My daughters controlling boyfriend

[Kirkwood45]

My daughter is 18 she is a senoir in high school, and has been dating the same boy on and off for the past 4 years.  She has broken up with him 4 or 5 times and always goes back to him.  He is very controlling he needs to know her every move, if she does not check in with him, he starts calling her friends, her family, and even us her parents.  She has cut off contact with most of her friends, and when we go out to dinner, vacation or whatever he is constantly texting her.  He claims he is just worried about her, when she confronts him about it, he says he will change and it lasts a week or so and it comes right back.  She has changed her behavior, she use to be fun loving, energetic, and fun to be around.  Now she is critical, tired, and sometimes mean.  We have tried to talk with her but she claims, we just don't like him, she always makes excuses for his behavior and takes the blame for him acting the way he does.  We are at our wits end, and we feel if something does not change soon, she will be stuck having to make a choice between her family or this loser boyfriend.

[jo929]

I feel for you, but you are wasting your time, also your breath,the more you talk against him.the more she will go to him ,and you may be pushing her into his arms so to speak
i have raised 3 daughters, i tried with the oldest, and like you it did not work,in later years, she said mom i wished that i had of listened to you, at a certain age kids think they are smarter than mom and dad with the other 2, i was very careful, but i would not let my daughters date until they were 16, they were allowed out with a group of both sex, but i put my foot down when they wanted to date younger, For some reson they abided by my rules, they did walk home from school and things like that, and after they started dating, i would venture, a suggestion, but that was it  I wish you lots of luck, just be there, when she needs you      jo

[crystal23851]

I also agree with Isabelle1963. I am 22 and have been in that situation and I can say your daughter isn't going to listen. To her it does seem that you just dont like him. If need be I would even say send her away without a cell phone to out of state relatives or close family friends. Make sure she can not contact him and he can not contact her. Because lets face it he isnt going to change regardless if he says he will.

[AHP84]

I agree with Isabelle1963, and do what you can for your daughter without words, because she's not going to listen.

Up until last year, I was practically in your daughter's situation (and my family in your situation). I had been with my ex bf from the ages of 14-22, and we have a son together. During those 8 years, my mom and friends consistently tried to tell me he was controling, emotionally abusive, irresponsible and immature. The weird thing is, I secretly agreed with them and knew what I was involved in, but I was too weak to let him go because his control, manipulation, and emotional abuse had gotten the better of me.
It had gotten to the point where I was becoming riddled with depression and anxiety last year and secretly cutting and bruising myself. He was also slowly trying to separate me from my family altogether. I was miserable but didn't know what to do--he didn't want me associating with my mom and sister (with whom I have my closest family relationships) and I was afraid of how he'd react if I did, and I didn't want to tell them anything anyway because I not only didn't want to stress them out, but I didn't want to get another lecture or look that said, "You need to get out of that relationship."
I wanted to take care of myself and solve my own problems, but I wasn't doing a very good job.
Sadly, my wake-up call happened because of my son. My ex was raving mad at me one afternoon for renting a movie he didn't want. My son was standing in the doorway of the living room watching his father yell and swear at me, and he was so scared he was about to cry. I asked my ex if he could wait to talk about this till later that night when our son would be asleep, but he went and grabbed my son and carried him crying to his room for "time out" for "not going away so Daddy and Mommy could talk." Then he yelled at my son and told him if he tried to come out of his room, he'd get a spanking (he'd already displayed mild physically abusive behavior to our son the previous month).
That was it for me. That's what it took to get it through my head that the relationship had to end. No one had to lecture me or warn me anymore or give me disapproving and disappointed looks.
Hopefully your daughter won't have to come to that point and she can come to her senses now rather than later. She will need her own "wake-up call" though. But really, all you can do is hope and pray that you can influence her wake-up call instead of it being influenced by her own endangered life, child, or family.
Don't give up trying to talk to her in a loving, supportive way. I can tell you, the absolute most important thing you can let her know is that no matter what, you'll always be there for her if she calls out for you.

[Isabelle1963]

I was in a similar situation [mentally abusive and controlling marriage when i was 18]
Save your breath and instead go out to the local abuse shelter and gather some pamplets and lay them in her room.  Find one that centers on Control issues and symptoms of mental abuse.  It should give you some warning signs of what to watch for [for her] and to help her understand it's not her that's causing the problem.  Unfortunately for my Parents, i wouldn't listen to them until my Mother [who i greatly respect] handed one to me without a single word and i read it. It definitely changed my life and i began feeling better about myself!  Hopefully this will help.

Isabelle