the cause of them not being commited in a marriage. That's on them.
You take care dear and let us know how it goes!
we are living apart for a month he is staying with one of his friends. We are doing the counsling and we are going to start over the dating process and everything,He really wants this to work and he is taken all the blame for what he did.Now, I am trying to find our therapist and a therapist for me as well.
Getting a therapist for both of you is a good move. The reason I had asked you how you found out about the other girl is because it seemed strange to me that he was using that to "make you jealous", but yet, it seemed like you were saying he was hiding it. I was just wondering if that was just an excuse because he got caught? You're definitely going to have trust issues, and while some people can work through that, others can't. I think you need to prepare yourself in case that's the situation with you.
As for the "dating"...do you mean you and him, or do you mean that you both have agreed not to be exclusive in the relationship anymore? I'm assuming it's the first, but if it's the latter, that will not help things AT ALL. There will just be more jealousy and trust issues.
I wish you the very best in figuring this all out.
As for the "dating"...do you mean you and him, or do you mean that you both have agreed not to be exclusive in the relationship anymore? I'm assuming it's the first, but if it's the latter, that will not help things AT ALL. There will just be more jealousy and trust issues.
I wish you the very best in figuring this all out.
i mean me and him dating. Not other pepole heck no. I knew about the girl bc I have my husbands passwords to everything. It really wasnt hidding bc he knew he would get caught.
My husband cheated on me and had both a physical and emotional affair. In our therapy sessions he would basically tell me why he did it. A lot of it was that I was neglecting him or his needs weren't being met. However, an important thing that he needed to understand was, no matter how much he felt I was doing these things, it didn't give him the right to cheat on me. Communication is very important in relationships. You have to know when to listen and when to express your feelings. My husband didn't communicate to me how unhappy he was and instead of ending our relationship, he decided he was going to have his cake and eat it to. At the end of the day he did what he had to do to rebuild our relationship and we both make it a point to take care of one another. Bringing a third party into a relationship does not fix things, it brings more problems then there need to be. Your husband should have known better. Now you both can work hard at making this right. Good luck.
u are so right. see with me and my dh he has been telling me for 2 years and I just ignored him. I am so like stubborn and I guess this was me and his wake up call
update things are going okay. However, my dh is now worried I will have a affair and I dont know what to do to ease that fear
That's a typical response. They live in fear that you will retaliate or knowing that since they were capable of it, that you can do it to. That is not something you can really help him with. He's the one who has to control those thoughts and deal with those feelings of insecurity. As long as you both continue to communicate you both should move past this.
Update ***I don't think I love my husband anymore. I can't get past the lies. I am trying but I can't. I can't pretend anymore.
Well...TinaR, have you started counseling?
I just think your marriage will not survive this WITHOUT counseling. You both will NOT be able to sort this out on your own.
What else has he lied about? What else have you found out?
I just think your marriage will not survive this WITHOUT counseling. You both will NOT be able to sort this out on your own.
What else has he lied about? What else have you found out?
I agree completely with Londres....you need professional help to sort through your emotions, and find out how to start REALLY repairing this.
I think, the situation with your Mom is placing a whole lot of stress on you too, so try not to make any rash decisions at this point. You've got too much on your plate!
Best to you.
I think, the situation with your Mom is placing a whole lot of stress on you too, so try not to make any rash decisions at this point. You've got too much on your plate!
Best to you.
we didnt start yet but I dont even want to go. I want to leave and let it go I havent found out any new news I just dont know what to do anymore. When I look at him I see a monster
Well, you need to go especially with everything going on in your life.
Go by yourself....you need to.
Go by yourself....you need to.
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Why would he want to make you jealous and why does he feel he isn't getting any attention? What's the story behind this? Have you all had any major issues in the past or recently?
If he is truly remorseful and sorry about this I would let him come back ON THE CONDITION you both go to couples' therapy to thoroughly explore why he felt he needed to turn to a 19 year old girl for attention and to make you jealous so that he DOESN'T repeat this pattern. Therapy would give him the tools and tips to avoid this situation from happening again.
Give yourself time to get through this. You probably will never see him the same way as you did before this happened, but I don't think it is anything you can't get through dear.