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Not feeling 100% fulfilled in my relationship...

I am currently in a relationship with my best friend of 3 years now, and we both have been together for about three months. During those three years, she has told me multiple times (or has hinted at least) that she has liked me, but multiple times I have had a talk with her and said that I just wanted to stay friends; the reason being is because I am horrible when it comes to feelings and being in a relationship. I'll like someone and she'll like me back, but as her feelings for me increase, mine will slowly decrease, and I didn't want that to happen.

This year, however, in January, I was considering the possibility of simply asking her out on a date. There were some feelings that I had for her, and I didn't want to regret not asking her out on a date before she leaves to another University in two years. So I asked her out on a date (just to try things out and see if they would work) and she said yes. We both went out and things went pretty well, aside form the fact that I was nervous as heck. We both agreed that another date could be in order, and it was.

Somewhere in the relationship, she came to the conclusion that we were now boyfriend and girlfriend. I realized this when her Valentine's Day card said "To my Boyfriend.." I didn't want to make things awkward with her, so I just went along with it, and we've been " officially bf/gf" ever since. (for the record, it was probably my fault for not saying anything soon enough, so she is kinda justified for making that assumption)

Things have been going pretty well, I must say. We both are conscious of how relationships work and are mature about it (we don't start unnecessary drama with each other, etc.), and she's independent enough where when I insist I pay for her, she'll refuse.

The "problem" that I am having is how I am currently feeling in the relationship. I don't feel 100% happy around her all of the time. I understand that that is a pretty high expectation for a relationship and I shouldn't shoot that high, but there are times when we're together and I have nothing at all to say, and I feel like the chemistry (on my part) just dies. Upon first greeting each other, sure we'll be flirty and do bf/gf stuff, but after some time during the meeting, that'll just fade away. When I'm not around her, I don't really think about her, and when I do think about her, I don't get any butterflies or anticipation to see her again.

Basically, I don't feel like I have 100% chemistry with her despite the fact that the relationship is going very smoothly. It would be rather awkward to just randomly call things off because of some uncertainty on my part, but I'm not completely fulfilled/satisfied in this relationship, and if this relationship ends up becoming a marriage, I'm not sure i'd want to feel this way in the marriage. I'd want to feel 100% confident that she's the one for me and that I'm willing to do anything for her out of love instead of out of expectations from the relationship rule book.

What should I do? Any thoughts on this?
4 Responses
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973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there and welcome.  Well, in reading your post, I am struck by the fact that this girl really likes you and you her but not as much in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense on your part.  You only got to be that way because she addressed a card to you in this fashion.  

This girl deserves someone who is more into her than you are to be honest.   I would allow her that opportunity.  You are too young to be an old married couple or a couple that lacks passion.  Go back to being her friend.  

I would also comment that you talk about yourself as someone who has a bit of an issue with the push me pull me thing----  someone plays hard to get, you're interested, they want you, less interested.  You like the chase.  Many do!  Don't feel bad.  But, it is a good sign that you aren't ready for a committed, serious relationship.  And why should you be?  You are young.  I would try to date less and have fun with friends more.  It's that time in your life and where your maturity level with dating seems to be.  You sound like a good guy who kind of just got stuck in this situation by circumstance rather than true desire.  So, let her find someone that wants to be with her as much as she wants to be with them so she is in a truly mutual relationship.  

good luck
Helpful - 0
3149845 tn?1506627771
Hi also. Your post is all "a matter of fact" and analytical. When you find the right person, true love off sets all reasoning and being with that person is all the matters. No ands, ifs, or buts about it!


Helpful - 0
973741 tn?1342342773
COMMUNITY LEADER
Truthfully, I was more practical.   I did enter into relationships matter of fact because I didn't want to divorce and wanted a forever partner.  So, I couldn't let just emotion rule things and love is just an emotion.  I had to have practicality involved and absolutely walked away from love when it wasn't practical.  BUT, I had passion and strong feeling right from the beginning with my husband which I don't get a sense of from you.  This is comfortable but not hot and heavy.  You probably need more hot and heavy from the get go ----  but never let just emotion rule your decisions as that so often can be deceiving for long term happiness.  good luck
Helpful - 0
1415482 tn?1459702714
Wow...well. I must say that it is quite commendable that you are so in tune to your feelings. I guess this is why there is a common belief that men and women cannot simply be friends. It doesn't usually work. Some romantic feelings always seem to fester though I do not always believe those feelings are real. I honestly believe it is simply being around one person for an extended amount of time...sharing deep feelings etc, you are bound to feel some degree of infatuation.

That being said, from the get-go, I think you knew this wouldn't work and you weren't into it. I believe you felt a bit pressured into this and though maybe it would all fizzle in a matter of time. However, she is so caught up in what she "thinks" is happening that she is unable to see clearly. However my dear, you are seeing crystal clear, you have a great vision and so it is only natural that you break things off before it gets worse. Unfortunately, things might not go back the way they were...she might be too heartbroken or the friendship may become strained and awkward. On the other hand, not being honest will more likely allow the negative feelings that you are having to increase resulting in an even bigger problem. You may end up doing or saying things that you will regret later. Please be honest and try to salvage what is left of your friendship. Its better to be satisfied in your friendship that to have it all go up in flames.

Good luck with everything!

Anna --
Helpful - 0
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