Making Sense of Unintentional Betrayal

[brlnut]

Do people with a bipolar disorder handle unintentional betrayal differently than others? What about if they feel a betrayal of something they learn of after they go snooping in someone's private messages?

[RockRose]

Hm.  Well it seems the original poster is long lost,  and won't return to see the responses.

So I don't know why I feel compelled to talk about him in his absence - but his profile says that he's male,  and from his writing style,  I agree he's probably male and the betrayed partner is a woman.   On the other hand,  the poster used the very off "they" instead of naming gender,  so it might be a male partner.  Hard to say.

I just don't think there's any hope at all that a woman who felt betrayed (wrongly or rightly) will forgive after a year of not forgiving,  especially if she is bipolar.  

I really am astonished at what imagined insults some women friends I know - and have known for 20 years or so - hang on to and chew on and chew on and chew on,  things that to me seem like the silliest of  misunderstandings.  Something gets stuck in their craw,  and they just can't shake loose of it.  

[specialmom]

Truth is though, it doesn't matter how WE feel about it. He's told her it feels like betrayal to him.  Since they were broken up and had gotten together, there might be some history we may be missing.  It hurt him and he acted on it to end the relationship.

I have something that wouldn't seem like a big deal to your average joe.  I could post about it here and you all would be like 'whatever'.  But it is personal and I don't talk about it.  My husband knows.  It would hurt me if he shared it.  If I were trying to evaluate if I could trust him again and knew he understand how sensitive I was to the subject, his writing about it (and who knows how it was presented, could have been very hurtful) to a friend (which ALSO may factor into my feelings on it depending on which friend)---  I could see myself feeling betrayed.  I could see myself not trusting him anymore and once you don't trust someone, what is the point?  

So, I don't know if his feelings are valid or not.  maybe not.  maybe.

But either way, they are his feelings and he has ended it with her over it which is his prerogative.  Everyone is different for what their boundaries are.  

[TTinKKerBBell]

I too wouldn't call this 'betrayal'.  You had a conversation with an old friend a year ago regarding a relationship that had ended,  it wasn't a 'current' relationship You were discussing with Your Friend - I think that should get You 'off the hook'.

[Londres70]

Some things need to be left private and not discussed with everyone.  I would put mental health issues in that category.

Would I call this betrayal?  No.  I will call it not using discretion.

[specialmom]

It would really hurt me to see my mental health issues discussed with a friend of my husband.  some things we expect privacy with.  I would not be okay with my husband sending out an email discussing my private business.  but that is just me.

rockrose is right, whether you feel it is a betrayal or not, he does.  He can act on that feeling and break it off. and as he was your ex at the time of the email, perhaps it is all just carry over with the problems he feels you two were having any way.  (pre existing the perceived betrayal).  

good luck

[RockRose]

I don't think you'll ever be forgiven for this.  

Although I don't consider it a betrayal,  he/she does,  and let me tell you when women think their partner or a very close friend has betrayed them,  they never get over it.  Ever.

I was in a women's group where the topic one day was "forgiveness", and let me tell you,  the things that these women can NOT forgive,  and ache to be forgiven for,  is unintentional betrayal.

[TTinKKerBBell]

I agree that You were not "betraying" anyone, rather You were communicating with a Friend about Your experience.  I don't feel You 'betrayed' Him when You did that.  You just put a 'word' to what You 'thought' might be the problem - doesn't mean You were right or wrong - it was just a confidence You were sharing with a Friend.  Perhaps Him searching out a year old message on Your phone and on Your FB could be construed as a 'betrayal' on His part(?)
.....just saying

No, in my own personal opinion, You did not 'betray' Him in that conversation with Your Friend

[specialmom]

I still have no idea what you are asking so will go with the question you wrote.  I think bipolar and non bipolar people both react to what they perceive as betrayal the same.  It hurts and they may go into protective mode.  

I don't know what 'they' went into my phone means and internet, etc.  

I guess he felt like you were talking about him in a negative way behind his back including about his diagnosis of mental health problems.

It is what it is.  I think you have to move on. good luck

[brlnut]

I posted a private message to an old friend about my experience in my recently ended relationship. I was defending my ex when I told the friend they were bipolar not crazy. That was over a year ago. I hadn't erased the message. I reunited with my ex, and they in turn went in my phone, onto the internet, to fb and my inbox finding the message I had forgotten about. I was accused of betrayal.

The relationship was over before I even talked to my old friend. How is that betrayal?

[Londres70]

More details needed.

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, I'm not sure what you are talking about.  My theory in snooping is that it is generally not a good practice.  UNLESS you have been given some kind of reason to do so.  I don't snoop on my husband nor does he on me.  But we are pretty rock solid boring and don't give each other any reasons to think snooping would result in anything other than a yawn fest.  

But what is unintentional betrayal?  The person didn't know appropriate boundaries?  Betrayed someone against their will?  I am not sure what you mean by unintentional betrayal.  Can you explain that.

And, if you found out someone has cheated or something like that via their phone . ..   well, the cheating trumps the act of snooping in my opinion.  /the person is busted no matter how you got to the information.  

So, I guess more details on what is going on would be helpful.