Why did I do what I did?

[iphone22]

Hi everybody,

So currently I am dating this really beautiful women, way more attractive than me and I'm super lucky to have her. We've been dating with relatively no problems and have had an extremely great sex life. But, I cheated on her with a hooker while I was in Amsterdam out with a couple of buddies and I DON'T KNOW WHY!!!!  We were drinking heavily, but no, my friends didn't encourage me to do it. It was entirely decision. I was near blackout drunk but even so, it was my choice and I was wrong. I've never even gotten close to an action like that in my life and I have experienced that level of drunk before.


Me and my girlfriend share a really close bond and have gotten along super well throughout our whole relationship about  3 years now and not only am I so ******* disappointed in myself, but I can't believe that I would put myself in a position to ******* destroy a persons life that I love so much and even aside from love to have the potential to do that to ANYBODY. Generally out of my friends, I'm the one who doesn't take part in self destructive behavior but now I think that I might actually be the worst one.  I've had a couple relationships before this one, and really to be honest most of them have been horrible. But this isn't about me, this is about why I would do something so horrible to one of the best things that has ever happened to me?

Like a lot of places have said I have spent time introspecting.

I think the root of my issues are deep seeded insecurities covered by a slight layer of ego. Frankly I was pretty unattractive for a long part of my life, but have aged into slightly better looks. I think part of me feels insecure that I didn't have the chance to hook up or have sex with lots of women when I was younger and I think part of me still is mad that I didn't have those opportunities and now that I do(ish not really even because I paid for a hooker)) I feel a sneaky desire to act on them. If it is why do I feel so horrible about it?  It's just so ******* slimey and looking at myself from the outside it's ******* sad.  

I've read a lot of posts on here and I'm another one of the many people that feels an extremely overwhelming remorse about the action that I took and I just can't even think of a plan of action. I've always considered my self a very good person, I'm really known for being genuinely nice to people but now I feel like a hypocrite and a fake. I don't even know who I am anymore.


Back round: My girlfriend is extremely beautiful and great person but has relatively low confidence and this type of thing would absolutely DESTROY her life. I don't know whether to tell her or not. There is 0 way she can find out, but like many i'm grappling with the guilt. I've thought about it and I genuinely do want to be with her. I really do.

She values honesty, but I genuinely don't believe she would ever be the same if I told her and the relationship would end.  The worst part is I know she would never do the same to me EVER.

Will I do this again? No I would rather puke. It is just so out of the ordinary. Do I tell her? Am I just being conceited by unleashing my feelings? I think I absolutely need to talk to a counselor and unravel some of this rant that i'm laying off on everyone here.

Make angry comments calling me garbage, or make comments helping me figure this out I am open to either.

Side note:  I wore a condom during the event, however, I will be getting tested as well just to be safe.  

[CurfewX]

In my opinion, absolutely NOTHING good can come of telling her.  It may relieve your guilt, but it's her feelings you are trying to preserve, and quite frankly, that should take precedence over relieving your own guilt.

No one is going to trash you here - we aren't here to judge you.  It sounds like this was a learning experience for you, and that you're now fully certain that stepping outside of this relationship is just not right for you.

If you must relieve your guilt, unload on a counselor, a priest, someone you trust, etc., but by all means, do not put this burden on her.

[RDVW]

Do. Not. Tell. Her. I repeat: do not tell her. And if someone else ever tells her deny it. Deny it till hell freezes over. And for crying out loud stop blaming yourself. It happened. You can't change it. Get over it. People make mistakes. People learn from mistakes. Sounds to me like you did. If it really bugs the hell out of you and you can't let it go then try hypnotherapy. Don't ruin what you have over a silly mistake, cause that's all it was since you weren't even sober...

[Anne0987]

Yes do not tell her but talk to a counselor or a friend

[specialmom]

I completely agree with curfew.  Take it to your grave and spend the rest of the time trying to be the best man to her that you can be.  We make mistakes.  This was a big one.  Learn from it and don't hurt her with it.  good luck