My son hates me.

[Celaeno]

Seven years ago I left my husband of 20 years. He had anger issues throughout and I pretty much got to the end of the rope. I quickly hooked up with another man and got pregnant. My son who is now 22 chose to live with his father, another son now 24 lived with me. I never spoke badly of my ex, but my ex was extremely nasty about me and continued to be abusive even to my son. My 22 year old son now says he hates me (he has been abusive for the past 7 years) and is incredibly nasty to me. I pulled away to give him time to cool off, but any time I try to reach out he reacts angrily, and violently. He is heavily into drinking (which began even before the breakup) and blames his problems all on me. Any suggestions. I am desolate.

[brice1967]

I don't have a clear picture of what is going on, and I'd guess that you don't either.  (By the way, I am sorry that you are having to go through this.)

1. Seek some therapy for yourself and get a professional opinion on how to approach or disconnect from this.  It isn't healthy at all, and noting the fact that he is abusive, why sit and wait for something else/worse to happen.

2.  Perhaps seek some legal counsel.  Find out what can legally be done.  If your son is disrupting your life, that isn't right.  (Maybe this is his cry for help...?)  And as for your ex-husband being abusive towards you or otherwise, law enforcement should at least be made aware of the situation.

3.  Are you currently married to the other guy, and where does he fit into the equation?  He obviously needs to be made aware of the situation.

(I'd guess the divorce or leaving the marriage is where all of the grief lies.  There are a lot of emotions that get conjured up with divorce, and who knows what's been force fed to this child.  None the less, there are avenues for you to take.... not everything that happens and get local authorities involved a.s.a.p.)

[RockRose]

I think there's a lot more going on in your relationship with him that isn't related to the breakup.  If he was "heavily drinking" at the age of 15,  that's really a red flag that he was completely unhappy.  

It's hard to tell from your short post,  the entirety of what's going on here that's made him feel so damaged.  Has he ever had counseling?  Would he accept that?  

In general,  is he successful in life?  (High School diploma or GED,  goals,  a job or college?)

[AnnieBrooke]

See a counselor and learn how to break any communication patterns with your son that encourage him to blame you.  You can't do anything about your ex and his communications, but you can control your reactions, and walking around desolated plays into both of their manipulations.  Want to give them the key to your emotional house, or do you want to be in charge of yourself?