Emotionally abused?

[Kooz]

I have been married for 10 years and have two children. For the most part, my husband and I have got along just fine.
A week ago, my closest friend of 25yrs, could no longer hold her tongue and in her gentle way expressed her deep concern for me, telling me that she has slowly watch her friend lose her confidence and self esteem and that my husband has been emotionally abusing me (always putting me down, belittling me in front of others, etc) for too long and apparantly this is a view shared by all of our friends and 'my' family. I then spoke to my mother about my friends' concern and was in complete agreement and relieved that finally someone has spoken out. Since then I have had my entire family (two sisters, brother in laws, father) and 5 close friends step forward to backup the now 'very exposed' problem I apparantly have. My whole life went from seeming okay to I am now an emotionally abused wife, whose self esteem has reached such a low, I am living in complete denial. My husband is furious with my family and friends. He has acknowledged his bad behaviour and apologised. And he is evidently as upset as I am, that he might have hurt me. I am very confused now. No, I haven't been very happy, but that's just a phase all marriages go through right? Plus, I am also responsible for my life. What has thrown me, is the massive consensus out there; people who love me, telling me I am being Emotionally abused and down trodden. Am I really so blind and has it really been that bad?

[katarina777]

Great comment, Mercy. What I have learned is that the one who is passive, like in the story Mercy tells, is also responsible, and part of the problem with her passiveness, and allowing abuse, or whatever to go on. By responsible I don't mean 'fault'. I agree with mercy that we are often totally unaware, and not meaning to be hurtful to another but this just happens and can't be avoided. It is crucial though that you tell him when he hurts you, and it sounds like your husband is willing to listen and just pissed off that all this comes from your friends and relatives and not you.

As everyone seems to agree on, it is you who needs to examine your soul about this, and maybe both you together.

I have a feeling from all you have said that you can work this out and grow.
best wishes to you, and thanks Mercy for your sharing from your own experience.

[Mercy808]

My last relationship sounds similar to what you are going through. We had been married for only four years and during those four years, I had been "mentally" abused by my husband. We are not together any longer and I have discovered recently that it had been a rough time for both of us, not just me. Before I had gotten married, I was very self-confident and outgoing. After marriage, though, I slowly found myself an entirely different person. Everyone close to me noticed the change also and reacted pretty much the same way your family and friends did to you.

One very important thing to remember when you have your friends and family involved (and in this I agree with extrmeski) is that "what works for one may not work for others." Keep in mind that only YOU know what kind of relationship you have with your husband behind closed doors. NOONE else knows the entire truth about what you are going through...even if you try to explain it to them in great detail...noone will know exactly how you feel or what is really going on (especially since noone has talked to your husband about his feelings). In short, try NOT to involve your family and friends too much. It was great of them to help you "realize" the change and loss of self-confidence in you, but that should be where it ends with them being involved.  After that, it is pretty much the responsibility of you and your spouse to work together on planning a change in your relationship and applying them.

Another thing I learned from my past marriage is that although my husband had been doing the mental and emotional abuse, most of the time, he didn't realize it himself. I've come to believe that in most marriages, the couple can't help but get "too" comfortable with each other therefore leading to the "not appreciating" stage in a marriage. For example: In the first year or so of their marriage, Luke always complimented Mary on her cooking, always bringing a blush to her cheeks. As the first two years turned to four to six, Mary began noticing that Luke wasn't complimenting her anymore. He basically grabbed the full plate she served him and started chomping away while she stood on the sidelines "hoping" to get at least a "thank you" after he finished. She waited and after a couple minutes after swallowing down the last bite, he belched.  Well, she thought, that was better than nothing. Mary then comforted herself that Luke did appreciate her cooking, he just didn't tell her these days.
Four to six years turned to ten and by that time Mary had become so worn out and over the fact that Luke would ever compliment her on anything, especially her cooking. She carelessly made dinner, knowing that Luke could care less what she put in it anyway and after serving him his dinner, the thought of even waiting for a compliment from him bordered on ridiculous. She didn't even try.



I hoped this helped. The story was a touch and go, but I hope you get the point.

Keep your chin up. You'll do fine.

[extrmeski]

What works for one may not work for others, if you have been happy that's what matters, you have found what works for you what ever that is.  I feel my mother beats my dad up verbally all the time but they have been married forever, 55 years!  It works for them.  Others are not living your life only you.