Aa
Confused
I need some advice. This is my first relationship (as well as his), and I'm really feeling confused.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for 17 months now, and I'd never been happier until around February 12th of this year. Before that, he had been super attentive and sweet (ever since Christmas, actually), but then on that day he told me he thought he loved me. I was excited to finally hear something, considering for him that was a big step. However, I was still apprehensive--even after he surprised me at a practice with flowers for Valentine's Day despite the fact it was out of his way and I was spending the night after practice let out. So, I finally asked him if he meant it. His response was less than ideal, but it didn't really hurt so much as leave me wondering where I stood with him if he could tell me he thought he loved me and then later, tell me, when asked, "I recall saying 'think,' and I certainly meant it at the moment, but I dunno. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what I do." It hurt, obviously--not that he didn't love me, but that he thought so little of me that he could say it and then take it back like it meant nothing at all.
I was stressed since it was hell week since the musical was opening that weekend, and my instinct was to yell (not my usual instinct), so I just bit my tongue because I knew honesty didn't deserve that response. Still, I let it eat away at me until about a week later when I finally had time to go see him (yes, this musical that I've been working on since the semester started in January has ate away at the time we have together; before the semester began, we'd seen each other pretty much every day since Christmas, and I prefer not to deal with problems on the phone). So, I talked to him again while we were cuddling. The conversation went something like this:
*I say something about how stressed out I've been the past couple weeks and how people have been making me cry*
"Have I made you cry?"
"Yes."
"I think I know what."
*tries to get him to say it* "And what's that?"
"You know."
*I nod and am quiet a bit* "I'm still trying to figure out why it made me cry."
*in some sort of teasing voice I didn't really appreciate* "Did it make you feel rejected?"
"No. I was glad you were honest. I'd much rather you be honest than say something you don't mean."
"I try not to say what I don't mean."
"I know." *quiet a little bit to make sure I don't let my voice break* "I guess I just need to hear in words--not necessarily those three words--how you feel. I mean, your actions show me you care, but they can't show the extent."
"You want to see what's under the surface?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
I had to go because Dad was home (I'm 22, going on 23 and still living at home because of the economy, and my dad is uber religious. He'd kill me if he knew my boyfriend and I are intimate), and when he's home I have to be home by midnight. So, I didn't press the issue since I didn't want it to be contrived anyway. Figured he needed a little time to think it through and would call me. Didn't happen.
He knew he was in trouble, though, when I saw him 8 days later (Monday). Was on his best behavior, took me out to dinner, lots of cuddling, watched House with me rather than play games with his friend who's home for spring break, "saved" me from talking with his dad and sister--not that I needed saving. Love his family. However, I didn't get to really bring up the issue because his friend just wouldn't go home. 4:30 a.m., and I gave up and went to bed in his bed since mom had the alarm set for instant by that time and I couldn't have gotten in if I'd driven the 20 mins. to get home. We didn't get up 'til about an hour and a half before my class--enough time for him to make breakfast and me to get ready. So, all I got the chance to do was make sure he realized the issue hadn't gone away with an, "I will get an answer eventually, right?" He replied in a laughing voice, "Ah! Go on! Get out of here." Gave him a quick kiss and left.
I feel this issue won't go away until he tells me where I stand, what he sees for us, etc., but I don't know how to get him to take it seriously. So far, he doesn't seem to be. And I don't get it. It's not like I'm asking for something I haven't already told him. (I told him 9 months in that I love him, though I haven't said it often at all because I don't want to make things awkward.) It's not like I'm even asking for the "L" word, and I've made that very clear.
I'm thinking if he doesn't make an effort, I'm going to have to break up with him because, even though I love him, I deserve someone emotionally available enough to at least tell me how he feels. It's not like I'm an insecure person. I'm very patient since I know feelings develop at different rates and definitions of "love" vary greatly. But my patience is wearing thin since he can't/won't put it into words how he feels and keeps sending mixed signals (for example, the day after he said the whole, "I certainly meant it at the moment..." spiel, he told me something to the effect of, "You don't have to worry about me passing it on. It's not genetic," in regards to a bump on his nose caused by picking a pimple, so he's obviously thought about family.).
I just don't know how to go about this whole break-up thing, if it comes to that. I know I want to give him one more chance to let me know how he feels before that. He's been there for me through so much and obviously does care, after all. I just don't understand why he won't/can't put it into words. It's not like it's only two months in.
Sorry for the book (and if it's confusing at all; it's 2:36. I should be in bed.), but any advice would be great. I've never been more confused in my life.
I've been seeing my boyfriend for 17 months now, and I'd never been happier until around February 12th of this year. Before that, he had been super attentive and sweet (ever since Christmas, actually), but then on that day he told me he thought he loved me. I was excited to finally hear something, considering for him that was a big step. However, I was still apprehensive--even after he surprised me at a practice with flowers for Valentine's Day despite the fact it was out of his way and I was spending the night after practice let out. So, I finally asked him if he meant it. His response was less than ideal, but it didn't really hurt so much as leave me wondering where I stood with him if he could tell me he thought he loved me and then later, tell me, when asked, "I recall saying 'think,' and I certainly meant it at the moment, but I dunno. I guess you'll just have to wait and see what I do." It hurt, obviously--not that he didn't love me, but that he thought so little of me that he could say it and then take it back like it meant nothing at all.
I was stressed since it was hell week since the musical was opening that weekend, and my instinct was to yell (not my usual instinct), so I just bit my tongue because I knew honesty didn't deserve that response. Still, I let it eat away at me until about a week later when I finally had time to go see him (yes, this musical that I've been working on since the semester started in January has ate away at the time we have together; before the semester began, we'd seen each other pretty much every day since Christmas, and I prefer not to deal with problems on the phone). So, I talked to him again while we were cuddling. The conversation went something like this:
*I say something about how stressed out I've been the past couple weeks and how people have been making me cry*
"Have I made you cry?"
"Yes."
"I think I know what."
*tries to get him to say it* "And what's that?"
"You know."
*I nod and am quiet a bit* "I'm still trying to figure out why it made me cry."
*in some sort of teasing voice I didn't really appreciate* "Did it make you feel rejected?"
"No. I was glad you were honest. I'd much rather you be honest than say something you don't mean."
"I try not to say what I don't mean."
"I know." *quiet a little bit to make sure I don't let my voice break* "I guess I just need to hear in words--not necessarily those three words--how you feel. I mean, your actions show me you care, but they can't show the extent."
"You want to see what's under the surface?"
"Yeah, pretty much."
I had to go because Dad was home (I'm 22, going on 23 and still living at home because of the economy, and my dad is uber religious. He'd kill me if he knew my boyfriend and I are intimate), and when he's home I have to be home by midnight. So, I didn't press the issue since I didn't want it to be contrived anyway. Figured he needed a little time to think it through and would call me. Didn't happen.
He knew he was in trouble, though, when I saw him 8 days later (Monday). Was on his best behavior, took me out to dinner, lots of cuddling, watched House with me rather than play games with his friend who's home for spring break, "saved" me from talking with his dad and sister--not that I needed saving. Love his family. However, I didn't get to really bring up the issue because his friend just wouldn't go home. 4:30 a.m., and I gave up and went to bed in his bed since mom had the alarm set for instant by that time and I couldn't have gotten in if I'd driven the 20 mins. to get home. We didn't get up 'til about an hour and a half before my class--enough time for him to make breakfast and me to get ready. So, all I got the chance to do was make sure he realized the issue hadn't gone away with an, "I will get an answer eventually, right?" He replied in a laughing voice, "Ah! Go on! Get out of here." Gave him a quick kiss and left.
I feel this issue won't go away until he tells me where I stand, what he sees for us, etc., but I don't know how to get him to take it seriously. So far, he doesn't seem to be. And I don't get it. It's not like I'm asking for something I haven't already told him. (I told him 9 months in that I love him, though I haven't said it often at all because I don't want to make things awkward.) It's not like I'm even asking for the "L" word, and I've made that very clear.
I'm thinking if he doesn't make an effort, I'm going to have to break up with him because, even though I love him, I deserve someone emotionally available enough to at least tell me how he feels. It's not like I'm an insecure person. I'm very patient since I know feelings develop at different rates and definitions of "love" vary greatly. But my patience is wearing thin since he can't/won't put it into words how he feels and keeps sending mixed signals (for example, the day after he said the whole, "I certainly meant it at the moment..." spiel, he told me something to the effect of, "You don't have to worry about me passing it on. It's not genetic," in regards to a bump on his nose caused by picking a pimple, so he's obviously thought about family.).
I just don't know how to go about this whole break-up thing, if it comes to that. I know I want to give him one more chance to let me know how he feels before that. He's been there for me through so much and obviously does care, after all. I just don't understand why he won't/can't put it into words. It's not like it's only two months in.
Sorry for the book (and if it's confusing at all; it's 2:36. I should be in bed.), but any advice would be great. I've never been more confused in my life.
Amen, Anniebrooke. Exactly.
Quitegirl, you've been with this guy for 17 months. He's at the state where if he loved you, he'd have been blushing and acting kind of clumsy when you are around, and breathing hard, and at 17 months time he'd be almost coming out of that phase into a quieter more mature phase of your relationship where he's respecting you, doing things for you, and you're looking after him in the same way.
He might be a good guy, but he either is not able to feel the "in love feeling" (that's possible) or he's not feeling that feeling with you.
A smart girl would move on. He can't even express in words he likes you.
Quitegirl, you've been with this guy for 17 months. He's at the state where if he loved you, he'd have been blushing and acting kind of clumsy when you are around, and breathing hard, and at 17 months time he'd be almost coming out of that phase into a quieter more mature phase of your relationship where he's respecting you, doing things for you, and you're looking after him in the same way.
He might be a good guy, but he either is not able to feel the "in love feeling" (that's possible) or he's not feeling that feeling with you.
A smart girl would move on. He can't even express in words he likes you.
See, I'm not trying to rush things. Rushing things would be saying I need to hear, "I love you," despite knowing his definition of love is being ready to settle down and get married. I don't want him to say he loves me unless he means he loves me and I've made it amply clear. I just want something simple, some general impression of what he feels whether it be, "I like you," or even, "I don't know." Any answer, any show of effort from him, is better than no answer at all. He knows that. And I feel that it's not too much to ask for where I stand in that way when he was the one who decided to throw the "I love you" around despite knowing I take it seriously and having told me on his own before I even mentioned how I view it as serious that he takes it seriously himself.
There's no doubt he's a good guy, but it's not like I'm asking for a lot. He was able to give me this well over a year ago without prodding or asking for it. What's changed that's made him not able to since then? I think that's the real issue.
There's no doubt he's a good guy, but it's not like I'm asking for a lot. He was able to give me this well over a year ago without prodding or asking for it. What's changed that's made him not able to since then? I think that's the real issue.
I do not agree with breaking it off. I do agree with the fact that guys are not emotionally mature at that age. I don't think I was actually emotionally mature til my mid-30's. Love is not valued like it used to be in the past. I LOVE cupcakes. I LOVE horses. I LOVE watching Jersey Shore. How do you expect the word love to be taken seriously? Deep down, I'm sure he does love you or he would have broken it off. Don't push him as @lovemykids465 suggests. I don't read anything about flirting with girls, text messages, pics, stuff on his computer, he seems like a good guy. Just relax and let nature take its course.
You say you've never been more confused in your life. When callers say the word "confused," Dr. Laura always says "No, you're not confused, you just don't want things to be this way." It's kind of rude when she says it, but it's also funny, because it's true. You want your guy to be different. You want him to explain where he is emotionally. But he isn't different, he's the same guy you've been seeing for a year and a half. And guess what, if you marry him, he's still going to be the same way. Not saying the words, just showing with the actions.
He might have been trying on the words to see how they fit, and he wasn't sure how he felt about them when he said them. He's no dunce, he clearly can see that saying "I love you" will be followed by your strong expectation that you two are an entirely committed couple and the marriage conversation is going to be what you will be expecting in the future. Maybe he's not ready to go down that path. If he is your age, he is not even fully mature yet emotionally, and marriage is a lot to ask an American guy at 22 to be thinking about. They mature late! :)
It's sweet that he has been there for you, and if you can accept a guy who is there for you but never says where you stand with him in so many words, stop pining for him to say "I love you" and get used to this being the way he is. Hate to say it, but a lot of married men never tell their wife those words. Yet the marriages are happy. If you do decide you want to marry him, get ready for life to be like that for you.
If you need a guy who is more emotionally demonstrative in both actions and words, you probably should gently break off with this one. Explain to him that he's giving you part of what you want, but not all. A direct conversation about what you like and need in a relationship is better than all of this indirect hinting in your conversations.
He might have been trying on the words to see how they fit, and he wasn't sure how he felt about them when he said them. He's no dunce, he clearly can see that saying "I love you" will be followed by your strong expectation that you two are an entirely committed couple and the marriage conversation is going to be what you will be expecting in the future. Maybe he's not ready to go down that path. If he is your age, he is not even fully mature yet emotionally, and marriage is a lot to ask an American guy at 22 to be thinking about. They mature late! :)
It's sweet that he has been there for you, and if you can accept a guy who is there for you but never says where you stand with him in so many words, stop pining for him to say "I love you" and get used to this being the way he is. Hate to say it, but a lot of married men never tell their wife those words. Yet the marriages are happy. If you do decide you want to marry him, get ready for life to be like that for you.
If you need a guy who is more emotionally demonstrative in both actions and words, you probably should gently break off with this one. Explain to him that he's giving you part of what you want, but not all. A direct conversation about what you like and need in a relationship is better than all of this indirect hinting in your conversations.
Hi Honey, If you really love him, do not push him. You are young. Take it slow.
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