how to help my husband

[girliegrl1723]

my husband is unhappy. he is not unhappy with me, but with our present situation. we are newly married (1 year in sept.) and have a 14 month old son. we come from very different backgrounds but love eachother very much, generally get along very well and have a great time. i knew at the time we were getting married, one major concern of mine was that his immediate family lives in colorado. we reside here in nj with the entirety of my family and some of his extended family. the major difference in our backgrounds are that he was brought up with his family moving around fairly often whereas i have live in one town my whole life. we talked about this at great length before getting married and he told me he would stay here in nj with me and raise our family together. my father has been ill for a long time, in and out of the hospital and my mother is my best friend. i couldn't bear leaving either one of them. well, lately, my husband has been talking more and more about moving out to colorado and the stress of the topic is weighing on both of us. it is starting to effect us in every way possible and its so hard because there is no common ground. i don't want to leave my family - my support system and he wants his family - his support system. to me, it doesn't seem fair to take me away from my family just to be closer to his while it also isn't fair to keep him from his family so i could be with mine. we don't have the $$ to visit colorado as often as we'd like, but his family does make an effort to come visit us here quite a bit. he was originally born here in nj and so like i said - he has some extended family here that we also see on a regular basis. but he thinks colorado will be a better life for us. he says can work with his dad's family business, the cost of living is less and the small town in which he grew up is peaceful (he says peaceful, i say middle of nowhere) i am a nj girl born and raised. i have always worked. i have always hussled around this busy state without blinking an eye. leaving here for a town of a handful of people with nothing but a walmart isn't so appealing to me. but i don't want him to be unhappy either. its also frustrating because he talks and talks about it, but has yet to come to me with any sort of PLAN. i can't imagine just picking up and leaving one day with nothing but a hope that it will all work out okay. we don't have $$ saved for that sort of risk and if for any reason it doesn't work out, we'll have nothing to come back to. we'll both have to quit our jobs to leave and we only rent a house now, so, i guess im just scared. my husband is a plumber by trade but he is good at anything he tries to do. he has been a mason, carpenter, etc. and right now does well with this company but is unhappy. works too many hours for not enough pay and all the $$ we make goes to out of control bills. so he is unhappy that he cannot enjoy the fruits of his labor, cannot live where he wants to live and because cannot see his family. i totally understand 100% but am clueless as how to fix it.

[mami1323]

Can you perhaps rent over there so if it were to not work out you could always come back?  Maybe sublease your current place?  Maybe he just wants a change of environment and feels like he will have a better opportunity working with his dad.  Maybe he feels like he can provide more for you and Edward there.  I know you would hate to leave your family, I would feel the same way but sometimes we have to compromise and give his idea a try.  

Good luck and I really hope you both can come up with some ideas so you guys will both be happy.

[girliegrl1723]

thankyou so much for your insight.  we have talked more about it over the weekend and i have told him that i woul dbe more open to considering such a big change if and when there is a plan. the biggest issue for me, like you said, is finances and security. if we have enough $$ saved to pay our bills for a few months while he gets settled and his parents are willing to help us out and maybe let us staywith them for a few months while we look for a place to live, then we talk more seriously about it. he understands, but, like you said, im pretty sure part of him just wants to "run away" and start over. i tried explaining to him that there are problems with money and every thing else anywhere you go. not just here in nj. the grass isn't always greener on the other side, its just what you make of it. the thought of leaving my parents breaks my heart, but if this truly is the better choice for my family, i can't deny my husband at the very least, giving it a shot. we'll see. thanks again for your help!

[Jaybay]

The key word I'm hearing is PLAN.  I totally understand your situation, because I've been through the same thing myself.  Hubby's pipe dreams of moving out to the "country" so he can be "happy" don't translate into paying the paying the bills.

First, don't just slam his dreams down by saying NO without backing it up.  It's completely understandable (and reasonable) that you don't want to uproot your lives for something that may well end up being worse for all of you.  If this move involved a big career opportunity, then it would make more sense.  It sounds more like he's grasping at straws because he's depressed and not seeing that life can get any better.  It's a difficult adjustment being newly married and raising a baby.  Perhaps the reality has hit him over the head a little harder than he expected.  You mention your bills are out of control, and I'll bet he wants nothing more than to run back home and escape it.

Second, you two need to have a frank discussion about relocating and more important, your finances.  Be open to at least the idea of it, but get out paper and pencil and work out a budget and a plan to make it happen.  From what you write of your finances, it's going to be some time before you can afford to move anywhere, much less out of state.  Seeing it in black and white just might get him to understand that it's a dream right now, but could become a reality with some planning.  I have a sense that it's going to be up to you to do the hardcore planning and budgeting.  Give him something to work for.  Set up that savings account and discuss it every time a deposit goes in.  If he really wants to go back to Colorado, you're both going to have to work and save to make it happen - together.  In the time that takes, he may just decide he's better off where he's at, and you can use that money for a house or something else.

I also understand you not wanting to leave your family and hometown and everything that is familiar.  On the other hand, you have your own family now.  You will always be your parents' daughter no matter where you live, but you are now a wife and a mother in your own right.  You have other, and frankly more important, people to consider.  What is going to be the best thing for your marriage and your child?