Aa
Father Figure/Daughter Relationship
Without going into too much detail i have a man in my life that i look up to and respect as a father. I grew up without a good father figure. My dad wasn't around much when i was younger and he passed away when i was 12. I didn't have much of a dad after that, homeless, foster homes, etc.. I found a group of people recently that i admire and trust will all my heart. I have gone through something traumatic recently and this man and i have gotten alot closer. He holds me, hugs me all the time and jumps in bed and cuddles me. He like to hold me and comfort me. I look at him as a father and i truly love him, is it odd that i feel this way and he cuddles with me like this? Nothing sexual at all has ever happened between us, i just like to be next to him and snuggle up close to him. He initiated all of this btw, obviously i'm not used to human contact... advice please :D
How do I walk away from the only family I've ever known? They've been the only ones in my life to show me love and comfort. They took me in when I most needed it. It's a hard realization for me to come to to be told to walk away from them. For a reason that I can't seem to understand.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
I've been seeking out therapy and have been looking at getting myself better situated. I just can't see leaving them and running away like I always do.
I couldn't agree more with the above posters. You've really gotten some amazing advice. I encourage you to read it, read it again, and then read it some more.
I agree that your thought processes about relationships and about what's acceptable and normal and what isn't are way off. A lot of that has to do with the very unfortunate situations you found yourself in in the past (which I'm sorry about), HOWEVER, you don't have to continue living out that legacy. YOU can take the power back and learn to make newer, healthier choices, and I agree that you need some intensive professional help...to assist you in changing your thinking. Your thinking is damaged, YOU'RE not.
This man you're so desperately craving attention from is a predator, plain and simple. It's VERY cut and dry, like Londres and the others said, if it weren't for the "secret" aspect of the physical contact, then maybe you would have a point. He's taking advantage of you, because you're down and out, and because you've been abused. He's not "helping you" but rather he's "helping himself TO you" if you can understand that.
Priority one is to get OUT of their home and into a safe and healthy living environment, even if it's a women's shelter. Your role models for now need to be women, because you cannot safely and appropriately navigate your way through relationships with men, romantic or not. Your thinking is very skewed and that needs to change (again, the professional will help you with that).
You're so desperately trying to find a way that this is okay. You're probably telling yourself, "HOW do these people on the internet think what they do about this man? They're not IN the situation, they don't know." Sweetie, you've provided enough information that ANYONE reading this would come to the same conclusion we have. I would guarantee that not ONE person would see it any differently than we have, besides you. The person who needs to see it for what it is is YOU.
Even IF he truly truly had no sexual motives (which I don't agree with at all), he's putting you in an awful situation, by being dishonest and causing a situation that may put you smack dab in the middle of a HUGE blow out with him and his wife and members of this "group". That in itself is WRONG.
Trust me, this won't end well. YOU will be the "bad guy" no matter what. I would guess that this man is VERY manipulative and probably has a WHOLE bunch of people fooled. Don't let yourself be fooled too. The very last thing you need to become a target of people who are going to back him up in a heartbeat, who will characterize you in all SORTS of horrid and terrible ways. You will be pegged as a home wrecker, loose (to put it kindly), and your character will be destroyed, and sadly, AGAIN you will find yourself in the "victim" role, which you continue to allow yourself to live out. You need to change that cycle. STOP being a victim, and stop putting yourself in situations where you could easily become a victim again. That's going to take time and a lot of work with a good therapist.
That being said, PLEASE don't think you can "discuss" your way through this with this man, his wife, or anyone in the group. Trying to do so will have disastrous results for you, for the reasons I listed above. I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a place to go, and leave quietly, with a simple "thank you" and then cease all contact with him, his wife and anyone in their "group". The LAST thing you want to do is to explain to ANYONE engaged with this man WHY you're leaving. That would be like throwing yourself on a fire. You know what you need to know, and trust me, you're NOT going to convince a soul who knows him what was going on.
You deserve a lot better than attention from a man who obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Until you find yourself in a better place, you'd be better off keeping ALL men at arm's length, because right now, you're just NOT capable of understanding the dynamics of relationships with men, be it romantic or otherwise.
I wish you the very best, please keep us updated. We all want to see you better yourself and your life, and leave this terribly unhealthy situation in the dust.
I agree that your thought processes about relationships and about what's acceptable and normal and what isn't are way off. A lot of that has to do with the very unfortunate situations you found yourself in in the past (which I'm sorry about), HOWEVER, you don't have to continue living out that legacy. YOU can take the power back and learn to make newer, healthier choices, and I agree that you need some intensive professional help...to assist you in changing your thinking. Your thinking is damaged, YOU'RE not.
This man you're so desperately craving attention from is a predator, plain and simple. It's VERY cut and dry, like Londres and the others said, if it weren't for the "secret" aspect of the physical contact, then maybe you would have a point. He's taking advantage of you, because you're down and out, and because you've been abused. He's not "helping you" but rather he's "helping himself TO you" if you can understand that.
Priority one is to get OUT of their home and into a safe and healthy living environment, even if it's a women's shelter. Your role models for now need to be women, because you cannot safely and appropriately navigate your way through relationships with men, romantic or not. Your thinking is very skewed and that needs to change (again, the professional will help you with that).
You're so desperately trying to find a way that this is okay. You're probably telling yourself, "HOW do these people on the internet think what they do about this man? They're not IN the situation, they don't know." Sweetie, you've provided enough information that ANYONE reading this would come to the same conclusion we have. I would guarantee that not ONE person would see it any differently than we have, besides you. The person who needs to see it for what it is is YOU.
Even IF he truly truly had no sexual motives (which I don't agree with at all), he's putting you in an awful situation, by being dishonest and causing a situation that may put you smack dab in the middle of a HUGE blow out with him and his wife and members of this "group". That in itself is WRONG.
Trust me, this won't end well. YOU will be the "bad guy" no matter what. I would guess that this man is VERY manipulative and probably has a WHOLE bunch of people fooled. Don't let yourself be fooled too. The very last thing you need to become a target of people who are going to back him up in a heartbeat, who will characterize you in all SORTS of horrid and terrible ways. You will be pegged as a home wrecker, loose (to put it kindly), and your character will be destroyed, and sadly, AGAIN you will find yourself in the "victim" role, which you continue to allow yourself to live out. You need to change that cycle. STOP being a victim, and stop putting yourself in situations where you could easily become a victim again. That's going to take time and a lot of work with a good therapist.
That being said, PLEASE don't think you can "discuss" your way through this with this man, his wife, or anyone in the group. Trying to do so will have disastrous results for you, for the reasons I listed above. I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a place to go, and leave quietly, with a simple "thank you" and then cease all contact with him, his wife and anyone in their "group". The LAST thing you want to do is to explain to ANYONE engaged with this man WHY you're leaving. That would be like throwing yourself on a fire. You know what you need to know, and trust me, you're NOT going to convince a soul who knows him what was going on.
You deserve a lot better than attention from a man who obviously doesn't have your best interests at heart. Until you find yourself in a better place, you'd be better off keeping ALL men at arm's length, because right now, you're just NOT capable of understanding the dynamics of relationships with men, be it romantic or otherwise.
I wish you the very best, please keep us updated. We all want to see you better yourself and your life, and leave this terribly unhealthy situation in the dust.
I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard time growing up. I hope that you will get some professional help to work your way through this. And hopefully you'll find someplace else to live really soon. This isn't a healthy environment for you.
I'm also sorry to hear this guy turned out to be a creep. Not everyone is a creep, but a married dude who cuddles and kisses you behind his wife's back is always bad news. Always always.
I'm also sorry to hear this guy turned out to be a creep. Not everyone is a creep, but a married dude who cuddles and kisses you behind his wife's back is always bad news. Always always.
Asher. Your view of life and relationships and people and men is so twisted that you shouldn't trust your judgement at this point in your life.
I'm sorry you've had such awful experiences - but your twisted viewpoint at this point isn't based in reality.
This man who keeps trying to cuddle you in bed and kiss you will eventually force sex on you.
I'm sorry you've had such awful experiences - but your twisted viewpoint at this point isn't based in reality.
This man who keeps trying to cuddle you in bed and kiss you will eventually force sex on you.
You've had some excellent, insightful advice here from many, I won't add to that but I take note in Your last post that You
"are having a hard time accepting the fact that He is wanting something
sexual out of all this"
I take note in Your FIRST post You said: He jumps in Your bed and cuddles You.
I ask You - does His Wife know He does this?? and if She does not - well then it's because She too would think He is being sexual.
If this was innocent He would do all His hugging and holding and cuddling in the presence of His Wife and He would NOT jump in Your bed.
"are having a hard time accepting the fact that He is wanting something
sexual out of all this"
I take note in Your FIRST post You said: He jumps in Your bed and cuddles You.
I ask You - does His Wife know He does this?? and if She does not - well then it's because She too would think He is being sexual.
If this was innocent He would do all His hugging and holding and cuddling in the presence of His Wife and He would NOT jump in Your bed.
"I guess i'm having a hard time accepting the fact that he wants something sexual out of all of this. I know i've had some things happen in my past that would suggest i need the wrong kind of attention and that this seems normal but why would conclusions be drawn so rapidly on the sexual side?"............Why do you think he is asking you to keep all the one-on-one activity between you and him a "secret?" If you have a hard time accepting that he is wanting sex out of this than just tell his wife your secret and you will see everything crystal clear. A man telling a woman who isn't his wife to keep a secret or secrets from his wife isn't honorable at all and isn't anything good for you. You aren't telling the wife because you know you wouldn't be staying there if she found out.
Secondly, You've been through a lot of horrible experiences which is very unfortunate. It seems your judgement is impaired and you are continuing to make poor choices. You aren't really able to problem solve in a rational/healthy manner. Until you get therapy on board you will continue to make poor choice after poor choice. Perhaps that is why you can't see the situation with this married man what it truly is.
I lived long enough (older than you) to when a man wants something sexual and believe me this woman's husband is up to no good.
They helped you, you got back on your feet and now it's time to leave their home.
Secondly, You've been through a lot of horrible experiences which is very unfortunate. It seems your judgement is impaired and you are continuing to make poor choices. You aren't really able to problem solve in a rational/healthy manner. Until you get therapy on board you will continue to make poor choice after poor choice. Perhaps that is why you can't see the situation with this married man what it truly is.
I lived long enough (older than you) to when a man wants something sexual and believe me this woman's husband is up to no good.
They helped you, you got back on your feet and now it's time to leave their home.
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