How can I forgive infidelity?

[Hels83]

Three years ago I discovered my husband had been cheating on me. At first I threw him out but then he begged me to take him back so I did. I don't believe he had full sex with the person in question, but their relationship was of a sexual nature and of course I'll never really know for sure. We went through counselling and he vowed he would change and I think he is really trying. We now have a 4 month old baby who we both adore. The trouble is, I still haven't forgiven him for hurting me so much in the past. I find myself nit picking things he says and does often, and I bring up the infidelity now and then and we end up having a full blown argument. I stayed with him because I love him and believe he loves me, but sometimes I feel like I hate him and can't stop the poison coming out of my mouth. I really want to get over this and raise our beautiful boy with him but struggle to control the spite sometimes. If anyone can help me id be grateful! Xxx

[Nighthawk61]

it was a bad mistake, try to think of images of you having sex in the past with someone other than your husband. You had a love life without him. Hopefully it will help you realize that all images are simply a waste of time, and are not the here and now. A therapist will give you the tools that you sorely need.

[Life360_Dave]

What your going through is one of the more difficult things to deal with as you have visions in your mind of them being together and having sex. My hat goes out to you for having the strength taking him back.
I think whats happening is that you have not forgiven him even through you say you have because your having problems getting the images out of your mind. To make this work you need to accept the images of them having sex and  not using the affair as a tool to win argements. If you cant accept the images, then i would suggest to separate as years of mental torment will have a negative effect on your wellbeing.

[Hels83]

I'm sure you're right. My parents had a very messy divorce when I was very young and it had a big effect on me, and most likely has affected my own marriage.  My upbringing was quite violent as well (I am not violent). I have been in therapy a couple of times, I'm not sure how much it's helped me really but I really want my boy to have a better start than I did. I do love my husband and will try to change my attitude.

[Nighthawk61]

Absolutely see a therapist. It's the only thing you can do at this point. Thankfully your son is young, but if you don't deal with it now, and and both of you learn how t value today, your son will be bringing with him a sense of something not being right at home when he goes to kindergarten. That's less than ideal, And as Anniebrooke, says, the marriage is doomed if it's not fixed.
I believe we make our own luck, so pray that your circumstances change. My husband cheated years ago, we got over it and love each other very much.

[AnnieBrooke]

See a therapist.  Since you're obviously not over it, and you say you want to be but can't get over it by yourself, get some help.  He won't last forever in a situation where you're going to go over old grievances and nitpicking him, he will feel like you are looking at him ready to pounce.  If you can't get over it, then the two of you need to make plans for a different reality, whether or not you have a baby.  He can't grow up watching you model a marriage where you say hateful things to his dad.