My son and daughter-in-law hate me

[Lizzytish1313]

It's been two years. I've left them alone. I only called once to ask how they were and ended the conversation before it could turn to me for fear I'd start crying. See, if I start crying, he accuses me of drama, so I can't TALK to him about anything except how well THEY are doing in their new jobs and in their new location. I question my motives. Do I want them to acknowledge how horribly they've treated me? Yeah, sure, but that's not a good reason to try and reconnect. I am deeply hurt to be sure. Maybe I should forget I bred, bore, and raised this man and saw to his every need and to his education and supported him in ALL things. He had a computer when I wouldn't spare the money to buy one for myself; when he needed a car and I couldn't buy one for him, I gave him MY car and I bumped around in an antique pickup truck. I am so hurt that I don't know how to live these last years out ... I can't seem to forget and move on hard as I try. I busy myself, and I do have some friends, but I'm an inner mess one heartbeat at a time away from tears. Can anyone offer advice? How do I live like this?

[Lizzytish1313]

There is no question about why. There's nothing mysterious about my son's estrangement from me. I'm not going into the specifics here, but elder abuse and abandonment is a real problem and denial isn't the answer. I'm not suggesting that the existing laws concerning filial responsibility should be enforced, but I think their spirit ought to be considered as should the statistics as the baby boomer generation grows old. There is a human transaction, call it a circle of life, that includes the elderly in it whether sons and daughters want to embrace them or not . So there's a half of a bargain that people with parents in my generation don't want to deal with. It's unity in denial. I'm not saying you, RockRose, have done any such thing. I'm just trying to permeate the wall of denial people have about elder abuse and abandonment.

[RockRose]

Elder abuse and abandonment does happen,  like child abuse and abandonment,  and spousal abuse and abandonment happens.

Since none of us here know you and you aren't willing to discuss details,  I think the big picture here and the message is that you can only control your own self and you can't control others.

If you think you've done nothing wrong whatsoever,  and it is no fault of your own whatsoever that you are now estranged from your son,  there's nothing at all you can do.

If you DO find that you made mistakes that you regret,  and may have apologies to make,  there is hope that this might get mended.

Best wishes.

[RockRose]

Another thought - filial responsibility laws are financial in nature,  and don't have anything to do with a warm relationship.

The spirit of the filial laws is the government is tired of supporting indigent elderly if there's money in the family to do it instead of the state.    Same idea as going after biological dads and forcing them to pay child support for single moms in poverty so the state doesn't have that burden,  but child support laws also don't mandate a warm personal relationship.  

You don't say whether you're indigent,  but if you are,  you might consider looking into that.  Otherwise those laws won't apply.

[Lizzytish1313]

I have made my amends two years ago. My letter to my daughter-in-law who swore I had offended her, but would not say how, was 100% apology and 0% blame. My side of that street is clean. Additionally, I haven't tried to speak to them of any of these issues in two years.

I live in subsidized housing paid for by the State of California.

In 2012 my daughter-in-law's dog (Newfoundland) (just playfully) knocked me down and crippled me. Two surgeries have failed to fix it.

Son and daughter-in-law make high six figures.

Are there any other DETAILS needed?

I should let them know that they have a very supportive community here should they ever need it.

[RockRose]

Lizzy,  I'm sorry I've come off as unsupportive,  but you've been very thin  on details.

I wish you the best.    I understand you are frustrated,  but I haven't been the cause of your difficulties.  Just trying to help you sort through them with very little information.

You're kind of swinging a scythe around at anyone who is trying to listen to your story and help you sort things out.  

[thirdtimemum]

Lizzytish, i feel for you, i really do. I kind of know where you are coming from, my son is only nearly 12, and i already feel he has abandoned me, 3 weeks ago he left me to go live with his father, and the attitude, everything seems to have changed already. I too question how children can just have total disregard to the parents who have given birth to them, raised and cared for them, and bore all financial responsibilities for them. It is beyond me, but like i say, my son is only 12, and i see how he is too young to comprehend this, but i can only imagine how it must feel for you having an adult son treat you like this. Sometimes, we'll never know the answer, and as heartbreaking and gut-wrenching as it is, we have to accept it and let it go. Does your son and his wife have children? Sometimes it takes until they are parents themselves to totally get this kind of situation. I know its hard, but just let them be, maybe one day when they are ready they will talk to you, but in the mean time, just do what you would normally do as a mum, call for birthdays and christmas, send cards or gifts, don't question anything, just let them know you remember them and you care. I am dealing with a young son who seems to want me to just get off his back and let him live happily with his father, which i totally support now, but he has just had a knife pulled out on him at his new school, and of course i was shocked and horrified, and have been ringing him out of concern to see if he is ok,(and never once did i say to come back home) but i am met with a tough little boy who says he is fine and happy and for me to stop worrying about him. Well i'm sorry, but mothers never stop caring, and even if he is distant and agitated on the phone to me, i always let him know i love him and miss him and he can call me at any time. Most of the time he doesn't.
I have a step father who has 2 adult sons who haven't spoken to him for 15 years, he has asked them a few times to talk about it and find out whats going on, but no one is willing to talk. There's nothing he can do about it, he has to wait until they are ready, and when they do, i know he will be there with open arms. It's so sad, it really is, but it does happen, and i wish you all the best lizzytish, just remember you are not alone.