Is my girlfriend afraid to commit?

[RDVW]

Hi,

I've been dating my girlfriend for nearly 2 months now. It's going well, we are exactly on the same wavelength, we get along, we laugh, we kissed, we made love, however, there were also hiccups. She says she feels good when she's with me and she's happy but sometimes she seems to avoid me. I had planned a small 4-day trip, she agreed, she even asked me if a friend of hers could visit us for a day, I agreed, but then she bailed out. She says she is not sure, unstable (she doesn't strike me as unstable at all; I guess she meant "not sure") and that she thinks she may not be happy in the future. I'm trying to figure out what's making her say she may not be happy. She worries a lot. I don't. I told her I want her to go for it or we stop. She started crying. Okay, thay may have been a bit harsh from my side but this is really how I feel. When I am in a relationship I want to be with that person. I'm very committed, I guess.

She had a long relationship (10 years) that she ended because she wasn't sure. She told me her ex was very angry. She has no kids, wants 1 or 2 kids, me too. She says she has had no traumatic events in her childhood, her parents are still married, nothing out of the ordinary.

Any ideas what's happening here? Maybe fear of commitment? Maybe she just wants to be with me but she doesn't want a relationship? Seems weird to me. How can someone want to be with a person but not in a relationship? She is Sagittarius if that makes any difference.

[Nighthawk61]

First off, let me say Thank You for your post. It warms my heart especially when a man reaches out here to help him become more nurturing towards the women and children in his life. SO THANK YOU AND GOD BLESS YOU.

You've said that this woman was in a relationship for 10 years, and then ended it. You haven't mentioned if she has said anything to you about why she felt unsure, specifically.

Everyone is different, You and she are different and have different ways, and different perspectives - while she had a long term relationship that ended badly, you may not have.

You do need to slow down. While you are a carefree kind of guy with no fear of the future (and that may be a fresh of breath air for her). she clearly is not.

You've mentioned that she's said.. "She says she is not sure, unstable " and that "she may not be happy in the future." This is exactly what we do early in relationships, get to know the other person. This woman clearly needs to talk to a therapist about why she was "unsure" of her last relationship, and have a full understanding of what it was in the relationship that scared her enough to bail out. If she's not able to have learned a thing and found closure she's likely to repeat the same mistakes with you or another man, that she could reasonably easily avoid with some therapy.

So, you are right now her friend. (and yes, lover). To be a good friend, you have to want her to be healthy, regardless of what happens between the both of you. So, for no ulterior motive, just from the goodness of your heart, and with no expectations, you need to be nurturing, as any caregiver, ask her if she would Please, for the good of all, consider talking to a therapist.

You have a couple of ways to talk to her about what's happened between you.

1) I think the best thing you could do, is to show her your post. By doing so, you are teaching her to reach out and talk about what's ailing her. Give her the gift of having anonymous friends that she could look to for wise advice. I think that your honestly and transparency would be very helpful to your relationship.  I think your girl will sincerely appreciate that you cared enough to recognize her pain, her situation, that you recognized that you were "harsh" and wanted help on how to move forward. You've said absolutely nothing here that could be considered disrespectful. You've reached out here for advice , and the advice i'm giving you is to get your girl to a therapist so that she can work through the issues that come after breaking up a long term relationship (no different that marriage). By you showing her how to reach out, and being FULLY TRANSPARENT ABOUT IT, IT COULD BE INVALUABLE FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND AND FOR YOUR FUTURE TOGETHER.

This is you helping to build the foundation of a possible long term relationship. This is you proving  that your instincts are solid. This is you, going onto a advice column website instead of going to the bar and having a few with the guys instead of caring. Congratulations. You have good instincts. You are reaching out to be more nurturing. Game ON. That's Amore.



or ....

could say something along the lines of...

____________________________________________

"Listen honey, I don't ever want to make you cry. I'm really sorry that i gave you an ultimatum to go on a trip with me or end things. That was childish.

I do have to say that we are opposites, and I don't think that is a bad thing necessarily. I think that we can learn from each other, if we are both willing.  While i am willing to go "all in" for love, you are more likely to hold back, based on your past long term relationship that ended badly.

I was confused when you said that you are "not sure, and unstable". I don't think of you as unstable, but i realize that i could be projecting onto you, because i want to think of you as stable as i think that I am. I think it's obvious and very simple that the reason why you said you "didn't know if you'd be happy in the future" may be as a result of being in such a long term relationship and then feeling that you needed to break it off.  The idea of that happening again must be frightening.

I think a therapist could help you to find closure and understanding of unresolved feelings associated with your last relationship, and understandable fear of the future, so that you can truly feel stable in this relationship, or any relationship that you have from this point forward. Would you think about it, and try to find a therapist that you'd feel comfortable talking to? I'm going to stand by you all the way. If it ever would help you to have me attend a session, and talk about how I can work with you to build a stronger foundation for our relationship, I promise you I'll be there for you. I love you. Please for forgive me for being a little dense. I'll try to be more sensitive."

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[specialmom]

To be honest, you may be moving too fast.  Too fast for her and too fast for your own good.  Two months is a very short time.  You should still be learning about her and in the just dating phase--  not planning your future out just yet.  You are getting to know her and she you.  I did break it off with the men I dated that speeded things along at a pace I wasn't comfortable with.  I mean, I know I am a great catch and all (ha ha) but it didn't feel right.  And made me think they just REALLY wanted to be in a relationship.  Think of a foundation.  You have to build a really strong one for a building to last against time.  You are building your foundation.  This means brick by brick.  It doesn't happen over night.  So, relax a little.  Don't plan trips this early in dating.  Don't talk about a future together.  Just enjoy her and remember----  you are only getting to know her at this point and still have a lot to learn.  Same for her with you.  So, try not to rush that.  good luck

[RDVW]

Thank you, specialmom, thank you very much. It is hard for me to grasp how I could be too fast after two months. This just feels normal to me. I want to move ahead in life. But I think you're right. I do tend to go too fast.

However, that does not explain why she says she may be unhappy in the future, does it? Moving too fast I understand; being not happy in the future I don't understand. Seems insecure to me. I never worry about the future. Am I missing something here?