I hate my MIL so much I hate my kids being around her

[NAZKH]

My MIL is main reason for tumultuous marriage. She's created a lot of problems between my husband and I. She is for a different culture so being accepted and welcomed has never happened. There has been so much hurt and pain caused that it's become toxic. My MIL is a widow and a mama's boy - his mother comes to visit for about a month every 6 months from overseas. I think it's easier to forgive someone for what they've done if you don't see them again or have minimal interaction but my husband refuses to barr his mom from visiting. Now it's gotten to a point where I hate my kids interacting with her at all. What can I do to help myself from feeling this way other than getting a divorce.

[RockRose]

I went through your profile,  NAZKH,  and you've been struggling with this for a couple years.

You know the serenity prayer?   God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,  the courage to change the things I can,  and the wisdom to know the difference.

So.  The ball is in your court.  You can't change your husband's devotion to his mother.  You CAN leave him if you want,  or you can choose to accept his mother's presence.  

You don't give specifics on her behavior,  but I think we all get "cold and rude".  I can picture that.  But your husband has been raised by this woman.  Have you heard the quote "A sign of a great mother is how easy it is for her adult children to say no to her".  It's true.  Great mothers have adult kids who can say no thanks,  mom,  and all is well.  Adult kids of horrible mothers don't feel free to do that.  That's where your husband is.  He's not emotionally free to set boundaries,  and he never ever will be.  I think you need to rest on that truth - he never ever will be able to take your side against his mother.  But you chose this guy - out of all the men in the world,  you picked this one to marry and have kids with,  so he must have some redeeming qualities outside of an overbearing mother.

I think if I were you I'd try to redirect my thinking.  Imagine you've inherited this wonderful home you have,   on the condition that his horrible crabby old lady you don't know is allowed to come and stay a couple months a year.  And then go on and be as cheerful as you would be in that situation,  and endure the crabby old lady as a condition of your otherwise wonderful home and family.

Best wishes.  Attitude is everything.

[NAZKH]

RockRose you hit the nail on the head. It's like you read into my life. Yes in summary she is very cold and rude and my husband has been raised in a culture where they believe that heaven lies at the feet of a mother. He cannot set boundaries and is afraid to say No to his mother. Thank you for your message, it's everything that I needed at a time when I was really struggling. Thank You Thank You. May Lord shower you with blessings always and shower you with much love and happiness.

[Life360_Dave]

I must say that MIL,s are infamous for creating problems and most sons are Ma mas boy and i will also say that those marriages that survive these things are those where acceptance is involved. As hard as it is just accept this for the love of you husband and children and start off by being thankful she not living you year round. All things pass and one never really knows what tomm will bring.
Forgive her and also forgive yourself for giving in to all this hate and dissregard that you have built up over the years against her.

[NAZKH]

Life360_dave, she's cause me so much pain and so hurt in the past 15 years that we've married. Prejudiced remarks only cut the surface. It got to a point where I can't even stand to see her and having her in my house is painful - I feel disrespected by my husband. How do you forgive a person when they continue to disrespect you and how to do you forgive when you have to see this person day in and day out? I know forgivesness will give me the peace I am looking for in my soul but how do you forgive when the person who hurt you doesn't even feel any remorse for what they had done or keeps playing wounded warrior?

[Life360_Dave]

I believe in your heard you know why shes acting this way but your not satisfied only in knowing. The power is in knowledge cause knowledge brings understanding. She being this way for a reason and it may simply be that she knows its getting to you. Maybe she dosnot like you and thats ok cause you like your self. Just percieve her as some silly odd creature whos blaming you for losing her son.
Please just let this go as its waisted time and taking away from some very constructive things and goals you could be acquiring.
Maybe look as this as a test to push you to reinventing yourself.

[Kayannaboo]

This is truly a difficult situation, when the battle lines between mother and wife have been drawn and the husband stands uncomfortably in the middle expected to pick a team. I am one of those persons who sincerely believe that irrespective of raised who, when people become of age they get on with their own lives and do not allow their parents to dictate their lives any longer. I believe that people are raised to be adults who choose their happiness and their own lifestyle that are not attached to that of their parents but then again, my upbringing was a bit unorthodox.

However, nothing is simple and though there are things that people SHOULD do, what they can and are able to do is usually miles away from each other. The way I see it, you have two choices; you either leave your marriage or you leave your emotions about your mother in law. Simple. Honestly, I wouldn't allow her to make me pack up and leave. The true test of humanity sometimes is to learn to break away from things that get under our skin, even when the culprit is right under our roof. Honey, she really is not important and the more you realize that you are in charge, is the less you will feel the need to rip your hair out when she comes. She knows she is able to get you and that is why she continues with her "cold" and "rude" behaviour. The only power she has over you is her "once in every six months comments, remarks and gestures'. The moment she sees you are unphased, running things how YOU want, raising your children how YOU want and keeping your household how YOU see fit, despite her attitude, she will simply be the annoying flicker in the background that pops up once every 6 mths until she is silenced by your "don't care" attitude.

Don't expect your husband to take your side. It is not necessary and you will be very disappointed. You are the queen of the castle and that is a fact you live everyday without your husband and MIL's confirmation.

Good Luck :-)

Anna

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Sorry for this difficulty in your life.  It's hard for me to comment on because I can see this from both points of view.  As a daughter in law and as a mother to sons.  I've raised my boys all these years and hope to be a part of their adult lives.  And it is a cliché --  the mother in law, daughter in law problems.  I've found, to be honest, that often both are to blame.  I plan on being kind and loving to my daughter in law whether I like her or not.  :>)  

I had a hard time with my mother in law.  she was a difficult lady.  On the plus side, you only see yours for two full months out of the year which sounds like a lot to you but imagine if she lived around the corner!  I saw mine a lot.  Much more than what would equate to two months out of the year.  But my husband loved her and she gave me him . ..  so I dealt with it.  

If your marriage is otherwise good, then I would try to just be really busy for the month that she is there.  Also, have a really good book to read that you can escape to when she is annoying you in your home.  Just vacate the premises emotionally.  And the month will be over soon enough.  My guess is that her visit is happening soon.  Because I know when something is about to drop on my doorstep such as "hey, all 55 of my family members are coming over to our house for dinner on Saturday night, what are you making?" (husband saying to me)---  I start off irritated but the closer it gets to Saturday when his family will arrive, the more and more angry and resentful I get.  I'm just using this as an example.  My husband is too smart to have all of his humongous family over on a random Saturday night.  LOL  But I do have to do this for big occasions----  that's why I own 7 crock pots to serve his massive set of loved ones a meal.  
sorry, that was a tangent.  But we all have things we deal with, so if this is your marital issue, and this is the main one, I'd try not to let it ruin your relationship.  good luck

[Nighthawk61]

Sounds like you would benefit from talking this out with your own personal therapist. As far as when your MIL is at your house, I agree, keep your interactions at a minimum. Keep yourself busy in your own room with hobbies, Have movie night in your room with your kids. Your MIL will not be around forever. Soon she will be gone for good honey.

[NAZKH]

Thank you Anna. I think the biggest thing I am struggling with is not getting any validation from my husband. How can he just sit and watch the rude and disrespectful behavior from his mother towards his wife - the silence from the husband stings even more. I think if I got a "This is a difficult time - but I love you and just try and bear with it" I would be ok and could cope better. It's hard very hard and she left with bitter feelings - She made it clear that I was beneath her.

[Kayannaboo]

No one can place you beneath them my dear. The only way we are beneath someone is if we willingly decide to take residence there. I think you are a little intimidated by her and so it becomes easy for her to "put you down". She does not have this right and she can only take this right if you give it to her and this goes for human beings in general. If you lay yourself down on the floor in the space of a door mat, people will walk on you. It is up to you decide that mother in law or not, you are beneath no one.

[Kayannaboo]

In general, men do not like to get involved in disputes especially one as sensitive as this. I do not believe your husband is deliberately trying to hurt you, he is just having a rough time as he feels he has to choose and when the choice is mother or wife, it gets rocky. Also, males tend to have a special love for their mothers, as females usually have a special love for their fathers. It is hard for him.

[NAZKH]

Thanks so much. I really appreciate the kind words. It's hard but support from this group helps.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your response. I have 2 young daughters so I don't understand the dynamics between a mother and son. But I do know that more than anything it comes down to love and how you are treated. I think you will make a wonderful MIL because you understand that if you have want good relations with your grand children and son then your DIL has to be respected and shown some love. At the end of the day all I want is peace in my heart and a husband that can show some validation and love. Life is short and these hardships make it very difficult to find peace and serenity.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for your support Nighthawk61. My MIL is only 66 but loves playing wounded warrior - I think she will be around a longggg time so it makes it hard to tolerate the situation. Thanks for your support and understanding. May we all be blessed with peace and love in our lives.

[Nighthawk61]

He chose you to be his wife he doesn't think you are beneath her  or he wouldn't have married you,

Learn to compartmentalize. Separate you from the problem. Get your head out of that game. Your MIL is projecting, she feels inadequate to you. You have taken her boy away from her to another country away and she probably resents you for it. Could that be a possibility ? How did you and he get together and make the decision to live away from his mother ?

[Nighthawk61]

Does your family live near you ?

[NAZKH]

Nighthawk, I have no family in the USA.

My husband and I met at the company we both worked for through common friends.  We were in different department and introduced by colleagues. That was 16 years ago. He's from the Middle East and I am from Kenya. My parents still live in Kenya. We are from 2 different cultures. He's been in the USA since he was 17 as he came as a student and went to boarding school here on a scholarship. He stayed on and found a job after graduating college. My MIL is a window. My husband's father died when he was 16 and was in boarding school here.

Similarly I came to the USA to study on an academic scholarship, got an internship and met my future husband and stayed on. I was young - 23 years - you are fascinated by a different culture have an idealistic view of the world - your view your marriage as a union in combating cultural and racial stereotypes but it ended up I feel being quite the opposite. A lot of pain, prejudice and hurt. A lot of hurt. In many ways if I knew what I knew now, I would never have married my husband. I do have 2 incredibly beautiful and smart young daughters - they are 7 and 4 now. Life comes with many challenges but when you tackle those challenges with love and support then you feel then the journey may be hard but easier to get through. My husband provides no validation and no support when it comes to his mother. Tried 2 marriage therapists, emails, talking through this all with him and he just can't provide it. I think if I heard "yes, this is a very difficult time, have patience and I am sorry that my mother treats you like this" then it would be easier to hold on. But now I feel I can't do this anymore. It's emotionally taking a toll on my soul and don't have the peace I am looking for. Lots of questions for myself on what I will do and how I feel and contemplating what to do. Divorce comes to mind but then I wonder What life would I provide for my daughters as a single mother. We live in a beautiful house and thankfully have a good life.

[Nighthawk61]

I understand... how would i feel if i felt my husband did not validate my feelings? probably like i was in the wrong marriage. Did the therapy try to get him to be more supportive? i mean you must have talked in depth about the problems that you feel are happening with your MIL, and did he not agree and refuse to go to any more therapy?

[NAZKH]

One of the things we talked in therapy was that my husband had to show love for me in front of his mother like put his arm around me and show affection - he was not able to do this. I don't quite recall the reason why but in my opinion I think it's because he knows his mother does not like me and it would be hurting her. It's very hard for people to accept an outsider let alone from a different culture. We left couples therapy with 2 things - he go see an individual male therapist and I seek treatment for depression. He went for 2 sessions of therapy and stopped - his reason was that he was travelling for work more often and was unable to continue.

I think after 16 years of marriage - it's getting too much more. Maybe my tolerance is wanning, maybe it's that she's getting older and is getting needier and wants more attention and therefore nastier. All around it's hard - things are fine when she's not here but when she is, it's like I don't even recognize the person my husband is.

[NAZKH]

Thank you Kayannaboo.  I have a mom too and am a mother so I understand the bond between mother and child.  But how can one expect to love their son but hate their DIL? She's only hurting her own son and how can she expect a good relationship with her grand children when she hates her DIL.  How can a religious person behave the way that she does. My MIL is educated (has a BSc) degree and is only 66 and  so she does know better - I can't blame it on ignorance. I don't understand how one's hatred can increase as you get older. One's love is supposed to increase and you're supposed to be more kind, tolerant and wiser - yet the only thing she seems to focus on is how wrong everyone is and how right she is.
If she said something like "Let's try and put differences aside for the love of my son and your husband and children and lets work together" I would be ok. But this woman didn't even congratulate me when my daughter was born, ignores me on the table and that I am invisible, didn't talk to me when my parents came to visit and when she just left - made it clear that she contempt and malice for me. I've done nothing to her. For 8 years I tried so hard to please her and nothing at all would - she had issues with everything and then I stopped when she made it clear that I did not exist in the room. That was invisible - my presence stopped being acknowledged and that continues to be the case now.

[Kayannaboo]

Your duties as a daughter-in-law are simple: love yourself, love your children, love your husband. You have no obligation to this woman. The biggest BIGGEST challenge you face right now, is to get into a zone where it is all about your family and yourself, not some mother-in-law. Everyone wants to be liked and there is a special desire to be liked by your partner's family. It is the age old yearning of a person, both males and females. However, there is a line drawn, a well-defined line actually; never EVER try to please any member of a person's family. The truth is-- they are not YOUR family. Their loyalties will always lie with your partner in the same way that YOUR family's loyalties will forever lie with you. You did not have to do a thing for this woman to not like you. Some mothers find it extremely difficult to let go of their sons and despise the person who "took them away." Therefore, you cannot please them because the issue is not you, it is THEM. They feel protective of their sons and feel no other female can love them the way they do. They are not all like this but unfortunately your MIL is.

[Nighthawk61]

I have a son, and i understand that a good mother would want to include the woman as a daughter, and treat her with the same love that she treats her son. A good mother would go out of her way to spread happiness , especially if my contact with my daughter in law was as her long staying guest in her home.

But were not taking about a good mother, are we? You're still not understanding that the issues that your MIL is having with you is actually hurting your husband. Especially if when his mother is not there, you and he get along.

There's only one answer to this dilemma, and that is to step up. Do not talk to your MIL to make your MIL feel better. Talk to your MIL civilly so that your children can say "My grandmother made it so hard for my mother to be civil to her, we saw her time and time again, being cold and rude to my mom, but through it all, my mother was the bigger women. She ignored the rude remarks, and always managed to not be rude to her, so that we could live in a home where we were at least able to see one women acting like a proper and decent women. " do you see where i'm going?

Make your priority to teach your children well. Make their happiness a priority. That's what a good mother does. Why are you acting like she does and letting her change what type of person she is. The fact is that your husband was raised by a selfish women , and maybe because he is a spiritual man, he still wants to do right by his mother. He still wants to turn the other cheek, and be supportive of his mother, even though she is an embarrassment to him. He can't allow himself to say that outloud, but let's face it, she's acting in a way that MUST be an embarrassment to him, especially in front of your folks. Did you say that she acts this way to you in front of your parents?

Also, why are you expecting the children to have a good relationship with their grandmother. Their grandmother is not capable of being a good grandmother to them.  Even if she plays "good grama" to the kids, the fact is that the kids see that she is a witch with you, and they will make their own judgments and know for themselves without you complaining about it , that their grandmother simply, is not a good women. A good women would not act this way, right? Your kids aren't stupid.

I'm closer to 66 than to your age.. I can tell you that it's hard to look in the mirror and see an aging women. A women that is not nearly as beautiful as she once was. This may have something to do with why she's so miserable. On the other hand, you are young and beautiful. If you really really want to get under her skin, and still be a valuable asset to your children, when you're MIL is around, there's a saying "SMILE AND WAVE"

That doesn't mean that you don't go into your room and separate yourself, but it means that it's not healthy for your kids to see that this women has run you out of your own home, and you must resort to hiding in your room . Take some time everyday to spend with your family as usual and take some time for you and the kids in your room with a movie, (where she is obviously not invited" and spend some time for yourself, to be good to yourself with a computer screen and a movie in a bubble bath (this is my go to to recharge) . Smile and laugh with your kids, Include your husband. Let her know that nothing she does is going is ruin your life, or your family life. She's just not worth it. And i know she's trying to portray someone that is better than you, or that you are beneath her, but i'm sorry that is just so much @#$%^!!! and if you buy into that for one second, what are you teaching your children??

I wouldn't let my MIL run me out of my good home, with a husband i otherwise get along with, and children that need their home to stay in tact and happy. NO WAY would l let her win if there was a battle of the minds going on. And the reason is simple. I would have accepted that this is not a good woman, not a good mother. Never mind crying about her not being a good MIL, she's a vile human being, that has no redeeming qualities that i can see. I think it's vile that she's not being supportive of her son's wife. I am the mother of a son and it's been very important for me to treat his first girlfriend in high school like a daughter, his first girlfriend, the first girl he lived with , and now what i call his "wife" (common law), I know that my son loves me so much more and is so much closer to me should i have not acted this way. Your husband is missing so much, having a mother like he does. He had to grow up with that cold women. Don't play into her hands and let her project her vile behavior onto you and cause strife in your otherwise acceptable marriage.

Have you said this to her ? "Let's try and put differences aside for the love of my husband, and my children, and try to be civil. I know from the way that you ignore me, that you don't like me, but maybe we can just try to be civil for the good of the family?"

[Nighthawk61]

I don't think the biggest part of the problem is that your MIL is a cold stone biatch but rather that you are acting in a passive aggressive manner, because you actually wasted YOUR time on a soulless viper that was incapable of being pleasant, for 8 LONG YEARS. That is not her fault, that was your fault. You should have given up on her long long ago, and put her in her place. She is like a mentally ill family member that refuses meds and is in a constant stage of negativity. This was not your battle. It was not your job to change the  very fiber and being of this women. You were not her mother, or her son. You are the mother of your kids, and your only priority all this time, should have been to teach them how NOT TO LET IMBECILES UNDER THEIR SKIN.

Can't you do this now ? Are you actually seriously going to let her win? and run you off ? and ruin the plan for your family, that works when she's not there.

And before you say again that you're upset that your husband doesn't stick up for her, he was created by this women, and has accepted long ago that she's NOT PERFECT. Believe me he knows. He's just trying to make the best of a bad situation. He was not graced with a loving gracious women as his mother. I wonder how she got under his skin growing up. For some reason, he hasn't felt able to share that with you. It's obvious that he's not happy about her being so rude and cold. He has been controlled by her, because he is her son. What's your excuse? You're not bound by blood?

[Nighthawk61]

Don't play her game. Make your own rules. If after you've tried to let her know that you are open to becoming more civil in the home for the sake of the children and she refuses, Let it go. Be done with it. That doesn't mean that you play her game and ignore a guest in your home. Show your husband and your kids that you are a much bigger women, That you are making the rules. And the rules for any good mother in the home, is to project calm solid inclusion. Call her "mother". "Mother, would you like some more chicken" with a sweet smile on your face. "Mother, i'm making tea, Would you like some?" No answer. Smile, and walk away. Show her up. Make her show others that she's being unreasonable . All your kids see right now, as it stands is A) my mother doesn't know how to deal with unreasonable people; maybe B) my mother is allowing her feud with my grandmother to affect their marriage; C) my mother is ineffective at protecting us from a guest's bad behavior. Kill this witch with kindness. Let her dig her own grave by being rude to you everytime you try to include her. Treat her like a child. "Mother, would you like some tea?" You get ignored silence. Look her directly in the eye, and say"No, arent 'you feeling well? Can I get you anything (and use this very sparingly "Do you want to go lie down" In other words, f off. I'm not going to my room, you go to yours for a change. You get what i'm saying here. Play your own game.

She is not a highly intelligent women, You should be able to get a plan together to put her in her place, if she's as bad as you're making her out to be.

My advice to you, is stop the insanity. Stop crying the blues and blaming your husband for not fighting your battles You gotta work smart, not harder.

[Nighthawk61]

There are also variations to this game plan.

While you do this a few times, in the presence of your kids and your husband,

Treat her like a child. "Mother, would you like some tea?" You get ignored silence. Look her directly in the eye, and say"No, arent 'you feeling well?..etc.

You then change it up. Say "Mother, would you like some tea? You get ignored silence, Look your daughter in the eye and say "Oh that's okay Mother, are you not feeling well?" Let your daughter and son and husband know that you are not afraid, you are doing your level best to be a good mother and wife. and let the chips fall where they will.

What i don't get , is even if this women is in your house, is she always right beside you? it sounds like you can't or don't get away. I've got renters in the top of my house and i manage to stay away from them. This women is not blood related to you, Can you not just do your job as a stay at home mother, and walk away? without insisting that your husband disown the mother that bore him? I think you're asking too much and that it isn't necessary. Yes, it would be nice if he put his arm around you,but he was raised with a cold rude women , what do you expect? Does he do so when she's not around, or is he a bit cold himself to those types of actions. After all a son that never saw a mother and her husband pass hugs and gestures, may not know how , and may not want to if he's made to feel he has to get rid of his mother to make you happy or make you stay.

[Nighthawk61]

Anyways, i've given you my best advice for this matter. that i can.
If one door closes (therapy) another opens (the advice you've gotten here). If you cant' use any of it, and don't want to give it a chance, then by all means, dump your marriage and then you have the experience to say that from your experience mixed marriages don't work. Your choice.

[Nighthawk61]

ife360_dave, she's cause me so much pain and so hurt in the past 15 years that we've married.
So you've tried for 8 years, and have been like this for 7 ? The last 7 years of your kids lives you've allowed this hatred to flourish?
Isn't it time for a change?
Can't you give peace a chance.?

[Nighthawk61]

How can a religious person behave the way that she does. My MIL is educated (has a BSc) degree and is only 66 and  so she does know better - I can't blame it on ignorance.

Seriously, with all the people dying in the streets in the name of religion, and you can't blame it on ignorance.??

It is plain and simply IGNORANCE. now you need to learn to deal effectively with ignorance, or you will be the one ultimately responsibly for the problems that keep your kids from peace and serenity. Not their lame obviously ignorant granny lady.

[NAZKH]

Thank you for giving me all this support and taking the time to give me your much needed advice. Maybe it's my personality and the unrealistic expectations I have. I generally have low self esteem and coupled with cultural expectations and the way I was brought up , it's been emotionally very exhausting. I was taught to always respect your elders and always be the better person and I think I tried really really hard but got no validation. And when I did get some validation from my family when they saw how she treated me, then I didn't put enough effort and then it was self preservation. It's a lot of malice and disregard for me and I think that is what really gets me. How someone can come to your house and disrespect you and everyone just sits and watches. And it's hard for me to see my kids be around a person who has caused me so much pain.

Yes it's time to change but how do I change my heart. How do I remove all this hate for her? I do work fulltime from home and do  spend a lot of time  and do keep very busy with kids activities in the evenings but the time that I am around her or my kids see her i.e. breakfast/dinner are hard. How do you build thicker skin - how do you insulate yourself and give peace to your soul? How do you forgive when there is no remorse?