Should I just give up on us...?

[leaffan89]

Hello, so the story is that me and my bf have been dating for over a year now, it's been a rocky road of fights here n there, we would have a good period then a bad one, I don't think much of t bc my view on it is, is that fighting here n there isn't the worse thing, normal couples do fight right, like we're not physically fighting but it does get dirty n sometimes names are dropped, but then we rak it out, but his view on fighting  is unhealthy, here said he's never fought this much with his last gfs ever, he said he can't handle the drama, and so bc of that, yesterday he said he couldn't do this anymore, he thinks this fighting will keep getting more worse, says my eyes are always sad, I'm probably sad looking bc I'm scared everything I do is gunna result in us breaking up..he said I'm too fixated on the relationship than myself which is true I guess.. But that's out of fear I think we're gunna break up, he also said he feels tied down, he feels more relaxed when I'm not here, which hurt a lot to hear, he said he's never really had that chance to be single and just do himself bc there was a two month period in between me n his ex of 5 years, but I said then undid u pursue me if u weren't ready.. He also said he doesn't want to be serious, he's not ready.. Which I find it hard bc we have been dating for so long it's hard not too..he has a house with his friend and I still live with my parents so of course I rather be at his house than mine, but I think that's not giving him enough space? Either way I talked him out of breaking up with me, pleaded that we can try to be happier, no more fighting at all and he agreed but I still feel hurt that he wud even think of breaking up with me, or shud I just be grateful he did take me back.. I'm gunna try my best to be the happiest I can b for me n him but deep down it still frigin hurts and I'm scared he doesn't really want ne and he'll just break up with me, I think about stuff way to much for my own good :( any advice would be great, thanks

[TTinKKerBBell]

You've had good advice here -

He's telling You that He's "not ready" and You need to take that seriously.  It's a kind and polite way to tell You He isn't looking to make this relationship permanent.  There's nothing You can do or say that You haven't already done or said.  If He's "not ready" that's a very gentle way to let You know He doesn't want to pursue the relationship any further.

  

[Londres70]

Yeah, it isn't fun to hear the responses, but I think we would be doing a disservice if we tell you what we think you want to hear vs. what you need to hear.  Just don't want to see you seriously hurting in the end.  

He's told you what he needed and you know what you need and it just doesn't jive.  

"maybe I should actually ask him if he is happy and if he says no maybe the best thing to IS let him go, I don't understand how this didn't work out :( ".......Do ask him if he is happy and see what he says.  It just isn't working because you two aren't looking for the same things at this time.  Remember.....he just came out of a very long relationship before you and he were together and now he wants a break from relationships at this time.  There really isn't anything not to understand about why it isn't working.

[nursegirl6572]

Sweetie, I know this isn't easy and it isn't easy to hear the answers, but IMO, he's being VERY honest with you and he's telling you very clearly that he is not invested in this relationship like you are.  It sounds like he's been wanting to break it off for a while, but probably was finding it hard to do so.  "Talking him into" not breaking up isn't the answer.  That's not going to fix the things that are going on, which is way more than just fighting.  He's not happy and does not want to be in a relationship.  You can't "work on" that or fix it.  That's just the honest to goodness truth.  It's much better that he's being forthcoming with you, rather than trying to give you false hopes, or leading you to believe that things are better than they are.

It sounds like you're very codependent and have neglected your own life and own sense for of him and the relationship with him.  That's not healthy and is something you need to work on yourself before you can ever expect to be in a successful relationship with him or anyone else.

I know it's hard, and you will be hurt for a while, but I think you need to let him go and start working on yourself for a while.  He's not mincing words with you, he's come right out and told you the (difficult) truth.  You need to respect that and honor his wishes.  You cannot force someone to stay in a relationship they're not satisfied in.  Even if you were to stay together, it wouldn't be good, because you will always have that fear and insecurity of breaking up, being that you know how he feels, and he will just develop resentment toward you for pressuring him into staying.  I'm sure it's difficult for him, as I'm sure he doesn't want to hurt you.  

Time to move on, grieve the relationship, and start working on YOU being happy with yourself and your own life.  Very best to you, I'm sorry you're going through this, it is very hard, no doubt, but you'll come out on the other side, most likely stronger and wiser...I promise

[luckymommy13]

Hunny I'm in that situation now. Me and bd are not together and wasn't before i got pregnant. We broke up 2 months before bc he wasn't ready. Respect him telling you the truth cause cheating on you would be way worst. Him being with you because that's what you want will hurt you in the end. Give him some space. You can't make a relationship work by yourself it takes 2. Its hard to hear but with time you will save yourself a lot of heart ache.

[leaffan89]

Hey., I was afraid I would get these answers.. Not fun at all to hear..  he's such anice guy and I've fallen so much in love it's him and I have seen a future with him, I don't  think I cud just let this fall apart, if he's willing to try again maybe there still is hope,  maybe I should actually ask him if he is happy and if he says no maybe the best thing to IS let him go, I don't understand how this didn't work out :(

[Londres70]

You two are looking for different things, i.e. he is not ready for anything serious and you are.

Sounds like you are not going to be any happier with this man you've begged to stay with you if you are going to be constantly worried that he might leave you which by the way is a high possibility because he sounds unhappy.  Then you are changing this and that about yourself to make it work.  In the end he might even start to resent you.

"he also said he feels tied down, he feels more relaxed when I'm not here, which hurt a lot to hear, he said he's never really had that chance to be single and just do himself bc there was a two month period in between me n his ex of 5 years, but I said then undid u pursue me if u weren't ready.. He also said he doesn't want to be serious, he's not ready.".......He isn't happy and if you truly care about him and his happiness you will let him go as you are only thinking of your happiness and what you want.

Is it going to be the end of the world if he ends things?  I don't think so.

Let this go and find someone looking for what you are looking for.

[Life360_Dave]

Hi , this is not a healthy relationship for you. You are on the defensive and seeking a commitment from him and he is not ready because his love for you is not there yet and may never be.

Ive been in relationships just as you and never turned out to my advantage and was hurt in the end. Part of your desire is based on being rejected and this can be confused with lvove
Your constantly living on the edge with him and from what youve wrote will do anything to make him yours.

You giving up yourself for him which is the worse thing anyone can do because will its all said and done and the dust settles and your 65 years old, the only person that will be there for you will be YOU!

You cant make him love your by compromising you total being, people love someone because they do, its that simple.