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Fiance, BF, brotherhood... HELP!!!!!!!!!
Hi and thanks for taking the time to read my dilema... Im going crazy and this feeling is killing me.. i just need some mature advice from wise people like u. well me an my fiancee are highschool sweethears im 23 now and he is 24. people always tell us that we make a cute couple and that its seems that we have a healthy relatiosnhip.... An we do we respect eachother, have fun, travel, Shop together. But i feel like i see him loke a very good friend kinda like a brother or a family member. I dont know what happend like i want to love him Passionately i mean we are young not old so i dont understand why... i dont feel like fuzzy feeling when im ganna see him. Like i really want to LOVE him like the way a women loves her MAN!!! this sutuation is puting alot of stress on my part... i think about it all day all night this is killing me like i want to marry him but im scared that im not going to see him like my man that i desire an not like a brother/friend... He is good looking is not like he is ugly or anything like that. im stuck and i feel like we cant move forward because of me... i talk to him and his feeling were hurt and i dont want to hurt him. HE DESERVES to be love and i want to be that WOMEN but i cant.. i dont know what to do where to turn to im lost... it htis normal will this go away???? what can i do??? is US done???
Thank you all for your advices this really open my eyes... i have to do something.
Its really sad when you want to LOVE some1 who deserves it, sad that you want to be happy with that speacial one but your heart wont let u.... I wonder where does love goes when is gone... its sad that a lot of people have to get hurt.. Im going to take a break from US... this will break his heart but i have to find out what i really want... I have a hope it will helps us for the best... BUt scared i wont feel nothing once the break happens. i guess is a chance i have to take.
thanx
Its really sad when you want to LOVE some1 who deserves it, sad that you want to be happy with that speacial one but your heart wont let u.... I wonder where does love goes when is gone... its sad that a lot of people have to get hurt.. Im going to take a break from US... this will break his heart but i have to find out what i really want... I have a hope it will helps us for the best... BUt scared i wont feel nothing once the break happens. i guess is a chance i have to take.
thanx
Have you ever felt very attracted to him? If so did it just burn out? There are many different forms of love and lots of people would love to have what you have. Others would rather have that burning hot sex and cannot live without him feeling, even if it only lasts a short while. Lots of people marry someone they feel is their best friend because the rest sort of calms down after a while anyway.
Personally, my feeling is that if you are child hood sweethearts, maybe you have not been around enuff to know what you want and what you are missing? You got the rest of your life to live and your decisions will determine how happy or how sad that will be. Follow your gut. In your gut you love him, but not the way you want to love him, or he you. Take a break from each other and see what develops. Never compromise yourself. If your heart is not in this, then you are only keeping each other from meeting someone very special. You would be doing him a favor and yourself as well.
Personally, my feeling is that if you are child hood sweethearts, maybe you have not been around enuff to know what you want and what you are missing? You got the rest of your life to live and your decisions will determine how happy or how sad that will be. Follow your gut. In your gut you love him, but not the way you want to love him, or he you. Take a break from each other and see what develops. Never compromise yourself. If your heart is not in this, then you are only keeping each other from meeting someone very special. You would be doing him a favor and yourself as well.
Definitely is difficult dear, but I think this is a "rite of passage" for everyone who has been in a relationship. I have had my share or heartache and giving heartache. As I have gotten older I believe it is very important to stay true to yourself and what you really want in life and not to do or say anything "for the sake of it."
In my opinion, you sound like very good friends who get along great but it is no "love connection" for you.
Take your time and sort it out. You talking to your bf/fiance about this already clearly says alot. Not easy to "break someone's heart or hurt their feelings," however, I think it is even more difficult to live a lie.
In my opinion, you sound like very good friends who get along great but it is no "love connection" for you.
Take your time and sort it out. You talking to your bf/fiance about this already clearly says alot. Not easy to "break someone's heart or hurt their feelings," however, I think it is even more difficult to live a lie.
It sounds to me that You are wishing for that "temporary" madness that many people initially feel when love is "brand new". If You were High School SweetHearts, You probably DID feel that "madness" in the beginning. The key word here is "temporary". In the beginning we sorta feel like we've been hit by a truck!! but then, inevitably, that "feeling" ALWAYS (it HAS to) subsides - cuz, no matter what - no-one can exist in this state forever,day to day, day after day, on that kind of high!! What You need to do here is realize whether Yours and His roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that You should ever part. THAT in the long run is what love REALLY is!! It is NOT enduring breathlessness. It is NOT enduring excitement. It is NOT promises of ETERNAL Passion. Those things are just being "in love", which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being "in love" has burned off - when the two of You have roots that grow and continue to grow . Maybe You are simply beyond that "temporary" madness.
Wow all this answers made me cry but is true i have to look deep with in my self ad find out what i really want...
i just wished life would be easier, and yes maybe i havent been giving the attention and care for this relationship i felt like we were ok so i left it like that, not doing nothing... As for me is not EASY an i dont have the strenght to end this... we grew up together and the memories we have and share is hard to let go FOR NO REASON... i have no reason to feel like this but i do.. he has done no wrong to me... i wanted us to be happy for ever just me and him... i understand i cant wait any longer for a decision...
can this be fixed?
i just wished life would be easier, and yes maybe i havent been giving the attention and care for this relationship i felt like we were ok so i left it like that, not doing nothing... As for me is not EASY an i dont have the strenght to end this... we grew up together and the memories we have and share is hard to let go FOR NO REASON... i have no reason to feel like this but i do.. he has done no wrong to me... i wanted us to be happy for ever just me and him... i understand i cant wait any longer for a decision...
can this be fixed?
When you mentioned other girls that are engaged and look so happy, how long have they been engaged, or better than that, how long have they been together? In order to be fair to yourself, take a good look at them 7 years down the road..... any number of things could happen. They could have already gone through a nasty divorce, separated, married with issues, married but neutral, happily married.... on the most morbid of thoughts, they could be dead or severely ill.....
Every single relationship takes work and needs attention every single day. Not giving it that ends up in a situation where you are now. You just assume things are fine, or you try to convince yourself that things are fine and at another level they are not.
You mentioned that you don't want to hurt this guy. So your choices are, stay and be miserable-leave and potentially hurt him-or take a good look at the real problem and address it. The choice is yours.
Every single relationship takes work and needs attention every single day. Not giving it that ends up in a situation where you are now. You just assume things are fine, or you try to convince yourself that things are fine and at another level they are not.
You mentioned that you don't want to hurt this guy. So your choices are, stay and be miserable-leave and potentially hurt him-or take a good look at the real problem and address it. The choice is yours.
Have you ever felt you "loved" him or have you always had this "like as a brother/good friend?"
Perhaps you should take some time apart and sort this out by yourself. You all have been together since high school and you all really haven't dated other people. I am not sure if you are staying in this relationship because you all have been together for so long or because other people expect you all to be together. I don't know too many "high school sweethearts" that make it to the alter/marry and then alot of these marriages fail due to the fact from age 14-25 a person is going through a tremendous amount of change/finding himself/herself.
Sounds like you never had this "warm fuzzy feeling" with him.
You are correct; he deserves to be loved and that necessarily doesn't mean you have to be the one loving him.
Definitely sort this COMPLETELY out before deciding to marry him.
These things can be very painful to deal with, but you must be honest with yourself and him even if it hurts.
Perhaps you should take some time apart and sort this out by yourself. You all have been together since high school and you all really haven't dated other people. I am not sure if you are staying in this relationship because you all have been together for so long or because other people expect you all to be together. I don't know too many "high school sweethearts" that make it to the alter/marry and then alot of these marriages fail due to the fact from age 14-25 a person is going through a tremendous amount of change/finding himself/herself.
Sounds like you never had this "warm fuzzy feeling" with him.
You are correct; he deserves to be loved and that necessarily doesn't mean you have to be the one loving him.
Definitely sort this COMPLETELY out before deciding to marry him.
These things can be very painful to deal with, but you must be honest with yourself and him even if it hurts.
Thanks for your honest respond...
i never looked at that way, and its nice that after 20yrs your wife means so much to you... :)
back to me, whe u ask why is it that i can't be the women to love him? well is not that i dont want to love him is just that in my HEART i feel nothing.. like i say to my self if i would to feel atleast something a tinny litle thing things would be diferent... i dont know when this happend why i stop feeling strong for him... An i do really really care for him he is the last person i want to hurt trust me. at the same time i cant ignore what im feeling right now. i see him like a brother/friend not a LOver. i know the fuzzy feeling went away long time we been together for 7yrs just as bf and gf we dont live together... but i do remember 5-6 yrs in to the relationship i had a very strong feeling for him.
like i look at other girls that are engaged and are so happy and excied and all... and i want that!!!!!!!!! i want to be happy and excited i dont want to feel like this... i dont want to be second guessing when im walking to the altar.... i just want to feel LOve and happy an i pray to GOD to help me but i cant force my heart i try i really do... and NO there is no other guy in my mind... i hate been like this... i wish i was like the other girls...
also im scared of leaving him, huting him and then ralize i was wrong and it will be too late.
i never looked at that way, and its nice that after 20yrs your wife means so much to you... :)
back to me, whe u ask why is it that i can't be the women to love him? well is not that i dont want to love him is just that in my HEART i feel nothing.. like i say to my self if i would to feel atleast something a tinny litle thing things would be diferent... i dont know when this happend why i stop feeling strong for him... An i do really really care for him he is the last person i want to hurt trust me. at the same time i cant ignore what im feeling right now. i see him like a brother/friend not a LOver. i know the fuzzy feeling went away long time we been together for 7yrs just as bf and gf we dont live together... but i do remember 5-6 yrs in to the relationship i had a very strong feeling for him.
like i look at other girls that are engaged and are so happy and excied and all... and i want that!!!!!!!!! i want to be happy and excited i dont want to feel like this... i dont want to be second guessing when im walking to the altar.... i just want to feel LOve and happy an i pray to GOD to help me but i cant force my heart i try i really do... and NO there is no other guy in my mind... i hate been like this... i wish i was like the other girls...
also im scared of leaving him, huting him and then ralize i was wrong and it will be too late.
You say that you think about this all day and night and that it is making you sick. Later, you said that you "can't be" the woman that loves him? Why can you not be? By saying you can't, that means your mind is made up, and the thinking about it is over.... but if you're thinking about it, that says it isn't over.
Ill say this. Every relationship changes a bit after time. The dynamics or the relationship change when commitments are made. The fact that you are talking about it is both warming and alarming to me.... Warming in the fact that the caring is still there. You are considering his feelings. Alarming, in the fact that you feel now is the time to back out.
Back to changes. It is natural for the fuzzy feeling to wear out. But that feeling eventually turns into trust, adoration, respect, comfort, etc.... As we truly begin to know our partners, the fuzzy wears out. It just does, and it is natural.
The deal for you now is, YOU have to figure out if the relationship is worth being in or not. There are pros and cons to almost everything in life, and it really doesn't get easier as we go along. If you are going to be looking for that fuzzy feeling, like when you first met, you'll probably be changing boyfriends about every year or two.
I've been married 20 years. The over whelming majority has been a dream. I met and married my soul mate, who just pretty much happens to be my polar opposite. There was a real, real, bad time in there, but our love brought us through that to where we are today. The fuzzy feeling didn't wear off, but it grew into something far bigger, far more important, all encompassing. I still light up when my wife walks into a room full of people..... but it means so much more now than it did 22-23 years ago. It is completely a different level.
So again, its time for you to do a bit of soul searching. It's time to take a real good look at you and your life and what you expect. It is hard to do this honestly..... Be brutally honest with yourself. If it is the warm fuzzies that you seek, it is either there, way in there, or has completely gone away.
Good luck
Ill say this. Every relationship changes a bit after time. The dynamics or the relationship change when commitments are made. The fact that you are talking about it is both warming and alarming to me.... Warming in the fact that the caring is still there. You are considering his feelings. Alarming, in the fact that you feel now is the time to back out.
Back to changes. It is natural for the fuzzy feeling to wear out. But that feeling eventually turns into trust, adoration, respect, comfort, etc.... As we truly begin to know our partners, the fuzzy wears out. It just does, and it is natural.
The deal for you now is, YOU have to figure out if the relationship is worth being in or not. There are pros and cons to almost everything in life, and it really doesn't get easier as we go along. If you are going to be looking for that fuzzy feeling, like when you first met, you'll probably be changing boyfriends about every year or two.
I've been married 20 years. The over whelming majority has been a dream. I met and married my soul mate, who just pretty much happens to be my polar opposite. There was a real, real, bad time in there, but our love brought us through that to where we are today. The fuzzy feeling didn't wear off, but it grew into something far bigger, far more important, all encompassing. I still light up when my wife walks into a room full of people..... but it means so much more now than it did 22-23 years ago. It is completely a different level.
So again, its time for you to do a bit of soul searching. It's time to take a real good look at you and your life and what you expect. It is hard to do this honestly..... Be brutally honest with yourself. If it is the warm fuzzies that you seek, it is either there, way in there, or has completely gone away.
Good luck
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