Making up for cheating

[boogiefly]

Hello, its me again.  I was the one feeling guilty about cheating on my boyfriend by kissing someone 7 years ago.  Well I am trying to work through my guilt still, and I am trying to treat my boyfriend with complete and total respect.  I haven't lied to him about ANYTHING since 3 years ago, since I told him I had cheated.  I have tried  to be as nice to him as possible.  He says I treat him like crap and he is sick of it.  I don't know what I do wrong.  When I ask him, he says I badger him with questions, and I don't let him have his own opinion.  He says I do this when I just tell him what my opinion is.  I have discovered recently that we communicate differently, so I am trying to communicate to him the best I can, but it never seems good enough.  He always takes me the wrong way.  This has been happening since before I cheated.  I never felt like I could tell him anything, because he always gets so mad.  Today (and usually everyday) I told him how wonderful and gorgeous he was, and everytime I compliment him, he tells me he has to hang up or he dismisses it.  Today I asked him why he does this, and he told me because he doesn't believe what I am saying, because I was telling him the same thing when I cheated, and the whole time that I had kept it from him.  But this was a long time ago, and I am trying to be nice to him, like he asked me to, and also, I am trying to tell him how I feel about him (the nice things I feel), and he doesn't acknowledge it at all.  So my question is how the hell am I supposed to make this up to him, when he doesn't see what I am doing to change the mistake?  I do all kinds of things for him like I do his laundry, I wait on him hand and foot, I don't give him crap for playing video games all day long (literally) on our only TV, I have sex with him anytime he wants and even when he doesn't ask ( and I am VERY giving, I watch porn, and EVERYTHING with him), I do all the housework and he never has to.  His arguement is that I would do those things anyway, but the truth is, I have felt guilty since we have moved in together, so he doesn't really know that I would only do half of these things.  I just don't know what else to do.  He says I can not harass him, but I don't see how I do that.  Any ideas of what else I can do.  I have already agreed to have a threesome whenever we can find someone to participate, so I just don't get how to make it up to him.  He says I have to figure it out.

[boogiefly]

I'm in the process of doing all of these activities
Thanks for all of your help you all

[mami1323]

Heehee I noticed that to...lol.

[specialmom]

Mami----- lol!!!  We are still doing it!!!!

[specialmom]

Here is my  advice to you boogiefly and I really mean this-----  you need to pursue some things in your life besides your relationship. It sounds like you spend a tremendous time plotting and planning and worrying and carrying on about your relationship---  both past and present.  That gets very old.   How is your career?  How are the relationships with your friends going?  Do you work out?  Do you have any hobbies that you are passionate about?  By becoming happier with yourself, you will be a better partner whether it is with your current boyfriend or someone else.  

When cheating has occured, it is sometimes impossible for someone to completely forget.  Quit reminding him.  He is telling you this----  he is trying to get over it-----  and you won't let it die.  No, he may not be over it yet----  but he may be trying to be.  
Judy's advice is good, follow that.  And please try to bolster your own things about you that are seperate from him.  Good luck  

[mami1323]

I think you focus too much on your boyfriend. He probably feels that to and is annoyed. Go find a hobby or spend time with friends. Gain some independence and confidence and perhaps then he will be chasing after you and not the other way around.

[boogiefly]

I understand what you are saying, its just hard for me to back off when we live together and I see him upset. Most of the time he is ok, just this week he is being cold and distant. Usually when he comes home from work he comes to bed and gives me a hug, and lately he won't even touch me. All he says is that I'm mean to him and i smother him. So I will try to do what you said.

[Judy246]

Guys aren't as warm and fuzzy as women are. They don't care to hear that they are beautiful and wonderful...no offense ok, it's just reality from experience. If he told you he has forgiven you, take it and run. He has forgiven you, so you don't have to go overboard to please and forgive. Just be yourself, back off a little, give him his space and who knows, he just might ask you out for dinner :) Good luck.

[boogiefly]

Well that's the thing, this time I didn't even bring it up. I called him just to see how he was doing and I told him he is beautiful and wonderful and he just said he had to go. He said he doesn't believe that I feel that way because I cheated on him and treat him like crap. So what do I do. He said he forgave me, but this doesn't feel like foregiveness.

[Judy246]

7 years of guilt? It is time to move on from the past drama. He has told him that your guilt is resulting in you being overbearing and if this continues, he will leave you.  I applaud you for attempting to communicate constructively with him, but apparently something is not working out here.

LET THE CHEATING SUBJECT GO! This happened 7 years ago, let it go. If you continue to bring up the past and live in the past, you will be stuck and can't mover forward. Time to forgive yourself as he has forgiving you and move on or it will be a matter of time that he will leave you, not because of the cheating, but because of the overbearing behavior. Start by just being yourself and not have to prove to him anything anymore and stop catering to him hand and foot, because it is turning him off. Just be you and forgive yourself, accept yourself and everything will fall into place.

[specialmom]

Just to add to what mami's good advice---  um a threesome won't make him love you better, it will convince him it is fun to have sex with other people.  

I think this ship has sailed with this relationship, to be honest.  Starting fresh with someone new is your greatest chance at happiness.

[mami1323]

You can't pay for what you did forever.  He's got to work on moving past it.  If he can't then there is no point in staying to make it work.  He will never be happy and he will never let you be happy.  Just move on.