Aa
Getting back?????
Hello all,
My ex and I has been dating for 3 years. We broke the relationship few months ago due to problem of understanding each other needs. I started seeing some other people and tried to move on but I still think about her all the time. I realized she's been perfect in so many ways, even in some ways that I didn't like and they turned to be right when the time passed. We had no contact for a while. I missed her, the time we spent together, the way she was, looked, behave. I felt depressed, anxious, very unhappy and lonely. Now we are talking again. More I feel secure and more unsure I am what I really want. I am ashamed, about the fact that when I fight for somebody, I tend to be motivated and sure, once I get it I don't know what exactly I want. I want this to be successful come back, but is it real? What should I do, how to approach situation like that?
My ex and I has been dating for 3 years. We broke the relationship few months ago due to problem of understanding each other needs. I started seeing some other people and tried to move on but I still think about her all the time. I realized she's been perfect in so many ways, even in some ways that I didn't like and they turned to be right when the time passed. We had no contact for a while. I missed her, the time we spent together, the way she was, looked, behave. I felt depressed, anxious, very unhappy and lonely. Now we are talking again. More I feel secure and more unsure I am what I really want. I am ashamed, about the fact that when I fight for somebody, I tend to be motivated and sure, once I get it I don't know what exactly I want. I want this to be successful come back, but is it real? What should I do, how to approach situation like that?
Why its so hard to decide, so hard to find out what we do wrong, what is enough and what not. I really want to be with her but will I be happy??? I am so lost.
You are right. We are afraid. I can compromise a lot, admit to mistakes, its never enough. I need stimuli, common decision, feel important and needed. All I get is accusation, some of them are true because, and I admit, but its so hard from the other side..... Hopefully 30 is not the last call....
sometimes it,s not that we can,t move on,but are afraid to,that makes it easier to hold onto what we have,even if we are not happy,just afraid to take a chance,it,s like looking out at a beautiful day,you can go out or stay in and watch your favorite show,or take a chance on going out and enjoying yourself,30 is a good age,enjoy it,
For whatever reason she was part of your life for a time. She was a learning experience for you to bring to another relationship. It's hard to let go of people, especially if there is a significant amount of time you've spent with them. I know when I am in a relationship with someone I become best friends with them. I get into a certain routine of calling them during the day to talk with them or they will call me. If something happens I want to share it with them. So you develop a bond with them and it's sort of like a habit. It takes a while to break that habit. Breaking up is all about taking time to sort through your feelings. You don't just all of a sudden stop thinking about this person. It's a grieving process. Have you heard the saying "time heals all wounds"? Well that would apply to all relationships. You will be fine.
Why sometimes, even if things were not perfect and we were not fully happy and fulfilled, can't forget about the other person?
It never hurts to go see someone to talk to and to help work through your issues. Everyone benefits from some self improvement. Good luck.
Should I go and see some counselor? It seems to be like I am so attached and I dont know why. How to resolve it.
I feel attacked many times when we talk. I am not perfect and I wasn't perfect but I and trying to be a good guy and give the other person as much love as possible. I have a low self esteem and that makes my problem even more complicated. Thank you for your wise words, you made me little more happy.
Are you kidding? Your at the perfect age to meet someone. You are a man who wants a true committed relationship and who wants kids. You are a diamond to some lucky girl. That's what women want!
I think that's a good idea. Its hard but I want to be happy in my life. I dream about loving family and kids. I am 30 already so it might not be easy to find somebody.
Oh I definitely understand that. Maybe its best to move on. You will only feel resentment and bitterness eventually if none of your needs are being met but you do your best to make her happy.
Yes, so many times. But it seems to be that all it counts is what she and her family wants. I tried so many times in many ways. I know man should be strong but we also have our needs and want to feel important and loved.
Thank you very much. I think you are right. The problem is that she is no the type of girl that keeps me on the edge. She is more passive/defensive. Either I play the game she wants or I am done. She has problems with making the decisions and always wants without giving, uffff. I have to pull the strings to get all of this things going, to stimulate life. I am sort of tired sometimes, I do deserve something too.
I think you are just not ready for a committed exclusive relationship if you feel uncertain about your emotions. I would contact her and tell her you would love to take her out to dinner and take it from there. Make your intentions clear and not lead her on. If you want to just spend time with her, take it slow and life has a way of falling into place. Good luck, Judy
I agree with Miami in that you like the 'challenge of the chase."
I do believe you probably love her because you said you basically couldn't get her off your mind. If time passes and someone still continually thinks of someone they dated when they are with others, it usually points to love in the long run. And the fact that you said that some things that you didn't like, they turned to be right in the long run. That to me sounds like someone who loves the person for who they are, the package- with the good and the bad.
What I do sense though is that there is a certain type of a guy and possibly you fall into this category,,,,its not something bad, its just that a certain few men and even some women need to be continually stimulated - not talking in a sexual way. But more so where you have security in knowing your gf is yours, but sorta always on the edge thinking but is she really?, Will she always love me and stay with me... But listen up - >IF< that type of thinking leads to "mistrust" then its NOT good,,,,,BUT IF it leads to "excitement" or a way of having the relationship always seem "new" no matter how long you are in it,,,,then you will always feel like you are trying to win her total affection and believe it or not, that WILL keep you happy. That's not for everyone, but some guys need that type of mental stimulation.
Isn't it the game when we first start to date someone that we like? We try to win their love and affection IF we want to be "theirs?" yep I think so and that is what makes "new" relationships so exciting. I'm speaking from someone that knows. My husband, I think is a little like you - he was sort of a player type though I guess you could say. The women threw themselves at him. I'm not like that. I have too much pride or maybe ego to do that. Or maybe I am just old fashioned and like the guy as the hunter, so anyway my husband is always looking to please me and I know its out of love, but I also think its out of the balancing act that I do to keep him on his toes. He knows he has me, but he still looks to continually win me over or please me. I'm good to him, but I have sort of an edge - or I don't know how to describe, but it works..Thats what keeps it new even after all these years. I probably made no sense to you, because its hard to explain but maybe you did get it and agree or maybe disagree, I don't know..So in other words I see that once you feel you have "conquered" it gets boring, but IF your gf was able to keep that edge, you would always be in pursuit of her even when you are with her and married too. I guess maybe its a certain personality too a woman needs to have in order to keep some type of guys happy. I really don't know how to put this in words, but I know what I feel.
But I do wish you good well. Its sounds like you are a nice guy and your gf sounds nice too. I think she is the one for you, I do, and I say that because you kept comparing her to the others and she always won in your mind. I'd work it out if I were you. I think you would be upset if she was never to be in your life again and that is the true test - think of how you would feel if you lost ALL contact with her. If that would be unbearable, I would think that she is the one. Good luck!!
I do believe you probably love her because you said you basically couldn't get her off your mind. If time passes and someone still continually thinks of someone they dated when they are with others, it usually points to love in the long run. And the fact that you said that some things that you didn't like, they turned to be right in the long run. That to me sounds like someone who loves the person for who they are, the package- with the good and the bad.
What I do sense though is that there is a certain type of a guy and possibly you fall into this category,,,,its not something bad, its just that a certain few men and even some women need to be continually stimulated - not talking in a sexual way. But more so where you have security in knowing your gf is yours, but sorta always on the edge thinking but is she really?, Will she always love me and stay with me... But listen up - >IF< that type of thinking leads to "mistrust" then its NOT good,,,,,BUT IF it leads to "excitement" or a way of having the relationship always seem "new" no matter how long you are in it,,,,then you will always feel like you are trying to win her total affection and believe it or not, that WILL keep you happy. That's not for everyone, but some guys need that type of mental stimulation.
Isn't it the game when we first start to date someone that we like? We try to win their love and affection IF we want to be "theirs?" yep I think so and that is what makes "new" relationships so exciting. I'm speaking from someone that knows. My husband, I think is a little like you - he was sort of a player type though I guess you could say. The women threw themselves at him. I'm not like that. I have too much pride or maybe ego to do that. Or maybe I am just old fashioned and like the guy as the hunter, so anyway my husband is always looking to please me and I know its out of love, but I also think its out of the balancing act that I do to keep him on his toes. He knows he has me, but he still looks to continually win me over or please me. I'm good to him, but I have sort of an edge - or I don't know how to describe, but it works..Thats what keeps it new even after all these years. I probably made no sense to you, because its hard to explain but maybe you did get it and agree or maybe disagree, I don't know..So in other words I see that once you feel you have "conquered" it gets boring, but IF your gf was able to keep that edge, you would always be in pursuit of her even when you are with her and married too. I guess maybe its a certain personality too a woman needs to have in order to keep some type of guys happy. I really don't know how to put this in words, but I know what I feel.
But I do wish you good well. Its sounds like you are a nice guy and your gf sounds nice too. I think she is the one for you, I do, and I say that because you kept comparing her to the others and she always won in your mind. I'd work it out if I were you. I think you would be upset if she was never to be in your life again and that is the true test - think of how you would feel if you lost ALL contact with her. If that would be unbearable, I would think that she is the one. Good luck!!
You like the challenge of the chase. Either you realized the grass isn't greener and that's why you wanted her back or you just like the fact that you can "win" her back. I think you need to be honest with her and with yourself. Sit down and really think if she's the person you want to be with. Can you see a future with her? Do you think that you can fully commit yourself with her? If you can't than she's not the one. I would be upfront with her about your feelings though. It would be a shame for her to have hope that you two will be able to work things out and then you decide you don't want it. That's like sweeping the rug from under feet. It's not fair and it's hurtful. Again, you need to figure out what you want or express to her that you want to take it slow. This way you can work through your true feelings. Don't lead her on, just tell her that you want to see if this will go anywhere.
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