I need to vent!!!

[wildflower77]

I am in the midst of a trial separation from my husband and he is driving me crazy!    We're living in the same house but sleeping in separate beds because A) he has no where to go and B) I won't leave for fear he will try to take the house and the kids from me.  The separation was my idea because of ten years of verbal abuse from him.  He has recently become a better person (miraculously) but it's too much.  He's smothering me.  He is also very depressed and cries all the time, in front of the kids even (this has become less since he is seeking counseling).  It seems like as soon as there is a glimmer of hope that we might get back together, he suddenly (again, miraculously) snaps out of his depression and all is well again.  Everyone's happy and the sun comes out and little cartoon bears bounce around and sing.

Over the weekend we spent some time with the kids together and I got to thinking that maybe there was a chance for us.  I made a mistake and sent him some mixed signals.  There was alcohol involved and as soon as I woke up the next day it hit me that I had made a HUGE mistake.  I was miserable but he was happy as a lark thinking things were back to normal.  I talked to my counselor and she suggested I be honest with him about it.  So I talked to him last night and now he's moping around the house again.  I'm at work today and I have tried calling several times and he won't answer the phone.  Here I am trying to call him about the kids' health insurance and I can't get him to answer the phone.  So I leave a message and the next thing I know, I get a text message from him telling me not to bother picking up my step-daughter for visitation and that he got my msg, just doesn't feel like talking to anyone right now.  So I sent back and asked him if he realizes he's pushing me away.  He said he's just scared and confused and feels like he's lost.

So my question is, am I overreacting here?  And if I am, what does that say about me?  Or is he manipulating me?  On one hand I feel like a heartless ***** for being mad at him because I can't make up my mind, but on the other I feel like he's the one who caused me to question our marriage in the first place.  Where the heck was he when I was depressed?  I haven't had the space I asked for in the beginning to think things through.  Yeah, I screwed up and made him think things were all better.  But am I not allowed a mistake?

[lost_myself]

IMO when men are done, they are done. They just walk away and find a new toy to play with. We are also lazy and inconsiderate (unknowingly)..i think he may have needed a "wake up call" and got it. He is going to counseling and making efforts to improve, so (again IMO)  i think that was you wanted anyway right? for him to improve and treat you better ..I say support him in his efforts and work WITH him to make a better life for yourselves and kids,it takes two ..he cant shoulder the responsibility of making a relationship work and you happy all alone despite what may have gone on in the past. Forgive/forget the past you cant move ahead looking back. People can change and improve( been there as the lazy inconsiderate one myself, so speaking from experience)  if they make an effort the problem is most people dont even try. They see nothing wrong with how they act and everything wrong with how others do. He seems to be willing to get off his *** and work to prove that to you..that's worth alot all by its self...good luck to you both.

[Judy246]

By the way, we are human and all to error...no such thing as perfection. We do learn from our mistakes and make sure not to repeat them. :)

[Judy246]

It's obvious that your husband is still in love with you and doesn't want either a seperation or divorce. As an outsider, it's heartbreaking to see when a marriage is no longer what it should be. You really need to reconsider your actions. If this is what you really want and if not don't do anything that is going to give him false hopes.

I don't think he is manipulating you. From previous post, he is emotionally unstabled at this time and is doing the best that he can under the circumstance.  Your also giving him false hope and it will just kill him inside. You need to make a decision wether you want to try to make your marrige work or file for a divorce, but don't do or say anything that you don't mean, because you will both go right back to square one. Good Luck...Judy

[imanaddict]

The cartoon bears comment made LOL!!



My best friend still lives with her ex boyfriend and it's been about a year (maybe more) since they split. It has drove her insane! She cries all the time, she isn't happy, she can't move on with someone else while they're living under the same roof. By them living together (due to finances and the lease) it is only prolonging the inevitable. They are finally going their separate ways in 2 weeks and I swear, it's like a heavy weight has lifted off her shoulders. She seems so much more upbeat and happy again, and she hasn't even moved out yet! I think the same things apply in your case. You are only prolonging the heartache by allowing him back in the home. It gives him hope and he probably figures he can win you over. He already did once only to get shot down the very next day. That would upset anyone, so try to look at this from his point of view. You are not heartless and yes you are allowed to make mistakes. It's only human nature and this is not familiar waters for you, so there will be plenty more mistakes made before this is all said and done by both of you. Try not to dwell on this, what's done is done. Whatever you do, do NOT let it happen again if that is not what you want.