Confused and need advice :(

[MrsJaydaJae]

Hello all,
I am having some issues with my marriage. I am 30 years old and have been married to my husband for the last 5 years. I have never been unfaithful to my husband , but I am not inlove with him. To be honest Im not sure if I was ever in love with him. I met him through my bestfriend who was dating his brother at the time. At that point in my life it was just about hanging out and having fun Which the 4 of us did quit often.About 10 months into dating him he asked me to marry him. I felt like it was way to soon but I said yes anyway. We moved in with each other once we were married and have lived with eachother ever since. Over the years I have noticed how different we really are. For an example he never graduated high school and I have a college degree. It's not just that. He has no goals for himself and has no intentions on bettering himself. Also he never speaks proper english and is always embarrasing me in front of others. The big thing is he uses curse words often and I hate it! He only curses around me and his family. When he is around my family he can suddenly turn it off. Not to long after we got married and moved in together I found out that he has bipolar disorder. I made him go get medicine, but he refuses to take it. I sometimes feel like I have to watch what I say or he will take it wrong and get upset. He recently got a DWI and his drivers licence will be suspended for a year while he is on probation. So now I feel like Im his personal chauffeur. Ok now that I have told you all of his negative traits , I will tell you the positive. To start with he is an excellent father to our beautiful 6 month old son. He is a hard worker (manual labor). Also he is a really neat organized person and helps me alot with the house chores. He is one of the best cooks I have ever known. I have never had to take my car to the shop since I have known him, because he fixes everything himself.What little money he does make , he has no problem at all paying bills, buying diapers or whatever myself or our son needs. I have been hospitalalized 6 times in the last 3 years and he stayed every night with me in the hospital with out ever complaining.  
This is the hard part for me. I don''t no if I should stay with him because I am comfortable and for my sons sake or if I should get a divorce and move on with my life. I said earlier im not in love with him and Im not, but I honestly do love him. Hopefuly that made sense.I know I sound like a horrible bad person and I feel bad for even typing this.For what its worth Im not interested in another man.or dating anyone else. Im really confused and I truly need some helpful opinions and advice. Thank you :)

[AHP84]

You're not wrong for feeling the way you do, but I also agree with the above posters in that you've put yourself in this position, and your child has sealed the deal more or less.
I've been in two committed relationships in my lifetime, and have a child from each. The first relationship was the naive, immature, high-school-to-college relationship that lasted from my freshman year of high school to age 22. We unintentionally got pregnant when we were 19. He was the kind of guy (and pretty much still is) that does intend and means well, but he's just not a very pleasant person to be around and doesn't have the ambition or motivation to better his life to what I'd hope and expect. Oddly, I knew this about him from a very young age; he was basically the "bad boy," a rebel, and had a rocky relationship with his family through high school because of his stubborness and defiant behavior. But...I thought my influence on him would change him, much like your statement of your own husband being, "I just assumed those were things that he could work on. Which he has not." I thought my ex would grow up, grow out of the behavior patterns that I disliked and I could be his inspiration to do it. But it doesn't work that way...and it finally registered with me AFTER I was pregnant. So from there, I did everything in my power to endure the relationship for our child's sake, to give him a two-parent home and all that. However, unlike your husband, my ex was NOT a help with anything, not a provider of financial help or even useful skills, he was complacent and became verbally and emotionally abusive with me and that led to him getting controlling and trying to isolate me from my own family relationships. Literally everyone I knew (except his own family)...everyone...didn't like him, didn't want me with him, and didn't want his influence around his own child even. But...I still tried for two years to hold the relationship together before giving up on it. That was six years ago, and to this day, he's changed very little that I can tell, other than us being as civil as we can with each other and allowing him to be as involved as he chooses in his son's life, which unfortunately, is hardly ever.
The lessons I learned from that relationship brought me into my current marriage. I went into it never expecting to change him, or him change me, or for him to even work on anything about himself that I don't like (for example, I really don't like his eating habits and he's not as...frugal...as I'd like him to be). But before we married, I knew this. And he knew what he wanted to know about me. What we do to keep our marriage strong, healthy, and happy is to always be very open about how we feel, and communicate it without being accusatory. If either of us does something that angers or hurts off the other, then we openly say so, and that's not always easy, especially for me because I'm a very non-confrontational person.
What I'm getting at here is that the issue you have with your husband's cussing vs model behavior in front of your family is something you should make very clear to him that it upsets you. I can only imagine with as supportive as he is in your marriage and how he respects you as his wife to take care of you and help out with your child with no complaints, not to mention the good standing he has with your family...you really haven't been as open with him as you could be in expressing how upset the swearing and cussing makes you, and also that he won't make it easier for you to confront him because he won't take his bipolar meds.
This all sounds like basic communication issues that can really be helped and remedied with marriage counseling. Honestly, when I look at the descriptions you provide of both your marriage and your husband, this sounds more than salvageable. You both just need to realize how to make the effort, and that can only be done if your communication with each other is guided by someone who can help you both achieve that.

[MrsJaydaJae]

yes I know having a baby with him was not the smartest idea. I just felt like I was geting older and I have always wanted to be a mother. I had been told by my doctors that it would be hard for me to carry a child due to my medical condition and the sooner I concieved the better. I do realize that we made that choice got of fear that we would never be parents if we waited. Allthough it was a very difficult pregnancy and it was not the best timeing I do not regret haveing my baby. Maybe I made my husband sound worse than he is. I know he is not all bad, I guess I just wished he wanted more in life. It seems like he is just content. You guys are absolutly right on the fact that I knew alot of this before I married him and I did. I just assumed those were things that he could work on. Which he has not. I have not talked to him about a divorce, because I don't want to hurt him.
I am taking my son into consideration and he loves his father. Everyone loves him. Weirdly he is everything that my parents never wanted for me, and they to adore him now. Him , my father and my brother are always going to football games, fishing trips and other things together. Anytime anything needs to be fixed my mom calls him first. Even my grandfather loves him. Thats also the problem. He has manners around my family and he is the funny guy. At home when its just us I hear alot of slang and curse words. That makes me angry, because I have to hear all of this. Anyway I guess this is something I did to myself and I just need to do a bit more thinking about it before I make a decision. Thank you all for taking the time to read this and respond.

[nursegirl6572]

I agree completely with the above posts.

Sorry to say, but you kind of did this to yourself.

"About 10 months into dating him he asked me to marry him. I felt like it was way to soon but I said yes anyway. We moved in with each other once we were married and have lived with eachother ever since. "

Marriage is not a decision you make on a whim, it should be carefully thought through, if you were not ready, you should have said so.

It seems as though one of your biggest issues is that you feel you're somewhat in a different league than him....that's clear in the way you describe him and speak about him.  I also agree that his traits were there from the beginning...either, like you said, you moved too fast and didn't really know him yet, or you just chose to ignore those things.

Bringing a child into this mix makes this a MUCH bigger deal, IMO.  You really have the obligation to do everything in your power to make this work, for your child.  Too often today, people think so casually about marriage, and having children, and that leads to the divorce rate we have.  It's a shame.

Million dollar question, does HE have ANY clue you feel this way?  Does he know you feel like you're not IN love with him?  If not, PLEASE be thoughtful when dropping this bombshell on him...it sounds like he does an awful lot to do his part in the household/marriage.  This will probably devastate him.  

Please seek therapy, marital therapy...do what you have to do to make this work.  When all is said and done, if you still feel the same, then part ways, but make a committment that you are going to co-parent that child in the BEST way possible.

Good luck.

[TTinKKerBBell]

Totally agree with SpecialMom!!

My own little bit of advice:
There is good and bad in EVERY relationship.  Except for the DUI, it sounds like the "good" outweighs the "bad".  As for His personality, You knew those things when You married Him and that was acceptable to You at that time.  You say You "love" Him - but are not "in love" with Him.  I'm not sure I understand that statement, but that You "love" Him is good.  He sounds like a good Man, Husband and Father.  You could do a lot worse.

[specialmom]

Hi there and welcome to the forum.  Question . . .  all of the things you mention in the negative area of your husband with the exception of the DUI are not new.  He was never an ambitious guy, was always one to use poor English and cuss.  You never felt all that in love with him.  And yet, in the last part of your five years together, you have a child with him.  Why?  That certainly complicates things.

Had you just written this same post and said, we've not had kids yet, that would have made sense to me and it would be a no brainer . . .  leave and start over.  But you stayed with him through those same issues and chose to conceive a child with him.  Which certainly complicates the situation.

We need to look for and respond to red flags before we have kids with someone.  Once we do that, we owe it to the kid to make every effort to make it work.  Counseling, seeing your minister, finding mentors, making sure our own mental health is in line (sometimes when we have an infant and are working, we can be very tired and even have a little bit of depression.  This is not uncommon at all).  I personally feel that you must try everything to make the relationship work when you've brought a child into the world with someone.  

After that, if it doesn't work----  then I guess you move on.  Your child will go between two homes then but lots of kids do and you just make the best of it.  

Divorce is common in this world.  Being a single mom is no picnic but lots and lots of women do it.  You'll be okay if this is how it turns out.  But I do think we owe it to our kids to try to work things out before we jump ship.  If it can't be saved, it can't.  Then you pick up the pieces and learn from past mistakes.  good luck