Sorry for long query, but please help me!
I belong to a very conservative family! I had no freedom at my parents house. Being in a joint family I was expected to do house hold chores, work in kitchen as young as 12. The concept of vacation was going with family, being criticized & compared. After completing my graduation I wanted to pursue higher education, which was rejected by my mother. But i still went ahead. I would study even after being tortured for not to. I got myself an highly reputed degree, and just post that I got married. Getting married was like an escape from all the years of torture, as I got into an arrange marriage with a boy who i knew since my college. A lovely gentleman, who showed love and care. Just few months into courtship I found out he was cheating on me with his ex. I was shattered. his explanation was that he was confused. I forgave him, and decided to give him a fresh chance, (my parents have no idea about this)but it was a very bad courtship where we fought very often. We got married, and we moved with my in-laws where the real torture began. I was not given any freedom, wasn't allowed to go out, wasnt given any money, was expected to just work like a full time maid, they would ridicule me, humiliate me publicly and abuse me, and lie to my parents about my behavior. I was not allowed to work post-marriage, was not allowed to meet friends. My health suffered drastically. My husband would also have major fights with his parents, they would make sure me and my husband dont get along. After my doctors gave up on my health, my husband decided to move out of that house. (After 9 months)Post this episode I begged to my husband to buy a separate house, but as he had suffered a loss in his business he forced me move in with his Uncle (father figure). I was expected to work the same way here, but this time i could not have any expectations as there was no way that we could afford to be thrown out. From doing utensils, to washing clothes, to cleaning the house, i was doing it all. My new MIL would actively participate in daily chores, but my body, mind, soul everything was abused. My husband wouldnt take me out because of financial problems, In 1 1/2 years of our marriage we went on a vacation only twice. I am still a virgin, because i could never forgive my husband for cheating on me, I could never get over the entire episode, i found her nude pictures,mails etc after our marriage. I thought post marriage would be a paradise, but I was living a nightmare. Few months after moving at the uncles house i realized my husband is not available to me even emotionally, so i started throwing myself at him sexually, but he just showed no interest. So i decided to start working. I had to fight really bad with my in laws for this. I started working, but I would wake up at 5 cook, finish all chores, and come back home again cook, and sleep by 11. I was living like a slave, no respect, love, dignity, just work. around this time i met a co-worker who showed immense interest me. i felt alive, i felt new, I felt i existed in his presence, and i got carried away, i ended up having an emotional affair with him. we wernt sexual, just that i would love flirting and talking to him. My husband caught me just within a week of me getting in it. I had o immediately resign I knew i had screwed up. I came to my moms house very next day. He says he wants to be with me and wants to start it all over again. But i am still unhappy.
My questions are:
-Has he forgiven me coz i had forgiven him over cheating?
-Should i go back to same life?
-Am i asking for too much from life?
-I demand respect, freedom, at my in laws, is it wrong?
I have no support and I feel my life is just a waste. I have tried committing suicide, but i really dont wish to die. I feel trapped, and in a middle of a web. i have lost my self-confidence, self-worth. i have not got out of my house since a month. i feel scared to go out. i was a very vivacious and ambitious girl. Had innumerable frineds and was a social bird. my marriage took away everything. I love my husband. but i dont know how do i continue. PLEASE HELP ME!