depression over my daughters breakup

[Hackney]

I think I'm going mad I'm so upset over my 17 year old daughter and 19 year old boyfriend splitting up after 7 months it's ridiculous.  She met him and within a week they were going out despite my friends warnings that he was no good. He said it isn't fair when people judge somebody from their school years which is true but a lot of people were saying it.  Anyway he treated her amazing he had smoked weed from an early age but seemed to have given up smoking it as much as my daughter hated it.  Anyway he used to always want to spend time with her everyday and this was going really well they seemed really happy he was always texting me and saying she was the one etc etc and asking if I k we if she felt the same which I believe she did.  However then she started dance college and it was very demanding and she still saw him every night but she seemed exhausted and depressed she said it was because she was doing a lot at college and everyone was feeling the pain and stress and while she was like this her boyfriend would text me saying that she hadn't text him back or he thought she was with someone else etc etc on the odd occasions. When they were apart would ask me if she was on her phone I worried about his insecurity but knew he really seemed to love her but a bit too much and I thing she was the same but she was struggling to keep up as dancing is her life . So in the end she spkitnup with him saying she felt smothered and couldn't deal with it all.  He was devastated and away at college that day I kept in touch with him as much as possible as he was like a sin to me and I felt as devastated as him.  Well it is 3 months now since they split up and although I know he has seen other girls he still says he wants my daughter back and he still loves her. My daughter is just filling her life with her friends dancing and work she missed seeing her friends and seems ok but I believe she still loves him. But I believe she couldn't keep up and the relationship got very hard as she couldn't text back right away at college and he would get uoset. I truly believe that hey were perfect together and in gutted and can't seem to get over it I miss having him around. And seeing them both together am I going mad and will I get over it?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm sorry that you're having a hard time with your daughter's choices. I think it's a good thing that your daughter broke up for feeling smothered, and knows her priorities. This guy does sound very needy and may have addictions issues, and i don't think that is attractive to her. I think it's a good choice that your girl made, and i think you need to support that choice. One way of doing that is to not get involved in her personal life in unless she asks you to. She's learning to be independent and she sounds like she's got a good head on her shoulders.  She doesn't want a man that calls her mother when she doesn't text back, who would? Her choice is  a good one and very understandable. It would help if you saw all this from her perspective.

That being said, it sounds like you are a bleeding heart, and I think you would truly be a blessing to join an organization that helps homeless singles and families.(attending homeless shelters and helping with the food and lodging needs). I'm sure there's plenty of opportunity to talk to these folks that need your support, maybe play a game of cards, help someone with a clothing need, or maybe be a driver to help collect used goods, There's so much to do for those in need.  The love you feel in your heart for this young man, could be put to good use by being present in people's lives that need to feel that kind of love. Not that this boy doesn't need that,  he just doesn't need to stay stuck with your daughter who is not interested in him (and shouldn't feel like she would make anyone happy if she were, other than herself). She HAS to think about putting herself first and finding her way knowing she has your full support.

As for the ex boyfriend, i think you should tell him that he needs to talk to a therapist and that it's not healthy for you to act as a go between for him and your daughter. I think that by you staying involved with this young man, you are essentially helping him to stay stuck to a situation that he needs to move on from. I don't think that you will be able to help him effectively, but i think that you can direct him to a therapist that can. So you can still effectively help him by separating from him and letting others take up the slack.

[specialmom]

You know, as a parent of a teenager, I do find it kind of sort of odd that you as the mother really want your 17 year old to have a boyfriend this bad.  AND one who was a heavy pot smoker with some issues.  That he is hanging on like that and 'showing up' is a bit stalker ish and concerning.  Immaturity can cause this as can emotional problems but as her mom, make sure to NOT encourage him in ANY way.
Is there a dad in the picture?  The reason I ask is that you seem to be longing for a man to be around.  He fits the bill with being male.  because otherwise, this doesn't sound like a good situation for anyone other than he is a male that is in your house from time to time.  Try not to project onto your daughter if this is the case.  Encourage her to focus on school and her girlfriends.  My hope is that my sons don't get involved with all of the dating distractions until they are done with college.  lol.  I know, good luck with that. But I definitely know they would be better off if that were the case.  

good luck

[AnnieBrooke]

Yes, I am sure you will. No matter how hooked you got on this young couple and their issues, these are their lives, and their lookout, and they will find their own feet. It is not you, it's not your relationship it is not your life. You focus on you.

You will help yourself a lot if you find something more fun and fulfilling to do. Try volunteer work in an area you really care about, or asking for some more interesting but random responsibility at work (not necessarily something you get paid for, just something new that you like).  Go to some new places. Try some new foods. Take a weekend in a different locale. Walk on the beach. Climb in the mountains.

Your daughter is still going to go through a lot of changes as she grows, and so is her ex boyfriend, they are both terrifically young. That will happen as part of their natural development. It's totally not surprising that they are in and then out of each other's lives. They sound like they are not surprised by the shift away from each other either, and have adjusted. You need to do the same. If you can't, see a counselor for help.

[Hackney]

Thank you since this post her ex constantly keeps showing up in places she is he can't seem to let her go and hangs on trying to text her all of the time he said he would take her back in a heartbeat and can't be with anyone else I have not said too much as I need like you said to focus on something else

[AnnieBrooke]

Yes, you are right that you need to refocus on your own life. Trust that they are autonomous people (young as they are) and will find their feet. And you find yours! Try for something much more fun.