How can I overcome problems getting aroused with my boyfriend?

[phina]

I am a survivor of both rape & molestation. Because of these events, I am very hesitant and unsure when it comes to being intimate with my boyfriend of 11 months now. We have slept together and he is aware of what happened to me. Still, sometimes when we try to be intimate I feel myself close up & am unable to go through with being with him. Countless times we have to stop because of my lack of intimacy/not wanting to be touched. How am I supposed to approach this the right way? I DO want to have a normal intimate relationship with my boyfriend & I constantly feel that this is not fair to him. I worry that because of the way I am that he will eventually look for sexual satisfaction someplace else, whether it be another woman or a porn site or whatnot. He assures me that he loves me & is very understanding when I do tell him I can't continue with our foreplay, etc. But sometimes he pressures me without knowing because of my lack of communication to tell him when a certain act makes me uncomfortable, etc. It makes intimacy very awkward for me & embarrassing. What should I do?

[Mitch82]

Glad I could help, he sounds like a great guy, I hope things work out well, I am sure they will :-)

[phina]

thank you so much for your advice. it brought my bf and i to talk things out and establish when and what makes me uncomfortable and now that he is aware i am not as shy as i was mentioning when i was feeling awkward and in return he is very understanding. thank you so much i never thought of it from that perspective.

[phina]

thank you so much for your post. i don't feel so alone anymore. may i ask how you were able to find your professional you talked to? or any suggestions as to how to find one? i realize this is important in order to go through the healing process, which i more than plan to do. since posting this, my bf and i have talked more and there is much more communication between both of us to where i do not feel pressured at all any more. once opening up, he did not realize he did pressure me at times and overly apologized and agreed to communicate more. i believe this is a step in the right direction. thank you for your input.

[phina]

no i do not feel that way at all. i just do know that it is important to be intimate in an relationship. i know that this is the special person for me because he is very considerate of my feelings and very understanding when it comes to not being able to go through with being intimate. we have discussed addressing my issues together and have had much more communication which has helped me in being able to let him know when i feel comfortable and when i do not. therapy is what i am trying to look into... any suggestions on that, not whether my partner is the one for me or not?

[Mitch82]

You may wish to search for a counsellor that specialises in this area, I know that here in Australia, there are some organisations that assist only in the counselling of victims of crime, as hard as it may be you do need to open up, and when you do you may find that some of the issues you experience may seem less difficult to tackle.  Also you may wish to lay out to your partner certain acts etc... that make you particularly uncomfortable, you have to remember that the male is very much a different animal to the female when it comes to sex, and male brains seem to switch into a different mode when it comes to sex, giving him some more insight may allow him to become more sensitive to your needs, good luck with everything.

[A22]

I have been through the same as you have before, and i know exactly where you are coming from...i use to also have the same issues of intamacy. Talking with a professional helped me understand how to cope with the feeling of awkwardness and not wanting to be touched..and although it helped take control of my life...i still couldnt get past the intimate part...then i realized a huge part of it is inside you and coping with the fact that its really not your fault and although you may WANT to be intimate does not mean that you are ready. I have been with my fiance for alot of years and in the past year was actually to the point of becoming intimate and being comforitable with it. It's not completely impossible to overcome it, but it does take time to heal, its not easy to go through what you have...and your boyfriend needs to be very understanding. Even though he seems understanding, if you feel insecure still with it though, then you need to move on your time and at your own pace...dont worry about his, if he really loves you he will wait until you are truly ready. Remember, baby steps help with coping, and he will not be so keen to invest his intimacy elsewhere.

[Judy246]

I'm not sure of your age. If in school, a councelor will be able to help and advise in a confidential manner. I can understand the cost issue. There are websites for rape victims, where you can confidentially share your feelings and emotions with other victims, and yet not feel obligated to anyone, just to sort out your emotions and begin the healing process. This criminal will have to live the rest of his days with the guilt that he has hurt someone and I believe in karma....there is a higher justice. Best wishes...Judy

[teko]

Is it possible you feel like sex is the main event with your bf? I think it will take a special person to gently bring you thru this, and personally I do not think you have met him. Sex is not a tool to get what you want whether you are a man or a woman. In your case the relationship with someone you truly love and loves you not only for the sex, but you the person will go along way in healing. The rest needs to be handled in a therapist setting and there are those thru the county that are based on income. You might contact your county offices for more information.

[phina]

Thanks for replying to the post I appreciate it...

I'm not very sure about therapy at this point (ie: costs, mainly.. but also uncomfortable w/ therapists & don't know how to find one.) At the time I was going I was a minor & my parents had set it up for me

I get what you're saying about moving on & putting it behind me by regaining control of my life & that's exactly what I'm trying & would like to do.. I DON'T want to live with the after effects of rape for the rest of my life..

Do you have any suggestions on how to find a therapist?

[Judy246]

You have experienced a crime against you. Rape is a crime and you need professional help to sort out what you feel inside order to heal. Don't fool yourself in thinking that you can do this by yourself, because you can't. Rape is a crime of  power and control and it's time for you to take back control of you and your life and never permit anyone to ever hurt you again, but you need counceling. You boyfriend is inocent of what is happening to you emotionally and paying the price. He is noble to stand by you, but the question is how much will he take?

Of course you can't get intimate with him....you have been violated and don't want anyone touching you right now. Please seek professional help as soon as possible, or this tramatic event in your life will not let you move forward.  It's time to heal and yes, there is a full life after rape. By continuing to suffer, you are still giving that criminal power, so take back power over you, seek help and put the past where it belongs...the past. Judy

[phina]

Been to 2 different therapists but was not comfortable enough to open up enough to really talk about everything... Haven't tried any new ones since.

[GRose]

Have you ever talked to a professional about what you have been through? I think that may be a necessary step in ever having a normal relationship. I'm so sorry that you went through such traumatizing events.