Is He Ungrateful?

[Njsweetnlight]

I am going to try to make this short and to the point. My fiance and I live together and he lost his job about 9 months ago. After he lost his job he applied for unemployement and has been getting it since. Our bills are 4400.00 a month and he gets 600.00 a month for unemployement and I pay the rest and take care of 3 kids that are mine and his 2 kids on the weekend. I explained money is tight now and we need to cut back because I can not handle everything by myself and he needs to look for a job any job any job and I mean any job!! I said I will take 500.00 from the unemployement and he can keep a 100.00 a month for spending money for his pocket and to get his hair done or gas money. He YELLED are you crazy, that is not enough you are trying to play me and only give me 100.00 out of his 600.00 that he contributes and let me remind you that our bills are over 4400.00 a month. I feel he is ungrateful for expecting me to pay all the bills and he doesn't love me. No man should expect his woman to struggle and make money and pay all the bills so a man can have "spending money" in his pocket. Question is call off marriage or wait to see if he gets a job and gets it together?

[pitter]

i would def not marry the guy, not now anyway...my therapist always says that we teach peopple how to treat us...if you accept this behaviour now and marry him, you will be setting yourself up for a pretty unstable future.
Best wishes, and be strong, this is a very strategic point for you and your childrens  future!

[SeriousSam]

I believe the converse is true also.  Though further details I felt would have been enlightening.

[RockRose]

I would call off the wedding right now.

Men who can't man up during a crisis like this,  and sit around and play playstation and whine that they don't have any spending money while their not yet wife is providing for them are not marriage material.

"When someone shows you who they are,  believe them."
(Maya Angelou)

[imanaddict]

$100 a month is not a bad allowance, especially when you are low on funds and only one person is working and he isn't using any gas to go look for a job! I agree with the others, postpone the wedding until he starts acting like an adult. This situation is not a good way to enter into a marriage. Continue to stand your ground girl! Good luck!

[Sarajmt]

I agree with almost everything above.  What I have issue with is $100 for you.  The fact of the matter is you need money for gas, lunch, clothing, hair etc and this relates directly to the fact you work.  (I've been a stay home mom for 21 years.  The wage earners necessities come first!  But after the children.) His needs should be minimal.

Personally I think he needs counseling.  He is definitely depressed.  If he is not insured, is there a university that offers this in your area?  Or social services perhaps?  

One "cure" for his depression would be a job.  Does the unemployment office maintain a list of open positions?  Has he signed up with any employment agencies?  Or even as a temp?

I know you can't force him to do anything.  Sometimes the more you push, the harder they push back.  But does he do any housework or anything around the house? Do you pay his child support?  A lot to consider.

Bottom line is that it will be much more embarrassing if you have send back wedding gifts.  This situation does not look promising for starting out in married life.  Postpone the wedding until this has been resolved for your own sake.

[SeriousSam]

I agree with Teko, however in the interest of fairness what type of jobe did he AND you have before and what was the pay involved?  4400 seems a bit high?  Are you wanting to only budget 100 for yourself also?

[teko]

If you are not married, he should be responsible for half of all the bills, you the other half. I am sure he is probably depressed and not feeling like much of a man but the longer he sits and does nothing to change his situation the more depressed he is gonna get. Bottom line, it is time for a little tough love. Make it clear to him that he is expected to get out and fill out applications. If he has not got a job then there is no spending money to be had with those kind of bills. A man does not like a woman telling them what they can and cannot do, but it is time to get over the ego trip and act like a grown man. I agree that marriage should be put on the back burner and you need to really think about what you two hve in common before proceeding. Once you show him you will take care of everything, he will be content to sit back and let you.

[specialmom]

Oh rats Njsweetnlight.  This doesn't sound good at all.  I think that it is unreasonable and not a good sign the attitude he has taken.  I can understand if someone is having a tough time finding a job in this market, but he's  not looking?  And then gives you a hard time about being put on a budget?  I feel like his lack of ambition and level of expectation of you taking care of him are way out of line for what I'd want in a husband.  I would not marry him right now.  I'd "postpone" the wedding without setting an actual date yet.  Then see what he does to improve the situation.  If it is nothing, well.  Marriage would be a struggle.  And regardless of whether he finds another job right away or not, I'd go through some premarital counseling because big differences on how a couple view life and finances are usually uncovered.  You should be on the same page with a future spouse . . . right now, you aren't even in the same book.

I'm sorry to put it that way.  But it is my honest advice to you.  Best of luck.  

[Njsweetnlight]

Thanks Amie, no he hasn't been looking for a job that is what is frustrating. He plays playstation and sits on the computer with his music all day. I tried sitting down with him today and showed him a list of all the bills and that is when he flipped. He said he will get a job but hasn't made an effort at all, he was on the computer for 5 minutes looking for jobs and said he couldn't find anything and gave up. You are right we should hold off on the wedding until he can step up to the plate and are financially set. I explained that if he can not make an effort and doesn't have a job by Aug.1st than we will postpone the wedding. It is embarrasing to have to tell 100 people sorry but we are not going to have the wedding after all don't save the date.

[Amie635]

He is being unreasonable considering the situation you are in, but he probably feels threatened because he is the man yet you, the woman, are the provider at the moment. He probably feels his ego has been knocked, and by you stating how much money he can and can't have, it made him feel a little bit small.

He's been out of work for 9 months, but has he at least tried to find a new job? Maybe you should sit him down, explain how you can't do this by yourself and you need help. Tell him you don't want to get married until you are financially secure, and him being out of work is taking its toll on the relationship. Communication is key.