Should I Leave? Or Stay?

[cutipup100]

So I have been on medhelp for a while but am new to this group and have read things on there that seem very interesting and all of you seem to give very well educated thought out responses. I am 21 and my boyfriend is 22. We have been on and off for about 3 and a half years now. dating/ talking and then seeing other people all in between those years. right now we are currently only dating eachother. and we have been for a little over a month now. I love him and he says he loves me too. for the past month things have been for the most part going well. When he seems to have problems at home or money issues or hes busy, he won't talk often or much at all. I am very used to getting attention from exs and other people I used to see so its very hard to adjust to this and this is one thing I don't like about him. He doesn't like girls that are "clingy" although I don't see myself as being "clingy" I see myself as caring for him but also wanting attention. When he is overwhelmed he pulls back and doesn't text or pick up my calls and wants his "space" which is hard for me to understnd because I like most women like to "talk things out" and want people there for me. In the past he used to just leave me when this issue came about. Hes not leaving but the distancing scares me a lot, like he might leave. We have spoken abut this issue but I really don't know what else to do or say to him so what should I do? Do I stay with him? leave him? deal with it?

[cutipup100]

thank you for your response!

Your husband sounds like my boyfriend too.  Sounds like a lot of us have the same problem when it comes to men. I feel like what you are doing with him is good. Kind of a give and take (compromise) which my boyfriend said he would try and do but clearly has a hard time of doing so. What do you do on your part to help him cope? I understand what you mean when you say added stressors sometime they just need time away and I have to convince myself it isnt my fault, its not because of me. its other things that are consuming his mind at the moment.

[cutipup100]

thank you for your response.

You are right on target with everything you said about your fiance, sounds like my relationship now LOL. Like I mentioned to everyone else I am taking your advice and pulling back when needed. it seems to be working so far so good. this is very hard for me to do but I am going to try my best cause this is what he needs. And like you said it isnt about me, although when guys distance themselves I guess women do take offense to it when offense isnt needed to be taken and shouldnt be taken. It is something I am not used to but I need to try and work on to see what happens with our relationship.

[cutipup100]

thank you for your response again.

You are right that we have different personalities but I love him. I think I can make this work and hopefully it will. he has been a big part of my life and for now I am going to try and stay and work on it. Give him space when he needs it and try and be as understanding as I possibly can. I do have to work on not relying on some1 to talk to all the time and Ive been trying. It seems to be going alright as far as today is concerned....

[lovemykids465]

Men are not like woman and can not multi task or even think on more then one thing at a time. I had to learn this the hard way. I use to take my husbands lack of attention as him rejecting me but once we finally talked about it he said he is quiet because he is constantly thinking about ways to solve his problem, be it financial, work related or whatever. He now knows that this may not be the best for our relationship so he is trying to work a bit harder on letting it go and I realize  that he to may need time and space and my complaining about him not being there for me only adds to his stress and prolongs the situation.

[mami1323]

You got great advice here and I wanted to let you know that I had the same issues with my fiance.  He was not a talker at all, still isn't but as time has gone by he's become much better at it.  Communication is important in every relationship but what else is important is understanding the person you are with and picking up on their cues.  When my fiance is in a bad mood I used to personalize it and think that it had something to do with me.  But it wasn't about me, I just made it about me.  This is similar to the advice specialmom gave, don't take his distance personally and try to give him the space he needs and when he's ready to come back he will.  I know you get high anxiety because of what has happened in the past but you have to have trust in your relationship that everything will be ok.  I'm like teko where I changed my response to my fiance...instead of getting upset that he was in a bad mood, I just would walk away and let him be alone.  Not everyone handles stress the same, women for the most part like to discuss EVERYTHING and men are for the most part the complete opposite.  It took many years to get the flow right and we still are a work in progress.  

[teko]

You asked me if anything is different. No, he still does the same thing, it is my response to him that has changed. I think it is simply personalities and I personally think that if this bothers you this much right now, it is only going to bother you more as time goes on. You seem like a fixer to me, and if you are, you are not going to be able to adapt to giving it space, you will need someone who is more compatible with you.  I think it is simply personalities that cause people to either get along or not. You both have the extreme opposite ways of dealing and to force yourselves to be different to please the other will not come easily. Besides, you are 21. You may not have met the right fit for you, yet. Something to think about. I doubt he is going to change.

[cutipup100]

THanks again!
You are right I guess. really what it is, is hes not a phone person. In person we can talk for hours on end so I guess I am going to have to see how this goes and try and deal with it the best I can. For now, I am not leaving. I want to see if we work. Like I said its been on and off again 3 and a half years so I want to try and be steady as long as I can to see if it works because we ALWAYS seem to come back to eachother and this is the real test to say we gave this a fair shot. So I think I am going to hang in there because through it all he does make me happy, moreso when I am with him in person rather then not but, I love him so this relationship is worth that shot. If it doesn't work out hopefully I will be happy that I let it get as far as I could. Thank you again for your advice it really helped a lot.

[specialmom]

Hm.  You've changed the scenario a little for me.  Some people (male or female) are just not big talkers in good times or bad and when it is bad, they really go within themselves.  This is something for you to think about.  As it is kind of a dynamic between you that you like to chat/talk/ be close through your words . . .  he is not like that.  Could you live with this if it did not change?  Best friend is married to a non talker and she and I get along so well as we are talkers.  We can talk politics (and we rarely see things the same way so we have great "friendly" debates), tv shows, books, kids, world events, husbands . . . for hours on end.  Her husband and she can go out to dinner and stare at the salt and pepper shakers.  They love each other and have fun  and had a good dating life before marriage but he is just not a chatty guy.  It drives her nuts.  She loves him and will stay with him but feels somewhat unfulfilled.  She has other people in her life that she has the deep conversations with and they talk if necessary--------- so it is okay.   But the question is-------  was he really the best mate for her?  You have to take that question seriously.  But it is a question for you and not for him.  Changing a man never works.  They might bend here or there but you can't count on it.  Sometimes a person can close you out if they are troubled because you are not on that real inner tier that they can deal with when upset . . . and you eventually get into that spot as your relationship progresses.  But that now doesn't sound like the case form how you describe the bf.  He sounds just like a nontalker.  And you can't nag him into being different.  Other guys aside and you gave up this one or that one stuff doesn't matter.  Think about HIM and if you are happy with him and how he is.  And I am so glad you love your job!!  More power to you!  goodluck

[cutipup100]

Well he stated to me yesterday that he is not the type to talk "all the time" which I know already. its not constant but I think it is a lot, more so in times of stress like now, when things are just really going wrong for him, financial issues, things that broke that he needs to buy, family isues. on top of normal work and school. this is why I don't know how much is too much? and people say give him time, but how much time? I don't want to put a time limit on him but when he had come back to me I was in the mist of talking to someone or 2 guys and I dropped them to start a relationship with him over, yet again. And I don't want to be in something where I am the only one giving the 110%. I am a talker and he isnt and it has taken us a lot to get to where we are now but im still stuck in this hard place since we are totally different when it comes to this... When we are together in person we really don't fight much or we will argue and get over it. Its so hard to fight with him in person. Because I love being around him and we joke a lot talk about friends talk about our past go out and have fun and just sometimes talk for hours in person, and have great sex. But its more so when we arent in person where there is lack of communication...

Thank you, yes I cannot wait to get out of school LOL I do want to be independent I love to work actually and love my job.

[specialmom]

Well, I guess I need to understand.  Is the distance just during a rough patch he is going through or is it ongoing?  Ongoing is not great if he is constantly pushing you away.  Most people do talk to their significant other regularly (at least daily).  I might not be fully understanding what you are dealing with.  

But the other advice of working self to be less dependent on man attention still stands.  And I am so glad you are going to get that degree.  This sets you up for your future and is a good step torwards being that fully independent person of others. Once you are independent you can become interdependent more easily.  Does that make sense?  A long day for me so I may be communicating poorly.  Sorry.  But I do wish you the best and I think that you can let him work on problems alone but that can't be every day.  

[cutipup100]

thnk you very much again for your response.

You are right with what you are saying I guess sometimes we don't see things like this in ourselves unless someone else points it out. He says he needs space and doesn't need to talk to his girlfriend everyday, meaning me. But to me you need that talk and reassurance. Although we are opposites when it comes to that we do have many things in common this is just the big thing that we seem to but heads bout, and it does take a toll on me in particular. We are both very busy so yes it is hard to see eachother often and hard to talk as much as Id like us to but I feel like its worse because of his distance factor. I am going to transfer, hopefully somewhere that is a few hrs away from where I live for my Bachelor's degree and I am scared about where my relationship is headed with him... I do have to be more secure and independent with myself that is so true. But I guess most of the time I am used to having some type of man in my life for the most part and being able to talk to them whenever Id like to. I don't know if I have to wait this problem out and really work at this for us and for myself? or leave?  I don't want to just leave but I am not sure I should have to put up with the distance either (some friends are giving me that advice too.)

[specialmom]

Hi, I will answer the question you directed at me.  First, let me say that I do understand where you are coming from.  You ask me if it is so bad for you to need/want his attention?  Well, I say that it could be and here is why.  True stregth of a woman comes from feelings inside of her.  You shouldn't need his attention to feel good.  It shouldn't upset you so much if he has a legitimate reason for focasing on something else than making you feel good.  You have to be secure in yourself and secure in his feelings with you and then you would allow him to be as he needs to be to work through something.  Now I am speaking of short periods of time and situations vs his actual demeanor torwards you all the time.  If he was always distant and pushing you away, that would be a different story.  But if it is just when he is working through something hard, then I think you have to accept that it isn't about you and your feelings at that moment.  So you can tell him how you feel but I think you make the situation even harder on him (the stress he is under) if he also has to worry about making you feel good and secure too.  As your relationship matures, you may not need this constant stream of acceptance and attention from him.  I can allow my husband to get on with what he needs to at a difficult time because I am not worried he is going to leave me.  So as you stay together, I think that will get better.  Unfortunately what won't get better is yoru desire for his attention for you to feel okay.  That is something only you can work on.  If you don't feel it is a problem for you, then that is okay too.  But I am interdependent with my husband vs. dependent on him.  You will be a happier person if you find the things inside that you need to feel satisfied, worthy, valuable rather than looking to another for it.  Sure, I love that my  husband loves me and makes me feel like a hot mama (literally), brilliant, hysterically funny.  I love all of that.  But when he is having a difficult time, I can survive on what is inside of me telling me those things until he is available again.  That is all I am saying.  No judgement  here.  I do get where you are coming from.  I'm just trying to help you sort it out so that you can be the happiest self you can be.  And if you don't agree with me, that is okay.  It is just my opinion and nothing more.  I wish you luck.

[cutipup100]

He is one that handles his stress by withdrawing in order to keep from taking it out on someone else, and thats ok. <---THIS IS SOOO TRUE! it is so hard for me to truly understand how he can just distance himself like that, since I love being a verbal communicator and love to talk it out. I am a very outgoing person and talk to anyone and everyone, I am also very open. I do love him and this is the last shot I am giving at this so I want to give it a real last shot with him rather then just leaving him and saying "what if." He does tell me things when I ask him too but its more like upset and angry and he says "if I talk about it what good it is gana do?" "the problem is still going to be there" I assume that me pulling back will do some justice. Its just so hard when this is something I am not used to, but I should do what it takes when this issue has come into play before. How is your relationship now? still the same? is he any better then before with communicating more effectively?

[cutipup100]

wow great advice. thank you both of you! I really appreciate your thought out responses and examples.

Judy- I have taken COM classes too in school and I have a wonderful COM teacher she has tought me how to approach these sorts of problems and I have approached them similarly as you stated above. I have always tried to use "I feel" language and also let him know I am here for him if and when he needs me. he states to me that he will come to me when hes ready and that sometimes I get annoying cause I always want to talk and I sometimes pressure him to come to be about things. I am a very open person so it is difficult for me to be understanding of this although I am trying. He gets like this at times and I understand what you way when you say I am at high risk of infidelity because recently I have tried to put myself in his shoes too and I try and back away it is just very hard because its something I am not used to. We have had a lot of issues in the past, this being a main issue a lot of the time and I am so scared of him leaving like he has other times. I guess he needs time to himself but how much time is too much time?

To specialmom:
Thank you for showing me the exmple of you and your husband. I wish it was easier for me to act the way you do. I don't know why it isn't but it just isn't easy. I like to feel close to him and I guess in a way maybe I am somewhat clingy I just never really noticed. I try and be there but I guess I harp too much rather then really giving him the space he needs. Is it so bad that I desire his attention? he says he won't leave but how can I be so sure? also same question I had asked judy,  he needs time to himself but how much time is too much time?

sholud I pull back from the texting and calling and see if he comes to me?

[teko]

Your man is not a talker. He is one that handles his stress by withdrawing in order to keep from taking it out on someone else, and thats ok. My husband will do the same thing, and like you there were times when I thought if we could talk it thru it would help. But then he did not want to and I pressed the issue and we would end up in a fight and he would stalk out. Then the silent treatment was on until whatever was on his mind was taken care of. THEN he wanted to talk. Yep, drove me crazy it did, but I learned that is just the way he is and now I back off and go do my own thing and I know when he has worked it thru he will let me know what is going on. The posters above pretty much covered everything but I did want to let you know that some people are just that way and you really do need (for the sake of your relationship together), to learn to give him his space and things will work themselves out. I am a whole lot older than you and I learned the hard way. Seems to be my thing, learning the hard way that is.  Good luck.

[specialmom]

Good advice Judy.  I just wanted to add that when someone is distancing because they are under stress-----  it will be a problem if you add to stress by saying "but what about me . . ."  Your role during his stress is to be of comfort and help to him and make it about him.  You can do this by saying things like "I'm always here for you if you need me" or " I can listen and help any way you would like".  But if you stamp your foot and start texting, calling and acting somewhat frantic at those high stress times, it would be unwelcome to anyone.  I think you two got into this relationship at a young age and he is showing progress in how he handles stress in that he doesn't walk away.  That is hopeful.  You also need to progress in your ability to give the man in your life what HE needs when dealing with his issues.  Example:  my husband has a very stressful job and at times it is more difficult than others.  He may have a few days juggling several things at once and be feeling overwhelmed.  I do not think of my feelings at those times---------  I try to help him.  I make home life easier, ask if there is anything he needs me to do such as dry cleaners or errands, I do not bother him with trivial stuff.  When the stress is over, he thanks me for being understanding and I'm happy to have my regular husband back.  That is how we work out stressful periods for one or the other in our marriage.  Some people do withdraw into themselves but as they become closer and closer, they do that less.  But not so much for the other person's sake but for their own because they count on the other person.  I think because of your history with this guy-----  the on again and off again ----  you may freak out when he is distancing.  I think you can probably work through that.  But I agree with Judy about the red flag of "needing attention  . . .".  That is not a good sign.  Relationships are for good times and bad and if we are so easily swayed by the attention of another during the bad, that is not hopeful for your future together.  Work on feeling good from within and not trying to seek it outside.  That way you are in a relationship because you want to be and not because you need to be to feel good about yourself.  goodluck

[Judy246]

opps...I meant  "your needs not being fulfilled and reversing this to what can he do to resolve your concerns" and "I have a lot on my mind"...sorry, I just type away without proof reading.

[Judy246]

The first "red flag" that I caught immediate was your comment, " I am very used to getting attention from exs and other people I used to see so its very hard to adjust to this and this is one thing I don't like about him" My interpretation of this comment is you like and need attention, which does make you needy and you are high risk for infidelity if the opportunity is there and is right. Also, the relationship is lacking effective communication. When he has issues goes into his own world and you also have fears of losing him and there is where other mens attention can be a potential threat to the relationship. When problems arise in a relationship, you don't solve them by wanting to run and leave everytime. The foundation of all relationship are communication and trust and he is not  communicating effectively to discuss your needs and there is where problems will arise.

It's time to fine the right time to discuss the issues that are bothering you and need to be address, which means his backing away from you, your needs not being fullfilled and reverset this to what can he do to resolve your concern about his backing away and not letting you in so to speak and what you want and need emotionally from him to avoid a break up or worse, leaving him for another man.

Start by telling him that, "I have alot on your mind and concerns about our relationship that I would like to discuss with you, do you have some time when we can talk?, Try to avoid the discussion from becoming an argument or using words that might esclate to an argument ok. Tell him, "I'm concern that when you have a lot on your mind, you are not comfortable "discussing" them with me," also, "I'm also concern that you are not spending more quality time, just the two of us lately and I want to know is there something on your mind that you want to talk about, or is there something that I can do to help you and for us to communicate better?. " I love you and I'm concern at how you are handing problems by backing away from me and how can we resolve issues together"....I can go on and on and it helps that I have a B.A. from DePaul University in Communications. It is all in approach and right words of concern and also ask him what can he do to help the relationship communicate better. Good luck and I hope this helps a little :) Judy