Aa
Is it possible??
How come i'm engaged to a really great guy but i still find myself thinking about my ex alot more than I should??
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh goodness, I didn't realize you have a child with him. I want you to understand that addition isn't a flaw but an illness and in reality, it causes someone to absolutely ruin their life and the life of everyone around them. Addiction is progressive. If he doesn't address it, it will get worse. It's no place for a child. I know that is rough advice for you to take in but absolutely, the best thing is for you to go back to your parents or aunts or grandparents, any safe, trusted adults home at this point. He needs to be clean.
And please do not think I don't understand. I was with an addict at an age not much older than you. I drove him to rehab and told him to get clean. he didn't. I left him. To save myself because that is NO way to live. I give you my advice from experience except I didn't have a child. That, though, is more reason to create a safe place her in which someone is not actively using drugs.
Al anon is really a good first step for you though if you won't leave him. You need to learn that it is NOT okay for him to be as he is. The fact that he won't work is just a symptom of his addictive issues. NOT everyone who loses a job turns to drugs dear. He did because he has an addictive personality. Yes, he is also probably depressed and self medicating. It is a vicious cycle and once physical addiction sets in, it is really the biggest battle some face their entire life. And the numbers of those who relapse is staggering. It's hard. but since he is the dad of your child, I guess give him a chance. But you need to basically tell him you are leaving if he doesn't get clean.
Life/relationships with addicts aren't real relationships. They are based on the fact that the other person is often high/using. Without it, many couples have a hard time coping. And hence, many partners become enablers. It's easier to go along with it rather than confront it.
Take it from me, no relationship is a happy one with addiction attached to it. It is full of heartache and misery and you are so young to be attached to that.
Well, you still need to work to a better path for yourself. Maybe he'll come along, maybe he won't.
By the way, my ex used until he was in his 40's. got clean but has severe liver damage and very ill from the damage he did during his years using. If he sees 50, I'd be surprised. Very sad but HIS addiction was something he could never conquer. And I'm so happy that I did not tie my life to that. I'm happily married, two kids, and the white picket fence life. Marriage is hard enough without the complications of one partner answering to their drug needs over and above their relationship.
Peace and luck to you. These issues are MUCH deeper than just thinking about your ex.
We have addiction forums that might be able to help you and a teen forum for you to check out. good luck
And please do not think I don't understand. I was with an addict at an age not much older than you. I drove him to rehab and told him to get clean. he didn't. I left him. To save myself because that is NO way to live. I give you my advice from experience except I didn't have a child. That, though, is more reason to create a safe place her in which someone is not actively using drugs.
Al anon is really a good first step for you though if you won't leave him. You need to learn that it is NOT okay for him to be as he is. The fact that he won't work is just a symptom of his addictive issues. NOT everyone who loses a job turns to drugs dear. He did because he has an addictive personality. Yes, he is also probably depressed and self medicating. It is a vicious cycle and once physical addiction sets in, it is really the biggest battle some face their entire life. And the numbers of those who relapse is staggering. It's hard. but since he is the dad of your child, I guess give him a chance. But you need to basically tell him you are leaving if he doesn't get clean.
Life/relationships with addicts aren't real relationships. They are based on the fact that the other person is often high/using. Without it, many couples have a hard time coping. And hence, many partners become enablers. It's easier to go along with it rather than confront it.
Take it from me, no relationship is a happy one with addiction attached to it. It is full of heartache and misery and you are so young to be attached to that.
Well, you still need to work to a better path for yourself. Maybe he'll come along, maybe he won't.
By the way, my ex used until he was in his 40's. got clean but has severe liver damage and very ill from the damage he did during his years using. If he sees 50, I'd be surprised. Very sad but HIS addiction was something he could never conquer. And I'm so happy that I did not tie my life to that. I'm happily married, two kids, and the white picket fence life. Marriage is hard enough without the complications of one partner answering to their drug needs over and above their relationship.
Peace and luck to you. These issues are MUCH deeper than just thinking about your ex.
We have addiction forums that might be able to help you and a teen forum for you to check out. good luck
Thanks for the advice:) I know its possible to love more than one person, and i do still care for my ex....i mean even though we went thru hell and back and i was treated like **** for the longest....i will always care for him to the point if something were to happen i would be there for him. I dont love him in tht kind of way, but i do still care for him tremendously. I just wish i could look forward to whats in store for me rather than sitting and thinking about the past. That was then, this is now.
Thanks for the advice specialmom....i do wanna be with someone that will work and take care of their own and when me and him first got together he did work and take care of me but every since he lost that job, he hasn't tried to find another one. We have a 6 month old daughter and i know i dont have to be with him simply for that but i do love him and i do care that he has an addiction. I'm not going to leave him just b/c of his flaws b/c i have flaws and so does everyone else in life. You live and you learn and if i were to leave him while he is like this, there is no telling what he would do. In fact, it would probably make things worse. I want whats best for me and my daughter and even though i have been married before, tht was a mistake tht was made at a too young of age and i do regret it but it happened and i cant change tht now. I did graduate high school with all A's and B's and got a good job 4 days after graduation then i got pregnant and lost my job so now i've moved to start fresh and am currently working at a good paying job. I wish to go back to school in a few months to get my bachelors degree in biology for forensic science(i've always wanted to do work in biology/science.) Anyways, I came into our relationship knowing he had past issues/addictions but i thought they were over with until he got around the wrong person at the wrong time. Now im battling with his problems and mine. I wanna try to mend it back together and help him cope/detox as well as myself. . Everyone makes mistakes and i have made plenty of them so far tht i am not proud of. I pray to god tht he will help us and help get us---should i say me..through all of this.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, it is true that love is an emotion (only) that we can have for many people. Love also doesn't immediately die for someone we were once intimate with. And people that engage in more than one relationship at once can have the emotion of love for both. All true.
I'm just not sure that has anything to really do with the original poster as the first man was her 'husband' when she was 16 and he cheated on her and was not good for her an the second she has been with ever since breaking up with him and she is now 19 and he has a drug addiction problem. I think there is a bit of an issue of helping this girl find a healthy way of seeking relationships in the future while growing more independent in the here and now. peace
I'm just not sure that has anything to really do with the original poster as the first man was her 'husband' when she was 16 and he cheated on her and was not good for her an the second she has been with ever since breaking up with him and she is now 19 and he has a drug addiction problem. I think there is a bit of an issue of helping this girl find a healthy way of seeking relationships in the future while growing more independent in the here and now. peace
I think loving 2 people and making a choice between which no lessons the love they have for the other. This is an issue in society as folks, esp the younger ones, are confused what to do with those feelings. All im suggesting is accepting that they have the ability to love both. Not to act on it but merely to acknowlege that it exists.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Anyway, that is off topic. I think you are thinking about the old boyfriend who by your own account wasn't a great guy at all to you because you know that the issues with your current guy are deep enough that he is also not a great choice. It's a distraction from that. good luck
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh boy. Well, you are right that polygamy is not only not normal to our culture here in American but is against the law.
I do believe in monogamy beyond that in that as many who practice polygamy have only happy men with very unhappy women. Research that. Other societies that practice that are typically not favorable for women's rights.
I do believe in monogamy beyond that in that as many who practice polygamy have only happy men with very unhappy women. Research that. Other societies that practice that are typically not favorable for women's rights.
Hard feelings about what? I dont sense that you have really let him go but bottom line is that is possilbe to love more than one person. Being with one person is a social norm but loving more than one person to me is quite normal, the problem comes in where a society forces a person to choose.
There are countries where men have more than one wife and also where women have more than one husband.
There are countries where men have more than one wife and also where women have more than one husband.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi and welcome. Well, I must speak frankly with you. I'm a realist and my best advice is to get to some al anon meetings and to try to figure out a way to do some intensive therapy to understand what is going on with you and break some patterns that are going to make you miserable in terms of partners.
I've read your other posts and your current status. I do know that you can't help anyone who doesn't want real help or to help themselves.
I could never in any way encourage a relationship of a young woman of 19 who has already been in a destructive relationship/marriage to continue being with someone who is an addict and who doesn't work, etc. And, dear, you were married, what? A year. Then are with a fiancé for 2 years?
What about being your own woman? I know that is hard when we've not set ourselves up that way but it's not too late for you. Did you finish high school? Have you gotten any job training or junior college, online college or college? Now is the time to put your entire focus on that.
you can not save an addict. They do it themselves or they don't and either way, it is a LIFE LONG battle for them. Many relapse and I commend those that find a way to stay clean and maintain that. but often they must watch closely because addiction can reappear in another way. (example, someone's drug of choice originally may be oxycodone . . . they get clean from that, then they begin to gamble, or shop, or drink, or have sex in risk ways, etc. because their brain is programmed to search for some type of high). It's not an easy road. and for a 19 year old, wow. I'd never encourage you to go down that path.
Why is it that you want to be tied to someone sick? Why is it that the bar for yourself is so terribly low? You don't want anyone who pulls their own weight and works?
And then you are thinking of a partner you had at 16 (and it's REAL hard to find a true mature partner at the age of 16 when you were still very young yourself. TRUST me that what you seek at 16 is not what you seek at 25 and you've been in the world as an adult for a bit.
I really think al anon and therapy is much needed here.
Regardless of your status currently, I will tell you that no matter how wonderful some of his qualities are (your current boyfriend)--- that he has enough negatives that you should be putting that relationship to the side. And maybe you'd be helping him get clean. Losing things is important to getting clean. Consequences.
But I'm deeply troubled that you don't want better for yourself.
Sure you are thinking of the past, cheating relationship when you were 16 because the current guy has major issues. Doesn't mean you want to be with the old guy but that your internal voice knows that you shouldn't be in this current relationship.
You need to be without a man and figure out how to live just as yourself. good luck
I've read your other posts and your current status. I do know that you can't help anyone who doesn't want real help or to help themselves.
I could never in any way encourage a relationship of a young woman of 19 who has already been in a destructive relationship/marriage to continue being with someone who is an addict and who doesn't work, etc. And, dear, you were married, what? A year. Then are with a fiancé for 2 years?
What about being your own woman? I know that is hard when we've not set ourselves up that way but it's not too late for you. Did you finish high school? Have you gotten any job training or junior college, online college or college? Now is the time to put your entire focus on that.
you can not save an addict. They do it themselves or they don't and either way, it is a LIFE LONG battle for them. Many relapse and I commend those that find a way to stay clean and maintain that. but often they must watch closely because addiction can reappear in another way. (example, someone's drug of choice originally may be oxycodone . . . they get clean from that, then they begin to gamble, or shop, or drink, or have sex in risk ways, etc. because their brain is programmed to search for some type of high). It's not an easy road. and for a 19 year old, wow. I'd never encourage you to go down that path.
Why is it that you want to be tied to someone sick? Why is it that the bar for yourself is so terribly low? You don't want anyone who pulls their own weight and works?
And then you are thinking of a partner you had at 16 (and it's REAL hard to find a true mature partner at the age of 16 when you were still very young yourself. TRUST me that what you seek at 16 is not what you seek at 25 and you've been in the world as an adult for a bit.
I really think al anon and therapy is much needed here.
Regardless of your status currently, I will tell you that no matter how wonderful some of his qualities are (your current boyfriend)--- that he has enough negatives that you should be putting that relationship to the side. And maybe you'd be helping him get clean. Losing things is important to getting clean. Consequences.
But I'm deeply troubled that you don't want better for yourself.
Sure you are thinking of the past, cheating relationship when you were 16 because the current guy has major issues. Doesn't mean you want to be with the old guy but that your internal voice knows that you shouldn't be in this current relationship.
You need to be without a man and figure out how to live just as yourself. good luck
Nini........if you just need to have this talk with your ex for closure, why don't you do that? You don't want him back, correct?
I must say you are dealing with alot with your current parent; your fiancé.
If this talk would give you peace of mind and allow you to move on then I think it is worth doing.
I must say you are dealing with alot with your current parent; your fiancé.
If this talk would give you peace of mind and allow you to move on then I think it is worth doing.
It was prettty much a mutal thing but for some reason i cant stop thinking about him. i mean i am with a great guy and all but i feel like i need to talk to my ex again to reassure myself that there's no hard feelings, ya know? Is that wrong of me??
Yes i am engaged to him and it is the BF of 2 yrs. We don't really have problems but there are some issues that are seeming to affect us in many ways and i dont know what else to do. He dont work, i'm the one that works and takes care of us and our daughter. I dont think i ever had proper closure with my ex and it really bothers me more than it should obviously. I find myself thinking about my ex more than i ever have and idk why.
I've read some of your other posts. Are you engaged to this bf of 2 years? He has ALOT on his plate that he needs to address if this is the same guy you were talking about in your other posts.
Are you have problems in this current relationship?
Don't see a problem if you are thinking about an ex every now and then, but constantly isn't good. That would possibly indicate you are questioning the current relationship and/or you just haven't had proper closure with the last relationship, i.e. the relationship with the ex.
Are you have problems in this current relationship?
Don't see a problem if you are thinking about an ex every now and then, but constantly isn't good. That would possibly indicate you are questioning the current relationship and/or you just haven't had proper closure with the last relationship, i.e. the relationship with the ex.
Hi,
I believe that the "trap" of comparison is something that everyone has experienced in a relationship. It sure is a sign that you have feelings for your ex and that is something logical and expected. But just keep in mind that there is a reason (or many) for you to be separated.
You can start by trying to "build" memories with your relationship. Try to surprise him with a romantic dinner, a nice movie. You can start traveling. In general doing new things will prevent you from comparison ( you cant compare new experiences after all)
Take care :)
I believe that the "trap" of comparison is something that everyone has experienced in a relationship. It sure is a sign that you have feelings for your ex and that is something logical and expected. But just keep in mind that there is a reason (or many) for you to be separated.
You can start by trying to "build" memories with your relationship. Try to surprise him with a romantic dinner, a nice movie. You can start traveling. In general doing new things will prevent you from comparison ( you cant compare new experiences after all)
Take care :)
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