Aa
He lied :(
Ok my husband and I have been together a total of 10 yrs. we both have self esteem issues. We are each other first and only intimate partners. There is a lot of things we don't think is right that other couples don't mind. Let's just say that my husband gets very jealous if I even talk to another man in a friend way. But just recently I got a pocket call and I could hear my husband in the background talking about a woman that lives down the street that he likes to look at and when she talks he doesn't know what she's saying but he's enjoying what he sees. He has told me several times that he only has eyes for me and can't look at other woman in that way. Then i hear this and my heart sinks :( I feel as tho I'm inadequate. That he has to look at other woman because I'm not enough. I'm not super ugly and I'm not fat but I don't have the perfect body anymore after our two girls. So I don't have all the confidence in the world. I talked to him about it and he's so sorry he hurt me but I don't trust him. He lied if he didn't lie about looking at gIrls in that way I wouldn't be so hurt I don't think. I feel disrespected, because if I did this he'd be so mad, probably worse than I am honestly. How do we get past this and back to the way it used to be? He's worth fighting for as I feel he's my soul mate and am in so much love with him. Plz help don't want this to be a burden in our relationship any longer.
The major issue is that he is controlling and would not let her talk to another man in a friendly way yet he can talk to his hot neighbor with the full intention of ignoring her so he can get a close up on her goods.
This isn't about self esteem, this is about trust and boundaries. His boundaries are not the same as your. He expects you to be saint of the year while he can tap into his typical "man" stereotype.
I would suggest discussing with him how you feel. Its normal to feel less attractive when he put you so high up on a pedestal, like you were the cream of the crop and the only thing he needs to look at.
This isn't about self esteem, this is about trust and boundaries. His boundaries are not the same as your. He expects you to be saint of the year while he can tap into his typical "man" stereotype.
I would suggest discussing with him how you feel. Its normal to feel less attractive when he put you so high up on a pedestal, like you were the cream of the crop and the only thing he needs to look at.
Agree with SM and NG.
I really don't see a major issue here. It's not wonderful to hear your husband talking about how goregous another woman is, but it happened.
To be honest if my husband said he didn't look at other women I would think there was something wrong with him. I know I look at gorgeous men. I think every.....well most humans appreciate beauty whether it be a Monet painting, a hot guy or a hot woman.
It's not about you're unattractive, fat or imperfect; it's about it's natural for a guy to look.
I am sure he lied because he knows you would react the way you are reacting now and wants to spare your feelings and doesn't want the situation blowing up into some unnecessary issue/drama between you two.
"I don't want to fight about it I just want to know how to go about getting over the hurt and not being able to trust his behavior when he's out with buddies.".......Unfortunately, you had pre-existing esteem issues already and this just made things worse. I would say address your esteem issues pronto.......and the hubby as well.
I really don't see a major issue here. It's not wonderful to hear your husband talking about how goregous another woman is, but it happened.
To be honest if my husband said he didn't look at other women I would think there was something wrong with him. I know I look at gorgeous men. I think every.....well most humans appreciate beauty whether it be a Monet painting, a hot guy or a hot woman.
It's not about you're unattractive, fat or imperfect; it's about it's natural for a guy to look.
I am sure he lied because he knows you would react the way you are reacting now and wants to spare your feelings and doesn't want the situation blowing up into some unnecessary issue/drama between you two.
"I don't want to fight about it I just want to know how to go about getting over the hurt and not being able to trust his behavior when he's out with buddies.".......Unfortunately, you had pre-existing esteem issues already and this just made things worse. I would say address your esteem issues pronto.......and the hubby as well.
I agree with specialmom. While obviously it doesn't feel good to HEAR our husband's say such things, I think it's very normal, and not at ALL anything dishonest or any indication that he's not the loving devoted husband you think he is. Quite frankly, I think you're overreacting a little bit.
I think a lot of what you're feeling has more to do with insecurity (that you mentioned) than anything else. My husband will make comments here and there when he sees a beautiful woman, and honestly, because I DO trust my husband, it doesn't bother me a bit. I do the same thing occasionally if I see a good looking man. Heck, we'll even joke about it. Like, he'll say "there's my new girlfriend", and I'll say, "She's pretty, just make sure she has money." Or I'll comment that her boobs are inferior to mine...that kind of thing. And we genuinely laugh about it. I think a lot of that has to do with how secure one is with themselves and in the relationship. It doesn't sound like EITHER of you have EVER given the other a reason to worry, so maybe work on trying to "not sweat the small stuff". His heart lies with YOU, not a pretty neighbor who he admires for the way she looks. He has the HISTORY, the love and the devotion to YOU.
I think this is a bit of hang up you have, and while your husband may have not ever said anything about looking at other women TO you before, I think it's kind of a given that he does. Again, that's no reflection on your relationship whatsoever. If he was shamelessly flirting, or seeking this neighbor out to chat every day, that would be different, but it doesn't sound anything remotely like that.
Best of luck to you, I hope you can let this go. Maybe even try to have an honest discussion with your hubby that BOTH of you should work on your insecurities a bit? I think you would BOTH be happier if you did.
I think a lot of what you're feeling has more to do with insecurity (that you mentioned) than anything else. My husband will make comments here and there when he sees a beautiful woman, and honestly, because I DO trust my husband, it doesn't bother me a bit. I do the same thing occasionally if I see a good looking man. Heck, we'll even joke about it. Like, he'll say "there's my new girlfriend", and I'll say, "She's pretty, just make sure she has money." Or I'll comment that her boobs are inferior to mine...that kind of thing. And we genuinely laugh about it. I think a lot of that has to do with how secure one is with themselves and in the relationship. It doesn't sound like EITHER of you have EVER given the other a reason to worry, so maybe work on trying to "not sweat the small stuff". His heart lies with YOU, not a pretty neighbor who he admires for the way she looks. He has the HISTORY, the love and the devotion to YOU.
I think this is a bit of hang up you have, and while your husband may have not ever said anything about looking at other women TO you before, I think it's kind of a given that he does. Again, that's no reflection on your relationship whatsoever. If he was shamelessly flirting, or seeking this neighbor out to chat every day, that would be different, but it doesn't sound anything remotely like that.
Best of luck to you, I hope you can let this go. Maybe even try to have an honest discussion with your hubby that BOTH of you should work on your insecurities a bit? I think you would BOTH be happier if you did.
COMMUNITY LEADER
In all honesty, I think men talk like this and it is pretty normal. And meaningless.
What double standard are you talking about? She's not a 'friend' but simply a neighbor. He can't help but run into her and he mentioned in a situation that was totally a guy moment that she was good looking. That's different than telling YOU that, flirting, gawking at her in front of you, texting her to chat, etc.
Right?
What double standard are you talking about? She's not a 'friend' but simply a neighbor. He can't help but run into her and he mentioned in a situation that was totally a guy moment that she was good looking. That's different than telling YOU that, flirting, gawking at her in front of you, texting her to chat, etc.
Right?
He says she's so good looking that he can't pay attention to what she says. We have talked about it. He knows I heard him. I don't want to fight about it I just want to know how to go about getting over the hurt and not being able to trust his behavior when he's out with buddies. I honestly don't feel he'd cheat but I don't like the double slandered he's holding.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Well, here is how I honestly feel about this hon. It stinks you over heard him. That's hard and puts an image in your mind and just makes us feel kind of bad to know this. BUT, every male and female has eyes and notices attractive people. Doesn't mean that anyone would ever do anything.
I'm happily married and have no desire to be with another man but notice other attractive men. I'm human. We have a good looking male neighbor and I'm friendly with him. Doesn't mean we are friends and that I would ever do more than a friendly chit chat at the mailbox area of our neighborhood.
so, I would try not to make this a huge issue. I would mention to your husband that he pocket dialed you and if you ever wondered what it was like to be a fly on the wall . . . now you know. Yuck, you don't want to be because what you heard hurt your feelings. Tell him what you heard and say that you know he loves you (because acknowledging another woman is attractive has NOTHING to do with his relationship with you as we ALL have eyes that we can't keep closed going through life) but you heard it. Then give him a hug. He'll love that you handled it that way rather than grilling him, believing he's cheating, etc. Or becoming massively insecure from this.
Don't you notice an attractive man when out and about?
I'm happily married and have no desire to be with another man but notice other attractive men. I'm human. We have a good looking male neighbor and I'm friendly with him. Doesn't mean we are friends and that I would ever do more than a friendly chit chat at the mailbox area of our neighborhood.
so, I would try not to make this a huge issue. I would mention to your husband that he pocket dialed you and if you ever wondered what it was like to be a fly on the wall . . . now you know. Yuck, you don't want to be because what you heard hurt your feelings. Tell him what you heard and say that you know he loves you (because acknowledging another woman is attractive has NOTHING to do with his relationship with you as we ALL have eyes that we can't keep closed going through life) but you heard it. Then give him a hug. He'll love that you handled it that way rather than grilling him, believing he's cheating, etc. Or becoming massively insecure from this.
Don't you notice an attractive man when out and about?
Hi, what do you mean he doesnt know what shes saying is it a different language? What i would do is tell him how would he feel if you were in contact with a man down the road. Ask him bluntly, what the heck are your doing and get a little mad and tell him you dont trust him now. You need to get this out in the open and off your chest.
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