Aa
I cant even look at my husband now.
Ok, lately for the past id say about 5 months we've not had sex that regularly, im only 20 years of age and my husband is 24. i keep asking him why he wont sleep with me cause i always seem to be the one going for it but he just rejects me, finally i got it out of him what it was, he said that i have let myself go and gotten fat so he finds it digusting to sleep with me and that when he does he has to just close his eyes and deal with it, heres the thing, im a size 10-12!!!! and im not fat in anyway whatsoever!! he really hurt me and i cried my eyes out and he had the check to say what was i crying for! he then said that if i wanted to have sex with him again i need to loose weight. then he said i need to tone up. im so upset with him and i cant even look at him. what makes me more annoyed is he doesn nothing around the house, i do all the cooking and cleaning and washing. then he told me yesterday that i wasnt a fun person to be around and that he doesnt like hanging out with me anymore and that if we ever have to be alone he always trys to get other people to be with us too cause he hates hanging with me. we have been married a year and 4 months and this has already happened.
i just really dont get it, he wont tell me why he said this stuff cause now hes claiming he didnt mean it. please someone tell me whats going on or is he fair to say that to me.
i just really dont get it, he wont tell me why he said this stuff cause now hes claiming he didnt mean it. please someone tell me whats going on or is he fair to say that to me.
Ya know what you need to do? You need to join a gym or get into walking, weights, swimming and tone up. It does not sound like you need to lose weight but you will anyways as a side benefit of the toning. Then when you get to looking hot, and the guys start looking? Look back and when he wants sex, tell him he does absolutely nothing for you. That he needs to do this and that to make himself desirable to you and see how he likes it. Oh that just makes me so mad! Honey, you marriage is in trouble. Cause you got someone not worth a pimple on your butt. How incredibly cruel!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Don't worry about best answer.
You just do what is best for you. I don't know what is going on with your husband but you stay strong. Find some things that make you happy outside the marriage. I'd consider marriage counseling as it may really help. You would possibly be able to get on the same page and improve communication. And if he is to refuse going to a couple's therapist, that would tell you something about his desire to improve this relationship. Then you go to the therapist alone and sort through how you feel. good luck
You just do what is best for you. I don't know what is going on with your husband but you stay strong. Find some things that make you happy outside the marriage. I'd consider marriage counseling as it may really help. You would possibly be able to get on the same page and improve communication. And if he is to refuse going to a couple's therapist, that would tell you something about his desire to improve this relationship. Then you go to the therapist alone and sort through how you feel. good luck
Smile, your going to be just fine be yourself, love yourself for who you are regardless of what he said and hold your own. Never permit anyone to treat you or speak to you less than you deserve. I wish you luck, hugs.
Thanks everyone for the comments, all you women have really helped and given me a confidence boost. i spoke to him last night and he apologised for what he said. he said he didnt mean it but i still think he does cause otherwise why would he say it cause he had no explanation as to why he said that. i told him that i accept his apology but that i dont forgive just yet and im still a bit cagey with him. you see im not too sure, he pinned me down last night cause he wanted to have sex so i dont know whether he just apologised so he could get some or what. im still confused though even though he doesnt think theres anything wrong. im supposed to give a best answer but its really hard cause everyones responses are great so im just gonna randomly pick one. thanks everyone xx
Ok, people, lighten up here! We are her to give constructive advice and support to the person who posted as in need of support NOT to find faults with everyone else comments or the post will be reported as abusive or just inappropriate!
Think about this ... do you want to be with him a few years down the road when he is calling you out in front of your children... Calling mommy fat and saying horrific things to her.
You should not only think about yourself here (which you should right now) but look at how this will potentially harm children you MIGHT have with this SOB. I find this to be the ultimate disrespect... hmm if my husband said that I would call him out in front of other people.." Like remember when you said I was soo fat.".. blah blah ... god I'd love to see his face then. Sure he would be sick on himself. Then I'd leave his sorry butt.
Im so so sorry that you are going through this and Im a size 10-12 jesus I dont think Im fat.. maybe not tone and very soft but NOT FAT or Chubby :(
Good luck sweetie.
You should not only think about yourself here (which you should right now) but look at how this will potentially harm children you MIGHT have with this SOB. I find this to be the ultimate disrespect... hmm if my husband said that I would call him out in front of other people.." Like remember when you said I was soo fat.".. blah blah ... god I'd love to see his face then. Sure he would be sick on himself. Then I'd leave his sorry butt.
Im so so sorry that you are going through this and Im a size 10-12 jesus I dont think Im fat.. maybe not tone and very soft but NOT FAT or Chubby :(
Good luck sweetie.
I have to also agree that my first thought was infidelity and keep your eyes open to his behavior and remember, it's not too early to get an annulment by your church. Any man who begin a new marriage with verbal abuse is either cheating or regrets getting married, so SPEAK UP anytime he make's hurtful comments and I also recommend that you find the right time to sit down and discuss how YOU feel, all the issues that need address, how to resolved the issues, concern about infidelity or just ask him if he wants out of this marriage, if he say's yes, you will need to contact where you married to have the marriage annul. I hope it doesn't get to that point, but anytime a man begin a marriage with any type of verbal abuse, it will be a matter of time that it can escalate to physical abuse, so proceed with caution.
I'm so sorry. That really hurts. I think that the ladies on here really had some great things to say already, so I won't reiterate it. But I will tell you that my initial thoughts upon reading your post was that he is cheating. It could totally be something else, but it was just my first impression. I really hope he cleans his act up or if not, he better be prepared to lose you. You DON'T AT ALL deserve that!
That was very insensitive of him to say.
He does not show much respect for you. If you want things to improve in your marriage you have to let him know that you are not taking this.
If he does not care about your feelings you should think about if that marriage is something you want to hold on to, after all you deserve to be happy, and if he already makes you so miserable after such a short time of marriage it will not get any better in the future, unless you put your foot down.
Good luck!!!
He does not show much respect for you. If you want things to improve in your marriage you have to let him know that you are not taking this.
If he does not care about your feelings you should think about if that marriage is something you want to hold on to, after all you deserve to be happy, and if he already makes you so miserable after such a short time of marriage it will not get any better in the future, unless you put your foot down.
Good luck!!!
if my husband had said that too me....he'd be on his behind because i would've punched him so hard. so kudos to you for keeping your cool.
the other ladies gave some great advice.
i would suggest marriage counseling but if he refuses ...i'd say get out of that marriage. you don't deserve to put up with mental abuse from anyone. it's not healthy and it's not fair.
the other ladies gave some great advice.
i would suggest marriage counseling but if he refuses ...i'd say get out of that marriage. you don't deserve to put up with mental abuse from anyone. it's not healthy and it's not fair.
(I had to compose myself before I started here.)
Judy gave you some very good advice. I am going to add that the problem is more than likely something to do with him, another woman, porn, etc. And he is doing what most people do instead of taking responsibility for their own lack in character. They deflect it to the other person. This is what it sounds like to me. A 10-12 is NOT big. And even if you were a size 20, that still is not how a man would speak to the woman he loves.
Let me ask you this, what does he look like? I bet it isn't Brad Pitt, or George Clooney, or one of my fav's Billy Ray Cyrus(well, I like him, ok? lol).
This is mental abuse, and if you don't do something about it now, it will continue to get worse. Realize that you can't make him change. That is what we woman like to do. Try to change them. And that just doesn't work. He needs to decide what he wants to do, and then you let him.
If he wants to continue in this type behavior, and you stay with him, you better gird up, because you see how damaging it is to your esteem. Just imagine this behavior going on for many years. It will really beat you down.
I feel bad for you, but you need to toughen up, stand up strong and proud, and do what you need to, to protect yourself. It will take strength, but you can do it. Come on, now!!
Keep us posted. We are pulling for you.
Judy gave you some very good advice. I am going to add that the problem is more than likely something to do with him, another woman, porn, etc. And he is doing what most people do instead of taking responsibility for their own lack in character. They deflect it to the other person. This is what it sounds like to me. A 10-12 is NOT big. And even if you were a size 20, that still is not how a man would speak to the woman he loves.
Let me ask you this, what does he look like? I bet it isn't Brad Pitt, or George Clooney, or one of my fav's Billy Ray Cyrus(well, I like him, ok? lol).
This is mental abuse, and if you don't do something about it now, it will continue to get worse. Realize that you can't make him change. That is what we woman like to do. Try to change them. And that just doesn't work. He needs to decide what he wants to do, and then you let him.
If he wants to continue in this type behavior, and you stay with him, you better gird up, because you see how damaging it is to your esteem. Just imagine this behavior going on for many years. It will really beat you down.
I feel bad for you, but you need to toughen up, stand up strong and proud, and do what you need to, to protect yourself. It will take strength, but you can do it. Come on, now!!
Keep us posted. We are pulling for you.
sorry, about the typos! I just think and type, so I meant, "not a very nice thing to say". also "height". Good luck and post a picture of yourself so we can see your beautiful face :)
Not a very nice thinking to say (insensitive) and I'm that same size and I look great! I'm also 5"4. You are still in the honeymoon stage of your marriage or shall I say, "The honeymoon is over" and the comments of fat, "discusting" are verbally abusive, which is mentally, emotionally harmful, has to close his eyes, asked what are you crying for (insensitive). I also believe that if someone is going to play judge with another person, they need to take a real good look at themselves first.
He states that you are no longer "fun", well, let him cook, clean, do laundry, groceries, etc.. and expect to come home to "fun" always.
His harmful verbal comments are not to be tolerated, so you make sure you stand up for yourself and let him know that you are not overweight, that you are in proper purportion to your hight and why did he make these kind of harmful comments BEFORE getting married.
Tell him you will not put up with verbal abuse in any form and that his comments, are hurtful, abusive, unecessary at putting the relationship and marriage at risk for dysfunction. To be honest, I see trouble ahead. These types of comments also come from a cheating spouse, or someone who regrets getting married. He probably realized that being married changes peoples life an he is still to young to feel tied down with one woman, but he should of thought of that before getting married. If you have gain weight after getting married, which can easily happen, then you simply sign up for a gym and have him pay for it. Start walking 1/2 hour every day, which burns over 145 calories or more. Watch you food intake and amounts, but if you are the same weight as before you got married, something is going on with him. He might have second thoughts about marriage, but make sure to tell him straight out that you will not permit him to mistreat you, especially verbally in anyway.
Options: Join a gym to get yourself toned at least only if you feel you should.
Possible infidelity (just maybe)....look into this deeper and he's outing pattern (does
he go out alot with his friends, come home late, weekend with friends. Be on guard
and aware if possible infidelity. It can a happen at any stage in a marriage.
Stand up for your self and do not permit him to abuse you in any way ever!
Marriage Counselor or it's not too early to get an annulment throught the church.
I wish you luck, and this is workable if you both come to some type of agreement and if need be, counseling. Good luck!
He states that you are no longer "fun", well, let him cook, clean, do laundry, groceries, etc.. and expect to come home to "fun" always.
His harmful verbal comments are not to be tolerated, so you make sure you stand up for yourself and let him know that you are not overweight, that you are in proper purportion to your hight and why did he make these kind of harmful comments BEFORE getting married.
Tell him you will not put up with verbal abuse in any form and that his comments, are hurtful, abusive, unecessary at putting the relationship and marriage at risk for dysfunction. To be honest, I see trouble ahead. These types of comments also come from a cheating spouse, or someone who regrets getting married. He probably realized that being married changes peoples life an he is still to young to feel tied down with one woman, but he should of thought of that before getting married. If you have gain weight after getting married, which can easily happen, then you simply sign up for a gym and have him pay for it. Start walking 1/2 hour every day, which burns over 145 calories or more. Watch you food intake and amounts, but if you are the same weight as before you got married, something is going on with him. He might have second thoughts about marriage, but make sure to tell him straight out that you will not permit him to mistreat you, especially verbally in anyway.
Options: Join a gym to get yourself toned at least only if you feel you should.
Possible infidelity (just maybe)....look into this deeper and he's outing pattern (does
he go out alot with his friends, come home late, weekend with friends. Be on guard
and aware if possible infidelity. It can a happen at any stage in a marriage.
Stand up for your self and do not permit him to abuse you in any way ever!
Marriage Counselor or it's not too early to get an annulment throught the church.
I wish you luck, and this is workable if you both come to some type of agreement and if need be, counseling. Good luck!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh Smile, I'm sorry. That must have hurt your feelings terribly. Here is what I am concerned with. It is fair to think that we take care of ourselves and stay healthy. But this early in the game to act as he is acting is a major red flag. Can I tell you that I do not look like the babe my husband married 10 years later and two kids to boot? That is what life does to us and when we marry, a spouse should understand that. They marry the total package and should love the inside very much. And the comments of not wanting to be with you--------- cruel. I think you will need to see where this leads. You got married very young and I wonder how well thought out this was. Would a counselor be an option to help you strengthen the relationship and communication?
I think taking care of ourselves is important, don't get me wrong. He could have offered up an exercise plan you do together and said lets work on this together, what do ya say? It might make us feel a little bad but he isn't putting us down. But every person wants to be loved unconditionally and now you've got conditions.
Make sure you are pursuing your own things. I hope you are in school and working. Stick with that. Please do not have children for a while until you can figure out where this relationship is heading. But become a strong independent woman that does not have to have a man in her life that puts her down. Then you can decide if you want a man that does or not. good luck
I think taking care of ourselves is important, don't get me wrong. He could have offered up an exercise plan you do together and said lets work on this together, what do ya say? It might make us feel a little bad but he isn't putting us down. But every person wants to be loved unconditionally and now you've got conditions.
Make sure you are pursuing your own things. I hope you are in school and working. Stick with that. Please do not have children for a while until you can figure out where this relationship is heading. But become a strong independent woman that does not have to have a man in her life that puts her down. Then you can decide if you want a man that does or not. good luck
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That is NOT a way for a husband to speak to his wife (or vice versa, if that were the case). People get married because they love and cherish each other, no matter what; because they want to spend each day of their life with their best friend and build their lives together; because they respect and admire each other for who they are as a person.
I don't want to make assumptions, but it sounds like he married you only based on lust. It seems that, after such a short time in marriage, he was expecting a Playboy Bunny or something, and reality has hit him (or maybe not) that a wife is NOT a sex object, and the "supermodel body" is not normal, nor is it even average or healthy. Sounds like he was expecting too much from lust, and not really focused on true love.
Don't let comments like his keep you down. If you think you are out of shape or overweight, you have the control to do something about it if you wish, but you should feel compelled to do it for yourself, not for some condescending, egotistical jerk who says he finds your appearance "disgusting."
And as for being a fun person? Well, if he doesn't find your company so great anymore, find people who do appreciate you, and hang out with them whenever you get a chance--husband NOT included. See how long it takes before he realizes he might miss your company and wants to join you again. Then I'd say, "Only if we can include MY friends, because I don't want to be alone with someone who never appreciated me." See how he likes that.
Ugh, I can't believe a so-called husband would be so rude and condescending to his wife. I just recently got married last September, and in that time frame, I've had a baby, so my husband has seen me looking like a stuffed turkey and all moody and hormonal--and I was put on bed rest to boot. Now we have an almost three month old, and I'm left with the post preggo body with sagging skin and stretch marks. Yet my husband tells me every day how beautiful I am and treats me like a queen, and would drop everything he's doing to spend extra time with me. THAT'S what love in a marriage should be like. I wish your husband would get his head out of his rear end and figure that out, because I'm sure he's got himself a wonderful, beautiful wife.
If I were you, I'd seriously consider if you want to stay in the marriage, because what he's doing now is emotional and verbal abuse. Maybe counseling would help the marriage, but if neither of you seek any marital help, you with either be misearable in your marriage because he will not change and get worse, or you should consider divorcing him. You deserved to be treated with respect and honor by the man who is your husband.