Horrible Heartache!!!!! Please Lend Support

[DellaKemp]

Hello,

I have been a member of this site for a few years. I have mostly been a member for the TTC community. I am here today for the relationship side of things.

A little background: I got married to my soon to be ex-husband November 14, 2008. Everything was great so I thought. Things weren't as great as it seems or how i wanted them to be. Thought maybe having a child would help him grow up and realize what he was losing by acting the way he was. Thank God we never succeeded in getting pregnant. I came to the realization that the person I married was not the same person that I fell in love with. I know that people change and relationships evolve, they have to. But when someone that you thought you knew does a complete 180, red flags go up.

Speed up to my current situation. Husband and I are in the process of splitting up. I have tried to be fair and get the filing underway, but he is not working with me. I just know that I am not going to put my life on hold because he doesn't want to cooperate. Needless to say, I have met an amazing man. Nothing as far as a relationship happen until my husband decided to leave to test me to see if I would beg for him back. I was already done trying to save my marriage about a year ago. This all happened starting the end of May 2012.

Well speed up, Man A (Not releasing his name as of yet) and I have a wonderful relationship. I have never met anyone that has allowed me to truly let my guard down and is truly happy in seeing me happy. He is settled, not into playing games, loving, caring, hard-worker and has an amazing zest for life. Its very safe to say that we fell in love with each other very quickly. I am in need of support because, a fews back when he was recently divorced and trying to still support his son, he took a job in the finance department of a company. Well one of those situations of wrong place at the wrong time. He over-heard these 2 guys talking about stuff, but really had no reason to believe it was anything more than talking. Turns out, those 2 guys were heavily involved in trying to scam millions of dollars from different companies. When all of this came out, he was implicated. Since he worked in the finance department, he must have been involved. Farthest thing from the truth. He took a plea because they would have tried and sentence him along with the 2 main people ( 1 received 30 yrs and the other 20 yrs ). He didnt want to risk his future and missing out on that many yrs with his son. Completely understandable. He received almost 3 yrs. He is surrendering himself to the minimum security camp today.

I feel like my heart is being ripped out and nobody, but him cares. I get told that I am stupid for wanting to still be with him, for allowing myself to fall in love so quickly after separating from my not even ex yet ( but I told you that situation), that he doesn't deserve me and I don't deserve him. All I know is I love him and I am looking for support and advice. I am new to the being a girlfriend to an inmate. How long with it take until I get used to falling asleep without him or until my heart doesn't hurt anymore? I have never felt this much pain before, not even for my failed marriage.

[TTinKKerBBell]

RockRose ALWAYS Rocks!!  We should ALL listen when She contributes to these forums!!

DellaKemp:  There is Denial in ALL things!!   but THIS is denial in the extreme!! As regards Your 1st Marriage:  People DO NOT do a "complete 180 degree change".  The "change" is in YOU becoming "aware".  I would suggest there were "red flags" at the "get go" that You CHOSE to ignore ( insert deny!!)
I truely believe You are doing this YET AGAIN!!
You would behoove YourSelf to question why You are SO desparate to be "in love" that You keep subjecting YourSelf to "unfullfilling" relationships??  It takes COURAGE to read the signals!!

My advice:  
You REALLY need to look inside YourSelf to Understand, Realize WHY You "attract" to Relationships in which You need to sacrifice YourSelf!!  Maybe therapy is in order??
Good Luck
I Truely Hope You Find Your Way to Realize Your Own Self Worth!!

[Londres70]

Absolutely RockRose.  

RockRose has provided EXCELLENT info.  I just took a quick peek at the site and it is VERY informative and eye-opening.  

All the best.

[RockRose]

This is probably the best support group you could find - wives and girlfriends of prisoners.  

Interestingly,  the welcoming article specifically says that if you have to sugar up this relationship by calling it "like the military",  you haven't yet stepped into the brave truth of the matter.  It is,  the opening article says,  nothing like that.

I am amazed at the bravery,  and candor of these women,  and think you will benefit greatly from reading through this site and staring down your own reflection in the mirror through them.  This support group might be just the face slap of reality that we here can't manage to convey,  because in fact,  you do not understand what you're getting yourself in to.

I urge you to join this support group,  or at the very least read the articles and opinions that are on the website available to those who haven't joined as members yet.

Best wishes.

http://pwgp.org/

[DellaKemp]

I understand what I am getting into as much as I can. He was upfront with me from the get go. I chose to be in this situation.

I do look at it as military situation. I love him and I will wait for him.

[overopiates]

u want advice from someone who has been in the situation of someone being in prison and there partner having to deal with it.I WILL TELL U!I got to c it up close and personal for over6years with my mom.She was w/this man7+yrs b4he went to prison.It was AWFUL.Its exactly like you r locked up with them.I was13when he went in.I lost the mom I had.She changed and Ive known other women who did the same waiting.U will become very depressed,u will end up making ur whole life about doing stuff for him.Scheduling ur life around visits,phone calls,getting packages together,writing them and so much more.U love him o.k. but even my mom will tell u NO DONT DO THIS.U dnt even realize he will not be the man ur n love with when he gets out after3yrs.U will be living HIS LIFE&BE LIVING ON THE REAL WORLD PHYSICALLY BUT MENTALLY U WILL BE IN PRISON.U will probably end up resenting him regaurdless of how in love u r.U need to move on.If its meant to be it will be but dating someone a short time then waiting for them for 3yrs is silly.U deserve to have a real life whether ur single or date others eventually.Ur not married to him,no kids with him.Dont put ur life on hold.And please dont say u wont be doing that because trust me U WILL.

[specialmom]

Well, I think you are going to have to approach this then like you would with a new boyfriend that went off to war or something like that.  You are forced to be seperated and that is just the circumstance that  can't be changed.  I would write him letters and visit occasionally.  Hon, I think what I would love to ask of you is that you don't stop living your life while he is gone.  Stay open to doing things with friends and family, explore your hobbies, dive into work, etc.  

I know that I always wish that I could control life.  It always ticks me off and makes me sad when I can't.  Realizing that I don't know how things will turn out and I need to be open to the twists and turns life takes me helps.  Be open to the fact that you can't control this and time will tell what is meant to be.  You can still go on and live life----  maybe a year from now you will meet someone you want to go on a date with.  I personally just think you should be open minded to this type of 'unknown' of what the next three years has in store for you rather than trying to control it.

But no doubt it hurts to have someone we want to be with taken away for whatever the reason.  You really don't have to make any decision about anything right now.  You can keep in contact with him and still live your life to the fullest and as time goes on, it may become more clear what direction to take.  peace