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How to talk to him without freaking him out
Hello. I've been seeing this guy for almost 4 months, and I feel like our relationship is sort of 'stuck' in the beginning stages. It seemed like when we first started dating we were really excited and wanted to see each other quite a bit. I realize after life sets in, it's almost impossible to spend every day together. We're both busy professionals, and we both work out a lot (we met at the gym). We live very close to each other, but I don't feel like we've been spending enough quality time together, and for some reason we have a hard time asking the other to hang out/do something. I'm definitely not a clingy person - I'm the type of girl that doesn't call/text often, because I don't want to feel like I'm bugging him.
I really want to talk to him and find out why things are so weird between us. I think 1 of 2 things is going on, and I just want to ask him and find out: 1) I think I've been so laid back in this relationship, and he doesn't know how/when to ask me to do something with him, OR 2) he really just doesn't want to hang out with me. He still calls/texts me everyday, but he never really asks me to come over, and doesn't offer to come to my place. Last week, I bought a brand new car, and the very next day two windows were broken out. He let me borrow his car until mine was repaired, which I thought was very sweet. I still have his car at my house, and when he called on Friday night I asked if he wanted me to bring it to him. I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner, and he said, "Sure, if you'd like to hang out and spend the night you can bring it over but I'm in no hurry to get it back." I asked him what he wanted me to do. And he said, "Now you're putting it back on me - well, I guess we can mess with it tomorrow." When he says things like that, I can't tell if he's really wanting me to stay with him, or if he's trying to verify what I want.
Another thing that drives me nuts - he's been saying for a while now "we need to go to a hockey or a football game..." but he never follows through. He ended up going to a football game yesterday with his parents, but he didn't invite me. I realize I haven't we haven't met each other's parents yet, but it still hurt my feelings that he didn't invite me.
He introduced me to another one of his best friends this weekend - I would like to think he's not just playing around with me if he's letting me meet his friends. He also told me that all of his friends I've met really like me. I've asked some of my girl and guy friends for advice, and everyone has pretty much told me he likes me, but he's trying to figure out if I like him. I feel like after 4 months, he should know I like him...why would I still be dating him if I didn't?? Typically at this stage, I would normally see a guy once or twice during the week, and we'd spend nearly all weekend together. We usually see each other one night during the week, and we see each other on weekends, but we hardly spend an entire day together. If he doesn't make plans with me in advance, even on the weekends, I make my own plans and stick to them. I don't call him afterwards, and I don't go over to his house and spend the night when I get home. He's told me before that I can call him anytime day or night, and I can see him every day if I want to - but I want him to take intiative as well.
How do I bring this up to him without him thinking I'm trying to tie him down, or make him feel like he's doing something wrong? I don't want to put this on him because I realize I could be making him feel the same way, but I'm willing to work to make our relationship better.
I really want to talk to him and find out why things are so weird between us. I think 1 of 2 things is going on, and I just want to ask him and find out: 1) I think I've been so laid back in this relationship, and he doesn't know how/when to ask me to do something with him, OR 2) he really just doesn't want to hang out with me. He still calls/texts me everyday, but he never really asks me to come over, and doesn't offer to come to my place. Last week, I bought a brand new car, and the very next day two windows were broken out. He let me borrow his car until mine was repaired, which I thought was very sweet. I still have his car at my house, and when he called on Friday night I asked if he wanted me to bring it to him. I was on my way to meet a friend for dinner, and he said, "Sure, if you'd like to hang out and spend the night you can bring it over but I'm in no hurry to get it back." I asked him what he wanted me to do. And he said, "Now you're putting it back on me - well, I guess we can mess with it tomorrow." When he says things like that, I can't tell if he's really wanting me to stay with him, or if he's trying to verify what I want.
Another thing that drives me nuts - he's been saying for a while now "we need to go to a hockey or a football game..." but he never follows through. He ended up going to a football game yesterday with his parents, but he didn't invite me. I realize I haven't we haven't met each other's parents yet, but it still hurt my feelings that he didn't invite me.
He introduced me to another one of his best friends this weekend - I would like to think he's not just playing around with me if he's letting me meet his friends. He also told me that all of his friends I've met really like me. I've asked some of my girl and guy friends for advice, and everyone has pretty much told me he likes me, but he's trying to figure out if I like him. I feel like after 4 months, he should know I like him...why would I still be dating him if I didn't?? Typically at this stage, I would normally see a guy once or twice during the week, and we'd spend nearly all weekend together. We usually see each other one night during the week, and we see each other on weekends, but we hardly spend an entire day together. If he doesn't make plans with me in advance, even on the weekends, I make my own plans and stick to them. I don't call him afterwards, and I don't go over to his house and spend the night when I get home. He's told me before that I can call him anytime day or night, and I can see him every day if I want to - but I want him to take intiative as well.
How do I bring this up to him without him thinking I'm trying to tie him down, or make him feel like he's doing something wrong? I don't want to put this on him because I realize I could be making him feel the same way, but I'm willing to work to make our relationship better.
Perhaps he is trying to find out how you feel about marriage in general; where you stand. If one person would like marriage one day and the other never wants marriage then this would be a conflict.
I think you are still projecting alot of unresolved issues from your last relationship on this relationship. It is as if all he needs to do is mention "marriage" and it brings you back to the engagement you ended 2 years ago freaking you out.
I think you are still projecting alot of unresolved issues from your last relationship on this relationship. It is as if all he needs to do is mention "marriage" and it brings you back to the engagement you ended 2 years ago freaking you out.
I just wasn't sure how I felt about it - I ended an engagement 2 years ago, and it was around this time of year. As he's mentioning marriage more lately it makes me uncomfortable. I wasn't sure what to think since no one has ever said that to me before. The way he made it sound, he won't be ready for marriage for a while...like more than 2 years, but he didn't put a time limit on it. He's had a bit of good news with his company lately, but he's not totally out of the woods yet. Maybe he was just feeling better about his situation overall.
I don't know - I guess to me, if you know you're not ready for something, why bring it up at all?
I don't know - I guess to me, if you know you're not ready for something, why bring it up at all?
Your post is a bit confusing.
I stated he was entertaining the thought; not he is actually running out getting the ring and proposing.
Like I stated in the previous post that "someone" is you because who can be you better than you. Doesn't mean he is ready to do it now, in a year or in two years. It is obvious he isn't in a financial position to be asking anyone to marry him at this time.
Do you not think you are deserving of this compliment or what?
I stated he was entertaining the thought; not he is actually running out getting the ring and proposing.
Like I stated in the previous post that "someone" is you because who can be you better than you. Doesn't mean he is ready to do it now, in a year or in two years. It is obvious he isn't in a financial position to be asking anyone to marry him at this time.
Do you not think you are deserving of this compliment or what?
Last night we had a long discussion after dinner. Lately he's been making comments about marriage, and wants to start saving money. He doesn't talk about us getting married specifically, as we've only been seeing each other for 4 - 5 months. He told me when he got out of college at 23, he thought the next step was a job and marriage, and in the beginning of some of his relationships he thought, "is this going to be the one?" But after a while he’d realize he didn’t feel the person was right for him. He thought he’d be married by now and he's thought of marriage the same way at different points in his life, but over the years he's hasn’t been closer to marriage than he was 10-12 years ago.
He's had difficulty with the company he owns, and feels marriage and kids aren't in the near future since he's not where he wants to be financially/professionally. He actually had to use his personal savings last year to help save his company. I asked if he felt like he was wasting his time with me -- he said no and seemed surprised by my inquiry. He said he's never been with someone like me before, who's level-headed, independent, successful, and he can see himself marrying someone like me.
He's had difficulty with the company he owns, and feels marriage and kids aren't in the near future since he's not where he wants to be financially/professionally. He actually had to use his personal savings last year to help save his company. I asked if he felt like he was wasting his time with me -- he said no and seemed surprised by my inquiry. He said he's never been with someone like me before, who's level-headed, independent, successful, and he can see himself marrying someone like me.
Sounds like he is entertaining the idea of marriage with you. The "someone" like you is YOU.
No red flag in my book; definitely complimentary.
No red flag in my book; definitely complimentary.
What does it mean when a guy says, "I could see myself marrying someone like you - who's level-headed, independent, successful?"
It seems like that could be complimentary or red-flag...what do you think?
It seems like that could be complimentary or red-flag...what do you think?
From reading this post it seems like he is feeding off the vibes you are sending to him. He seems to want to hang out with you. If he didnt he probably wouldnt have mentioned you spending the night after bringing his car over. He wants to spend time with you but he doesnt want to seem like he is bugging you or intruding on your life. He probably knows you like him but he may feel like he is not a huge priority to you. Most guys rather just avoid hard conversations especially relationship conversations, so instead of asking you to hang with him he is waiting to see what happens. He probably doesnt want to come off as too clingy if he is the one to ask you to hang out often.
You said "I make my own plans and stick to them. I don't call him afterwards, and I don't go over to his house and spend the night when I get home. He's told me before that I can call him anytime day or night, and I can see him every day if I want to - but I want him to take intiative as well." I agree with you it is important that he also take the iniative. But he may feel too insecure to take those kind of initiatives. He may not feel like you want to spend too much time with him. Maybe try giving him a call when you get home from hanging with friends and say something like "I missed you, wish you could have been there" It will open up the relationship and let him know you do care for him and he is on your mind. Maybe that is all he needs, reassurance.
Talk to him as soon as you can :-)
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You said "I make my own plans and stick to them. I don't call him afterwards, and I don't go over to his house and spend the night when I get home. He's told me before that I can call him anytime day or night, and I can see him every day if I want to - but I want him to take intiative as well." I agree with you it is important that he also take the iniative. But he may feel too insecure to take those kind of initiatives. He may not feel like you want to spend too much time with him. Maybe try giving him a call when you get home from hanging with friends and say something like "I missed you, wish you could have been there" It will open up the relationship and let him know you do care for him and he is on your mind. Maybe that is all he needs, reassurance.
Talk to him as soon as you can :-)
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Hi...thank you for the comments. We've actually spent the past two nights hanging out, and I haven't brought this up to him. He's still inviting me to do things with him, and we're still having good conversation. I have noticed the past week or so, he's not been as affectionate. I don't mean in the bedroom, but just in general, (in public, sitting on the couch, etc.) I'm trying to find an appropriate time to bring some of these issues up and exactly which issues to address - I don't want to directly ask him how he feels about me, or where the relationship is going because he'll think I'm planning our wedding, and I'm not at all.
I've thought about it the last couple of days, and I'm going to try and be proactive about making decisions/plans with him. I've tried to think about my own actions, and how I come off to him. For instance, if he doesn't text me all day, I don't text him either. I've talked to a few of my friends about the situation and they've told me at times I can be a little unresponsive and stone-faced. And yes, I would also agree with you Londres, I tend to over-think things sometimes. :) Thanks for all the suggestions - it will help me when I do talk to him!!
I've thought about it the last couple of days, and I'm going to try and be proactive about making decisions/plans with him. I've tried to think about my own actions, and how I come off to him. For instance, if he doesn't text me all day, I don't text him either. I've talked to a few of my friends about the situation and they've told me at times I can be a little unresponsive and stone-faced. And yes, I would also agree with you Londres, I tend to over-think things sometimes. :) Thanks for all the suggestions - it will help me when I do talk to him!!
Yeap communication is a huge problem in dis relationship, and I tnk both of yol have pride it tyk 2 deae, u shud col coz it not lyk u ask 2 mit wid him n he cancels u dnt js bcs u dnt wanna seem bugging him. Myb da guy tnks u neglecting him, probably he fil da same, if u rlly luv him n need him in ur lyf twk 2 him and see if he change n if he doesn't u wil tyk it 4rm der.relationship do end through lack of communication blv m I knw it happened 2 me, coz der was a guy I was dating tngz seemed perfect lot of ppl tot we were perfect couple bt bcs good communication was not der tngz ended in da most weird wae. Few wiks ago we were chatting n he said dis ma x bf "I stil believ it was mis-communication n lack of trust" so yah dat how we broke up! Plus we both had pride no1 was willing 2 tyk initiative. Do something remember it nv too late! Gudluck
4 months into the relationship is not that long but I agree there should be a little more passion there. I would lay it on the line just like you did here, maybe show him a copy of your feelings even? The real problem between the two of you it sounds like is communication and that needs to be resolved right away. Knowing where you stand goes a long way in the nurturing of a relationship or knowing when your wasting your time. Really, what do you have to lose? Nothing. But you have everything to gain. So, start talking!
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The car conversation and the football game situation, hmmm.......I really don't see them as issues or problems. He told you to bring the car if you wanted to come hang out. He wasn't in a hurry to get the car back. Point out. Then, he went to a football game with his parents and didn't invite you. Perhaps he is NOT ready for you to meet his parents and/or he just wanted some time with his parents alone. Point out. You can even buy tickets for the two of you to go to a game together. He did mention the idea, but that doesn't mean you can initiate buying the actual tickets for a game.
I think you are reading into situations way too much at times.
Do have a talk with him; just ask him how he feels about you all and if there are any concerns about the relationship according to him then jump in after he tells you.