Fed up

[notsure101812]

I was dating a guy for 3 years and loved him very much.
However, it turned out he had been cheating on me for a long time (2 years).
We split up and he had booked a holiday with her in Dec 09 back in February 09 so when I found out in the summer I justified his decision as he couldnt disappoint her children.
However, they had the holiday and I met up with him last night and am still totally in love with him.
He indulged in some footsie and I told him I still have strong feelings but he says that things have moved on as this woman has met his ex wife, children, parents etc and has probably moved on.
How can I make him love me and give me another chance?
I think about him all the time and want him back.
Would he have met with me if he wasnt interested? Why did he play footsie? Why did he flirt and hug me?
I love him so much I cant live without him and want a proper chance?
Any ideas and please **** just say move on, give me ideas to get him back as he is just perfect.

[specialmom]

I also think you talk of a proper chance . . . can I suggest to you that you two had a chance while he was dating you for 3 years and cheated on you for two of them.  

Sometimes we confuse love with something else . . . I think that is happening here.  

I'd suggest some counseling to sort out your feelings and why you would want a man like this back and why he seems perfect to you.  Once you explore that and get stronger inside to look at this realistically, then you will move on.  Eventually you will meet someone that will love you completely and treat you as you deserve to be treated.  goodluck

[Judy246]

Ok, time for a reality check.... 'HE CHEATED ON YOU", which make him dishonest, untrustworthy, unfaithful, opportunist, selfish, disrespectul, inconsideret and ....shall I go on?  

You are in love with you, but he is not "in" love with you, since he cheated on you and moved on so easily. So, played footie. I bet he will play footsie with them too...he's a guy and if given an opportunity, he will footsie his way to anyone he is attracted too! AND he told you he has moved on!  You can not make anyone fall in love with you. You can only change yourself, but no one else. He hugged you and you felt he flirted, because you once had a history and he cares about you and  knows you, BUT he is no longer in love with you and wants you in reality to move on with your life. He doesn't want to hurt you, because he cares, but that is not love.

It scares me to hear any young girl say, " I can't live without him"...this is like a "worship" and no man deserves your actual life. This means that you are codependent on someone who is not responding back to you with such a "worship".

Also, he is far from perfect. Perfection doesn't exit and he cheated on you and you think he is perfect...he's not, he's very imperfect and lacks values.

It's time to accept what you can't change and never permit anyone to treat you with such dishonesty and disrespect as he did, because you know what...he will do it again.

It's time to start valueing yourself and making a plan for your life. This you can control. Surround yourself with family, good friends, take action on what you enjoy and life has a way of falling into place and when you least expected, the true Mr. Perfect, will be right around the corner just dying to meet you, but this guy is only an obsession and risk not worth taking....it will be taking 2 steps backward, instead as he stated to move forward or move on. Good Luck, Judy

[notsure101812]

I dont think that he is a cheat but more that he got caught up in a difficult situation. He forgot to return my things to me and when I chase him for them he now doesnt reply. Does this mean that he is delaying a formal end when he returns my things as he is not sure what he is doing and it is hurting him as much as it is hurtin me? I think he clearly likes the other woman but his flame still burns for me a bit as we have unfinished busines. It is partly my fault though as I never told him what I felt about him until it was too late.

[mami1323]

You can call it whatever you want but when you are in a relationship with one person and then sleeping with or having a secondary relationship it's considered cheating.  It sounds like you are finding excuses for this guy because you love him and they say love is blind but you are not seeing the true picture.  He isn't hurting because he has the both of you.  Why would he hurt?  He has her and he knows it's only a matter of time before he has you to.  He's not returning your stuff because he doesn't feel like it.  If he wanted to see you, he could regardless if he has your stuff or not.  After 3 years of being with him, I'm very sure he knows how you felt, so stop blaming yourself for his indiscretions.  You need to do some soul searching here and figure out why you would settle for this type of man.  

[specialmom]

I think what he feels is irrelavent.  YOU deserve better than this.  YOU should not want this man.  Be strong here.  Get your things and move on.  There is a world out there full of people that will treat you better.  None of this happened because of what you did or didn't do . . . he has a lack of character.  So don't beat yourself up.  If there is something to be wondering about regarding you . . . well, it is only why you would want a man like this.  That deserves some exploration.  Good luck.  I know it is hard----  I really do.  But you CAN move on and be happy.  You have to want to though.

[notsure101812]

Well we met up again this week (he told her he was watching the football at home) and again nothign happened but he was lying to her again so that is not good for her is it if he were truly committed.
He says that he likes to see me, and he is always running risk of seeing her friends when he is out with me etc so I am confused as to why he does it. I think there is still a good chance we'll figure it out - he says that I am the right person but we met at a difficult time for us both which is definitely true so that means I can forgive him. Without these circumstances I would never speak to him again.
What do you think that he truly wants - he says that he still loves me and if he met me in a bar and werent in a relationship we would be together. Do you think I should just bide my time? What do you think he really wants if you were to give him the benefit of the doubt? I think we both could have done more to make it work but it was mainly circumstances as to why it didnt and he felt that by being older he was in some way inhibiting my life so I think he wanted to set me free to see if I met someone else. THat said, he shouldnt have gone off with someone else.
We are both adults - I am mid 30s he is mid 40s. A confused mess for us both really.