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Is it time to call it Splitsville??
Hello,
My husband and I are going on our 11th wedding anniversary and you would think this would be such a happy time, but unfortunetely, it is not. We have been having problems on and off since I was laid off from my job back in 2007. It isn't your typical marriage, my husband is a paraplegic and is in a wheelchair. We went to high school together before his accident but weren't real close friends or anything. Then is 1996 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he broke his back. I feel resentement towards him for me having to give up so much that I used to love to do, example, going camping...but then I begin feeling guilty for feeling that way. He has resentment towards me for not having been able to hold down a job and contribute. I suffer from severe depression along with PTSD and ADHD. It affects my life and makes things very difficult for me, I'm not making excuses, I take my meds, I go to counseling...but he doesn't understand it. He thinks I should be able to work no matter what the case may be. He has been at his job for 18 years and has supported me for the past 11 years. I do feel so terribly guilty about all this. And there have been other things that have happened. The fact is we're both not perfect but for the past few months he has been very moody towards me, as he suddenly stopped taking all his meds, including his antidepressants and he has these anger outbursts towards me and constantly is telling me he wants a divorce, so then I try even harder to make things better. I am due to start a new job with a great company, great pay plus benefits and its working from my home. I'm super stoked about this job and feel that I will be able to keep it as I've been feeling stable now for awhile. But he tells me that this is our main problem, the finances and so if I keep this job and say I'm 3 months into it and he is still treating me this way, what do I do then because obviously it was more than just the work issue ya know....he says this is my very last chance to prove to him that I can be independant and I want to prove this to myself first, but a lot of other people too!! I must admit though, I am a little scared. Any advice? Thanks everyone! Sincerely, Kelly
My husband and I are going on our 11th wedding anniversary and you would think this would be such a happy time, but unfortunetely, it is not. We have been having problems on and off since I was laid off from my job back in 2007. It isn't your typical marriage, my husband is a paraplegic and is in a wheelchair. We went to high school together before his accident but weren't real close friends or anything. Then is 1996 he was involved in a motorcycle accident in which he broke his back. I feel resentement towards him for me having to give up so much that I used to love to do, example, going camping...but then I begin feeling guilty for feeling that way. He has resentment towards me for not having been able to hold down a job and contribute. I suffer from severe depression along with PTSD and ADHD. It affects my life and makes things very difficult for me, I'm not making excuses, I take my meds, I go to counseling...but he doesn't understand it. He thinks I should be able to work no matter what the case may be. He has been at his job for 18 years and has supported me for the past 11 years. I do feel so terribly guilty about all this. And there have been other things that have happened. The fact is we're both not perfect but for the past few months he has been very moody towards me, as he suddenly stopped taking all his meds, including his antidepressants and he has these anger outbursts towards me and constantly is telling me he wants a divorce, so then I try even harder to make things better. I am due to start a new job with a great company, great pay plus benefits and its working from my home. I'm super stoked about this job and feel that I will be able to keep it as I've been feeling stable now for awhile. But he tells me that this is our main problem, the finances and so if I keep this job and say I'm 3 months into it and he is still treating me this way, what do I do then because obviously it was more than just the work issue ya know....he says this is my very last chance to prove to him that I can be independant and I want to prove this to myself first, but a lot of other people too!! I must admit though, I am a little scared. Any advice? Thanks everyone! Sincerely, Kelly
He says he still loves me however it doesn't feel like it anymore. I'm constantly asking him why he hates me so bad. I feel so guilty that I haven't let myself keep a job and I know that it's put quite the toll on our relationship but I feel that I am ready to "grow up" now! I've let lifes situations get in the way and from that I have a really negative self image. Thank u for your support! :)
Thank you so much! You made me feel a lot better actually! Yes he was in a wheelchair when I met him and married him and I guess I didn't really think upfront what I would potentially have to be giving up. Most of the stuff he doesn't really like to do but is capable of doing. He never uses being in a wheelchair as an excuse. I just feel that we should meet each other in the middle. And now he's starting to tell people, friends, family what is going on between us and now they are all acting weird towards me. I did work jobs since 2007, just haven't been able to keep one. I just found out my hours for this new job at 7:00am to 3:30pm and I'm quite nervous about having to get up that early since I haven't been used to that in forever! But I just have to tell myself that I'm able and I can do this. I just really feel like I need support. Thank you so much!! God bless you.
Hi also. the both of you have come along way with eachother and i do sense endearing love between you two. I would start the new job and take it from there. Im sure being home and unemployed so long has taken a toll on your spirit.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome. Well, congrats on the new job! That sounds great and I'm also happy you are so excited to get back into the work force!
I'm not sure what will happen when you begin working. I suppose after all this time, the two of you have some negative patterns in place that you'll have to sort out. Is couples counseling an option?
I guess I do see his point that it has been six long years since you've worked and even he with his disability has been able to hold down a job. I'm sure there were reasons why you didn't work that long stretch of time but I'm sure it did put a strain on things. If he also has some internal insecurity that perhaps you are with him only because you have to be (was that a little true?) then your unemployment fed into that. And the other thing is that you resent him for what you can't due due to his disability but wasn't he disabled when you married him? This was all up front, right?
since you are doing what he says he wants and going back to work, I think it only fair you ask him to begin taking his meds again and get the outbursts under control. Ask him why he stopped taking them. Let him know how he's been treating you and that this can't go on. HE needs to solve that issue on his own.
Now, I don't think people who are unhappy have to stay married. But if you are one to be loyal to your commitments and you once loved him--- go back to work and see if it helps. Work on the issues you have and see if it helps. If it doesn't--- then you need an exit plan. It never hurts to think of what that exit plan would be.
do not let the home drama mess with the new job though. since that is from home----- be careful that any issues with your husband do not interfere with your day's work. good luck!!
I'm not sure what will happen when you begin working. I suppose after all this time, the two of you have some negative patterns in place that you'll have to sort out. Is couples counseling an option?
I guess I do see his point that it has been six long years since you've worked and even he with his disability has been able to hold down a job. I'm sure there were reasons why you didn't work that long stretch of time but I'm sure it did put a strain on things. If he also has some internal insecurity that perhaps you are with him only because you have to be (was that a little true?) then your unemployment fed into that. And the other thing is that you resent him for what you can't due due to his disability but wasn't he disabled when you married him? This was all up front, right?
since you are doing what he says he wants and going back to work, I think it only fair you ask him to begin taking his meds again and get the outbursts under control. Ask him why he stopped taking them. Let him know how he's been treating you and that this can't go on. HE needs to solve that issue on his own.
Now, I don't think people who are unhappy have to stay married. But if you are one to be loyal to your commitments and you once loved him--- go back to work and see if it helps. Work on the issues you have and see if it helps. If it doesn't--- then you need an exit plan. It never hurts to think of what that exit plan would be.
do not let the home drama mess with the new job though. since that is from home----- be careful that any issues with your husband do not interfere with your day's work. good luck!!
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