I can't sleep next to my boyfriend . Is this a big problem ?

[Kiki25a]

I am in a relationship with my boyfriend for 6 months now . At the start we had lot of fun and saw each other 3,4 times per week ,but now I am under so much pressure and I have to study so freaking much for my exams and I don't feel the need to see him or my other friends as I used to . I also feel sometimes nervous around him ,he is not so confident and I feel his nervous and not at ease just being with him and I started to swallow my spit which I sometimes do with other people too but especially when I am with him . I do have generalised anxiety ,but I wonder why can't I be relaxed with him ,is it my fault or is he somewhat contributing to it since he is not that confident or we both just have nervous personalities ? I try to Joke and have fun and we do ,but we have these nervous problems and I don't know how to adress it . Also I can't fall asleep next to him . I move to cauch to get some sleep Because I can hear his heavy fast breathing Because he can't relax next to me . I don't Like sleeping to other people . I can't imagine ever sleeping to someone in a bed and enjojing it ,I also don't feel the need for cuddling that much and he does Like to cuddle more then me . Idk how to solve this issues . I am not currently going to therapy Because I have so very little time Thanks to my hard college (medicine ) . I feel so stupid Because I have these nervous problems and I feel he does too ,it is Like a bad magical circle where we do love each other but we make each other nervous . I think he makes me nervous Because I feel his low self esteem and I am an empath and I soak up other people emotions Like a sponge and being with him kinda drains me . Idk what to do I love him and I don't want to leave him but I want this to be better. We Are both 25 ,he lives with his parents and I have my own place .  

[specialmom]

First, I commend you for working so hard in college!  That's the way it should be at this time of life.  Have fun when you can but sometimes friends and boyfriends have to wait.  That's called priorities and am glad you are a girl that has them straight!  I'm sorry you are a nervous person and have generalized anxiety.  You are NOT alone though.  Very common.  It would be helpful to work with a therapist at some point just to get some good coping strategies so you can be more peaceful and turn that brain noise off (the anxious voice) inside of you.  Do you take medication?  That sometimes helps too. But when stressed about things like school and even about being nervous with a boyfriend who is also acting nervous . . . the anxiousness is going to get even worse.  deep breathing really helps, meditation, things like yoga and regular exercise.  Now, sleeping with someone?  That's always been hard for me at first.  It's hard to just fully relax like that in a relationship where it's not every night you sleep with.  OMG, I used to worry if I snorted in my sleep, drooled, or woke up with a huge zit on my cheek facing the boyfriend!  I'm an old married lady now so that is WAY over.  Now I just want my ZZZZ's.  And if you are a light sleeper, it's also hard.  I am this too.  Every strange sound or movement or place sets me up for not sleeping well.  Hotels, camping, etc.  I like my own 'stuff', my own level of dark in the room, my own white noise, my own comfy covers.  And the breathing of someone else you aren't used to can keep you up.  When dating, I had a friend tell me this . . .   it did help (a little).  The guy falls asleep.  You hear them breath.  You then try to match your breathing to theirs.  Same count.  You get into the same breathing rhythm and you hear them less.  Or tell them you need a fan to sleep and get a fan in there.  That always helps with blocking noise that keeps you up.  When I first got married, I realized my husband had a leg thing.  In the middle of the night, he would try to plunk that leg on top of me.  This is not romantic but that leg was hot, sweaty and felt like a tree trunk.  At first I'd try to deal with the leg.  then I finally learned to put my hand up so the leg didn't go over me.  No more dead, hot, sweaty tree trunk leg keeping me up (marital bliss).  

Anyway, that's my way of saying that it is not unusual to have to adjust to sleeping with someone and during a stressful time like college when you need sleep, maybe make it just a weekend thing when you have no classes the next day and practice the breathing and try the white noise.  Hope it works out.  good luck

[Kiki25a]

Thank you for your answer ! I am not using meds now and I kind of don't want to Because I wish to work things out myself . I might take a chill pill before my next big exam that is coming up tho . I would Like to try to sincronise my breathing to his when we sleep ,but he starts to breathe so heavily and I feel it and I know amd I think we both know but we just ignore it that he is nervous and that I make him nervous kinda off and that is the problem I can't make myself to Talk about it with him . In the morning after he just asked me is this a problem that you can't sleep next to me and I told him that it is not and I will just move to cauch If I need to sleep and that I don't care . I can't just tell him look ,what is wrong with you why Are you so freaking nervous ,why can't you calm down and just sleep and relax ?! It will just make things worse I think we just need to both ignore it and hope it will pass . This is kinda funny . Idk how to solve it he is confident in some aspects of his life but with me his girlfriend he is kinda not ,and I feel that he lacks the Manly self easteem . He started going to the gym ,I did too ,maybe that wil help both of us in the long run . I think that he is young and he doesn't have a job yet and lives with his parents and that je is also under stress Because he doesn't have it all figured out and I will have to understand him . Je finished college but can't find a job which he wants in his field yet but he is working on it . I do hope his self easteem grows and we stop being so nervous ... I hope I made some sense with all of this . Also I can't imagine ever sleeping next to someone peacefully but who knows maybe one day when my life situation change and maybe I will change too and all od this will sort it self out if things fall into place . Being young and not knowing what will be is stressful . I can't Wait to finish college and get a job already . I think that might solve a lot if my insecurities and anxiety . Thanks for reading if you did .