Aa
rocky relationship
Ok, so here goes. This will probably end up being quite long, so I apologize ahead of time. Mike and I have been together for 14 months. I love him deeply, and I know he loves me. I'm not looking for anyone to judge me, so if you have negative, hurtful comments, please keep them to yourself. He is a sex offender. When he was 19/20 or so he dated and slept with a few girls age 15-19. Parents turned him in, our his friends they were already in trouble reported him for lesser charges. I know he is a good man. He has never done anything inappropriate with me sexually, not has he strayed. before he and I met I cheated on my ex uncountable times with several different men. Since Mike and I have been together I have not strayed,.or even thought of it. He is also a gambler. he enjoys the casino, slots and blackjack. I am in debt up to my eyeballs. We own our own business together. We only fight over money. If he could forget about threw casino, and we could just live our lives together, we could be so happy. I'm a nurse and work 2 jobs to pay the bills, but it seems like I'm working my butt off so that he has money to spend at the casino. 2 nights we got into a big fight over, you guessed it, money and the casino. I know most of the advice in going to get is to get out and move on, to start worrying about myself. We also had a miscarriage in March. I love him and I love his family, and Of losing him., we haven't spoken now for almost 2 full days. I guess I'm just venting. If any one had advice I'm willing to listen. honestly I'm scared to death to lose him. There is of course a lot of my story that I can't explaI
Best Answer
COMMUNITY LEADER
I am goin to be honest. Please take this with the intention I mean it. Mike's issues with money are very very far from the only issue. I agree with Londres that counseling is something you need to get back into.
If I said that you shouldn't date for a full year, what is your gut reaction?
If it is panic, there is a problem. Honestly, you should not be dating right now. You have a very skewed idea of relationships and men. That you take someone that very plainly to an outside observer has issues and in the short time that you've been together, you are working hard to pay his gambling costs and are fighting about it . . . you are willing to try to brush this under the carpet is a red flag that you have unhealthy thinking. And then your reaction to problems (and odd comment that the guy you bumped into and who rejected you (again, very telling about how obvious the situation was) that he is good with money and great in bed) is the red flag that you have a LOT of work to do.
Dating anyone will be dangerous for you until you sort yourself out. I think the gambling boyfriend is not worth any further effort. Dead honest . . . I'm sure other problems will come about (by the way, why do you want to support a man? What kind of work does this man do?).
I just empower you to really look at how things are going in your life and think about where you can make some changes to get it on track. I wish you much much luck.
If I said that you shouldn't date for a full year, what is your gut reaction?
If it is panic, there is a problem. Honestly, you should not be dating right now. You have a very skewed idea of relationships and men. That you take someone that very plainly to an outside observer has issues and in the short time that you've been together, you are working hard to pay his gambling costs and are fighting about it . . . you are willing to try to brush this under the carpet is a red flag that you have unhealthy thinking. And then your reaction to problems (and odd comment that the guy you bumped into and who rejected you (again, very telling about how obvious the situation was) that he is good with money and great in bed) is the red flag that you have a LOT of work to do.
Dating anyone will be dangerous for you until you sort yourself out. I think the gambling boyfriend is not worth any further effort. Dead honest . . . I'm sure other problems will come about (by the way, why do you want to support a man? What kind of work does this man do?).
I just empower you to really look at how things are going in your life and think about where you can make some changes to get it on track. I wish you much much luck.
Your statement...."So, honestly with Mike the money thing is really the only issue." Dear, it may be the "only" issue, but it is a SERIOUS issue. You don't need ALOT of serious issues to have an unhealthy relationship.
You were just trying to be with Lance Saturday night while you are still with Mike.......what are you doing?
Do you really think it is healthy for you to work two jobs to support your bf's gambling addiction?
Will say you are very co-dependent.......you are with someone with a gambling addiction and you have this sexual addiction.
Have you ever sought counseling that just focused on this sexual issue of yours?
You were just trying to be with Lance Saturday night while you are still with Mike.......what are you doing?
Do you really think it is healthy for you to work two jobs to support your bf's gambling addiction?
Will say you are very co-dependent.......you are with someone with a gambling addiction and you have this sexual addiction.
Have you ever sought counseling that just focused on this sexual issue of yours?
Thank you all for your and opinions. I've have been in therapy several times for depression, anxiety, relationship issues, etc. before I met Mike, I dated Kevin for 10 years and he was the cheapo with no sexual abilities. I cheated on him with several guys on too many occasions to count. When I met Mike, I realized what I had been doing.and why (molested at age 6 by my neighbor and saw it as attention for years and looked for that attention in men. The guy I hung out with Saturday night is Lance. Good with money and great in bed. He told me that I was drunk and he didn't want my sad drunk self to make a mistake that I would later regret. So, honestly with Mike the money thing is really the only issue. Again thank you ladies!
I SO hope You are listening, weighing and considering all the sound advice You have receieved here!!
COMMUNITY LEADER
Hi there dear. I hope you don't mind but I took a peak at your profile. I wanted to welcome you to the med help relationships forum (welcome) and see that you have trying to conceive. Under these circumstances, I'd defiantely hold off on that plan. I would work out any and all issues before you tie your life to this man's forever. If they can't be worked out, you may need to move on and that would be harder if you were pregnant. good luck dear
Statistics are just statistics, but there has to be a reason we keep track of them. You do know that the 2 biggest reasons for divorce are "infidelity" and "money", right?
They are both big deals. Both, or the notion of both are prevalent in this relationship. "Trying to lose yourself" in the arms of another person only makes matters far worse.... (you can kind of say I have some experience there.)
Bluntly, you've got to deal with your problems. You have to hit them right between the eyes. He needs to address his problems the very same way. Until you do, there probably isn't a whole bunch of hope here, is there?
Professional help is available. Both of you should seek it.
They are both big deals. Both, or the notion of both are prevalent in this relationship. "Trying to lose yourself" in the arms of another person only makes matters far worse.... (you can kind of say I have some experience there.)
Bluntly, you've got to deal with your problems. You have to hit them right between the eyes. He needs to address his problems the very same way. Until you do, there probably isn't a whole bunch of hope here, is there?
Professional help is available. Both of you should seek it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
I'm sorry Londres if I repeated what you had said. I didn't go back and read again what all had been written. I think we are both of the same mind that the issues surrounding trying to keep a relationship with a man that obviously has a gambling problem, some co dependent tendencies, and whatever else is going on are a recipe for disaster.
Another man will never solve the issues with the one you have an issue with by the way. If we haven't done any work to figure out why we were with someone that wasn't healthy for us, people often continue to make poor choices. good luck
PS: hope you'll consider talking to a professional, I think it will really help you.
Another man will never solve the issues with the one you have an issue with by the way. If we haven't done any work to figure out why we were with someone that wasn't healthy for us, people often continue to make poor choices. good luck
PS: hope you'll consider talking to a professional, I think it will really help you.
Will agree with SM about the co-dependency as I had also mentioned this in one of my previous posts, however, I think that is just one issue out of a few issues.
Not to be too blunt or harsh, but have you ever sought therapy for yourself?
I think if you dealt with your issues you wouldn't be making these questionable choices in regards to men.
BTW: Why would you be turning to your ex anyways? You stated he was cheap and the sex was terrible. As you probably know that's not going to solve your issues/problems.
I am not exactly sure why you are choosing these men and why you have this propensity to cheat or bounce back and forth between men. Sometimes you will see this with women who have been sexually abused OR with women that didn't have any great father figure in their lives or no father figure OR women who came from a family where a parent struggled with infidelity.
Not judging you....definitely concerned.
I think if you dealt with your issues you wouldn't be making these questionable choices in regards to men.
BTW: Why would you be turning to your ex anyways? You stated he was cheap and the sex was terrible. As you probably know that's not going to solve your issues/problems.
I am not exactly sure why you are choosing these men and why you have this propensity to cheat or bounce back and forth between men. Sometimes you will see this with women who have been sexually abused OR with women that didn't have any great father figure in their lives or no father figure OR women who came from a family where a parent struggled with infidelity.
Not judging you....definitely concerned.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh dear. Let me tell you what concerns me. That you are with someone unhealthy (gambler and I think you realize HOW bad it is) and then when your mind is finally screaming at your too loudly to ignore anymore and you know that for your own good --- you should leave him . .. you react by going out and hitting on another guy (ex or not).
This is quite telling hon. There is co dependent behavior and there is self destructive behavior. You are worrying me that you use men as your band aid.
Have you considered a therapist as this would be the PERFECT time. You should expect to have a happy life with a decent person. Not a mizer and not a gambler and not a rebound, I'm sad so I'll just go to another guy type of situation.
If you have unhealthy thinking, you often will have unhealthy habits and then your often have an unhappy life. I don't want that for you sweetie. Can you consider a therapist?
This is quite telling hon. There is co dependent behavior and there is self destructive behavior. You are worrying me that you use men as your band aid.
Have you considered a therapist as this would be the PERFECT time. You should expect to have a happy life with a decent person. Not a mizer and not a gambler and not a rebound, I'm sad so I'll just go to another guy type of situation.
If you have unhealthy thinking, you often will have unhealthy habits and then your often have an unhappy life. I don't want that for you sweetie. Can you consider a therapist?
Lol. An ex from awhile back. We dated 10 years ago, and he has never turned me,down before. I guess I'm not,meant,to f*** things up. I'm gonna have to deal with my problems the right way.
I am totally lost right now. I don't know what to, do. I tried to go out and lose myself but that didn't work. I'm just falling apart. I even got rejected by my ex tonight. Part of me thinks that he was trying to save me from myself though. Idk.
COMMUNITY LEADER
One thing you can do is picture if this intensifies in any way (his gambling and spending money you work hard for) . . . which things like gambling often do . . . can you live with that?
I do wish you luck.
It is hard to walk away from someone but when they are unhealthy (as he sounds)--- it is saving ourselves worse heartache down the road.
peace and blessings to you
I do wish you luck.
It is hard to walk away from someone but when they are unhealthy (as he sounds)--- it is saving ourselves worse heartache down the road.
peace and blessings to you
@ specialmom, thank you for being honest. I dated a guy before him for 10 years (on and off) that was the exact opposite of Mike. Cheap, penny pincher. He was a good guy but I cheated and the sex was horrible. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do. I do appreciate your ladies comments. it is just a matter of time I guess.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Okay, I'm going to be honest. Dating a man that you have already fought with over money and you describe him as a gambler is going to turn into a big problem. This is like saying you don't really like to drink and you have found a major partier (or maybe an alcoholic) to be with. Gambling for the vast majority of folks is a huge money drain. AND it IS addictive. It stimulates the same part of the brain that you find in alcoholics. They have the same characteristics.
I also hear what you are saying about him being a sex offender when he was a teenager. I am just practical. I would be less secure with a man with a legal history of the sexual nature if I had kids. I think you are safe at this point but worry about any young females that might be around. (or kids period).
But back to the part about money and his gambling issues. You work two jobs, work your butt off to have it go to the casinos.
Hon, with my best intentions, I would say you are not a good match with him. You are asking for major issues down the road and I believe you should cut your losses (to use gambling terms) now.
The longer you are with him, the longer it will take you to find a man that you will not worry is waiting to blow your paycheck on something as unreliable and wasteful as gambling.
Sweetie, do you have a history of men in your life that have some issues like this?
Nothing meant to be judgemental or harsh here but giving you my most heartfelt advice. good luck
I also hear what you are saying about him being a sex offender when he was a teenager. I am just practical. I would be less secure with a man with a legal history of the sexual nature if I had kids. I think you are safe at this point but worry about any young females that might be around. (or kids period).
But back to the part about money and his gambling issues. You work two jobs, work your butt off to have it go to the casinos.
Hon, with my best intentions, I would say you are not a good match with him. You are asking for major issues down the road and I believe you should cut your losses (to use gambling terms) now.
The longer you are with him, the longer it will take you to find a man that you will not worry is waiting to blow your paycheck on something as unreliable and wasteful as gambling.
Sweetie, do you have a history of men in your life that have some issues like this?
Nothing meant to be judgemental or harsh here but giving you my most heartfelt advice. good luck
Your statement..."I know most of the advice in going to get is to get out and move on, to start worrying about myself." My response.....Yes, that would be the appropriate thing to do, but I know you aren't looking for that answer....but that's the TRUTH of the matter.
Does he see his gambling as a problem? If he does, is he willing to seek professional help to stop? Have you both ever considered couples' therapy?
I really don't condone people supporting unhealthy behaviors of a spouse, bf or gf. You sound like you are co-dependent.
Dear....you can't keep supporting this nonsense by working all these crazy hours and working two jobs.
If he isn't willing to help himself or even admit he has a problem.....I would recommend you do leave him. Maybe if you leave he might "wake up and smell the coffee" and SEEK help. Show him that you are tired of all this.
Does he see his gambling as a problem? If he does, is he willing to seek professional help to stop? Have you both ever considered couples' therapy?
I really don't condone people supporting unhealthy behaviors of a spouse, bf or gf. You sound like you are co-dependent.
Dear....you can't keep supporting this nonsense by working all these crazy hours and working two jobs.
If he isn't willing to help himself or even admit he has a problem.....I would recommend you do leave him. Maybe if you leave he might "wake up and smell the coffee" and SEEK help. Show him that you are tired of all this.
Sorry that ask got jumbled at the end. Typing on my phone and it got all messed up.
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Agree His gambling is an issue that needs to be addressed, but it would behoove You to address Your own issues.
Good Luck