Aa
desperatly need help
Hi, I have been married for 34 years this year, my husband is what I think is a sex addict, he still to this day wants sex each and every day, and if I don't give in and "service" him he gets extremely upset and gives me the silent treatment, we have 3 boys who are all older now, I could usually find an excuse to get out of sex with him every once in a while especially if the boys were out and I felt I needed to stay up and wait for them to get home safely, but now all the boys are grown and soon to be out on their own, that scares me as I have no outlet to escape the every night pressure of sex, I have learned to hate it with a passion, he demands sex whether I want it or not, that does not matter to him, all he cares about is his needs being met, then after he would apoligize for "making" me do it, knowing full well I didn't want to, he didn't care at the time. he even forced me the night I got home from the hospital with our first child, talk about pain!! that was incredibly horrible, and with each one it was no different, with the last one he made me go help with chores that night, as we were milking cows, and he hated doing the chores alone, so after fixing them a meal and doing chores, and taking a new born baby less than 30 hours old into the barn to milk the cows, I had to perform for him that night, then the poor little baby developed colick, I don't think I slept for like 4 months, but I survived!.
He is also very addicted to porn, he spends all weekend on the computer or watching movies about porn, that's all he looks at on the computer, thats all he's interested in, every conversation we have sex somehow becomes the main focus of the conversation, doesn't matter what it's about, even a tragic death, somehow someway he will inject the subject of sex into it, health issues?? well sex will cure everything, and if only I would have more sex I wouldn't have high blood pressure, if I had more sex I wouldn't break a bone, If I had more sex I would be more happy with my life, If I had more sex I wouldn't be overwieght, and the list goes on and on.
The saddest part of all this is the fact that we are catholic, or at least I am, and don't believe in divorce, and it would kill our boys if we did, but I am so incredibly misearable, I hate my life, and have no clue what to do about it, he told me a couple of weeks ago that I dusgust him, that he is terribly dissapointed in me, that I am such a cold person, He refused to kiss me anymore the morning after we were married 34 years ago, he said it grossed him out and that kissing and that type of stuff was not associated with sex, that love and sex were two completly seperate things, and should never ever be intertwined, so I got used to the idea that I would go through life with no intamacy and got used to it, and he started chewing tobbaco, which completly grosses me out, so now I have absolutly no desire to kiss him EVER!! and believe it or not he complains about me being so cold and turning my head when he forces me to have sex so he can't kiss me, I want to puke when he does that now, 34 years ago I would have given my left arm to get him to kiss me, now I can't stand the thought of it, it makes me sick.
I turned 18 on the day that we got married, I was so stupid and ignorant, I have never been with another man, and I have never felt pleasure with him, not ever, but I feel so incredibly trapped, and don't know what to do, here I am almost 50 years old and so miserable that suicide is becoming a very attractive idea, I had actually been making plans on how to carry it out, then my youngest sons school mate commited suicide, I seen what it did to my son, and the whole school, that is something I cannot do to my boys, I love them way to much.
If anyone out there has any ideas for me I would really appreciate it, I feel like I am drowning and no hope for the future, I can't stand the thought of living to the age of 70 or God forbid 80 and having to service him each and every night, and living alone with him is my worse nightmare. I knew who and what he was when we got married, I was actually stupid enough to think that with age he would back off the sex addictions, man was I ever stupid, he said he would rather die than not be able to have sex, he will be jacking off on his death bed, that is one thing I have no doubt about, I hate myself so much for feeling this way, but have no clue how to get out of it, and please don't even suggest counseling, he would never ever even consider that.
sherry Lynn..
He is also very addicted to porn, he spends all weekend on the computer or watching movies about porn, that's all he looks at on the computer, thats all he's interested in, every conversation we have sex somehow becomes the main focus of the conversation, doesn't matter what it's about, even a tragic death, somehow someway he will inject the subject of sex into it, health issues?? well sex will cure everything, and if only I would have more sex I wouldn't have high blood pressure, if I had more sex I wouldn't break a bone, If I had more sex I would be more happy with my life, If I had more sex I wouldn't be overwieght, and the list goes on and on.
The saddest part of all this is the fact that we are catholic, or at least I am, and don't believe in divorce, and it would kill our boys if we did, but I am so incredibly misearable, I hate my life, and have no clue what to do about it, he told me a couple of weeks ago that I dusgust him, that he is terribly dissapointed in me, that I am such a cold person, He refused to kiss me anymore the morning after we were married 34 years ago, he said it grossed him out and that kissing and that type of stuff was not associated with sex, that love and sex were two completly seperate things, and should never ever be intertwined, so I got used to the idea that I would go through life with no intamacy and got used to it, and he started chewing tobbaco, which completly grosses me out, so now I have absolutly no desire to kiss him EVER!! and believe it or not he complains about me being so cold and turning my head when he forces me to have sex so he can't kiss me, I want to puke when he does that now, 34 years ago I would have given my left arm to get him to kiss me, now I can't stand the thought of it, it makes me sick.
I turned 18 on the day that we got married, I was so stupid and ignorant, I have never been with another man, and I have never felt pleasure with him, not ever, but I feel so incredibly trapped, and don't know what to do, here I am almost 50 years old and so miserable that suicide is becoming a very attractive idea, I had actually been making plans on how to carry it out, then my youngest sons school mate commited suicide, I seen what it did to my son, and the whole school, that is something I cannot do to my boys, I love them way to much.
If anyone out there has any ideas for me I would really appreciate it, I feel like I am drowning and no hope for the future, I can't stand the thought of living to the age of 70 or God forbid 80 and having to service him each and every night, and living alone with him is my worse nightmare. I knew who and what he was when we got married, I was actually stupid enough to think that with age he would back off the sex addictions, man was I ever stupid, he said he would rather die than not be able to have sex, he will be jacking off on his death bed, that is one thing I have no doubt about, I hate myself so much for feeling this way, but have no clue how to get out of it, and please don't even suggest counseling, he would never ever even consider that.
sherry Lynn..
If you don't believe in divorce because of your religion then what about leaving but not getting divorced?
I would go for a legal separation though to protect yourself. Your husband would have to pay you support and keep you on his insurance.
I feel so bad for you. No man should ever treat his wife this way.
I would go for a legal separation though to protect yourself. Your husband would have to pay you support and keep you on his insurance.
I feel so bad for you. No man should ever treat his wife this way.
Being forced to have sex against your will is rape. It is just that simple, and from your description of the marriage and the entire relationship, your animosity towards this guy is warranted.
You do have some very tough decisions to make. Keep in mind, these decisions are yours to make.... you also can change your mind.
With that said, I do believe in second chances, but the problem with that is you've wanted change for 34 years. To me, it isn't logical to expect him to change now.
I'd start working on a support network. Looking for a place to stay, work to keep you busy, a shoulder to lean on.... all of that. Find a good attorney! And although a divorce might be hard on your kids, staying looks as if it will be far harder on you. Now is the time for you to think of you first! This is your time! You've put the kids and even this man first for years.... It's time that your needs are met! You have worth, and it's time for you to realize your value.
You do have some very tough decisions to make. Keep in mind, these decisions are yours to make.... you also can change your mind.
With that said, I do believe in second chances, but the problem with that is you've wanted change for 34 years. To me, it isn't logical to expect him to change now.
I'd start working on a support network. Looking for a place to stay, work to keep you busy, a shoulder to lean on.... all of that. Find a good attorney! And although a divorce might be hard on your kids, staying looks as if it will be far harder on you. Now is the time for you to think of you first! This is your time! You've put the kids and even this man first for years.... It's time that your needs are met! You have worth, and it's time for you to realize your value.
COMMUNITY LEADER
It sounds like you have a compassionate and wise priest. I think he has given you your answer, don't you? God would never want you to suffer so.
I think that leaving will require some planning. Have you started to think about where you can go, how you will live, etc.? Do you have family and friends you can lean on for support?
It is very scary to change our life in this way after 34 years! It takes great courage to stand up for yourself after all this time. I'm so glad you are contemplating it and do hope for a much better life for you. Peace.
I think that leaving will require some planning. Have you started to think about where you can go, how you will live, etc.? Do you have family and friends you can lean on for support?
It is very scary to change our life in this way after 34 years! It takes great courage to stand up for yourself after all this time. I'm so glad you are contemplating it and do hope for a much better life for you. Peace.
Thanks for all the advice, I know I have some BIG decisions to make, I know my life has to get better, I can't live like this anymore and stay sane.
I did talk to our priest, and he said it is ordered through the catholic church that woman obey men, but to many men take that out of context, It says that woman should be obidient to thier men, but the men are ordered to love the woman as Jesus loved his catholic church, men are to be willing to suffer and die on a cross for thier woman as God did for the church, if the man is not willing to protect and care and treat the woman with the same love as Jesus showed for the church then the woman are not expected to stay with the man, as he is being decietful and using the woman instead of loving her with his entire soul, the religion believes are not meant for abuse or ownership, they are meant to creat a relationship that is bound by souls and complete love and compassion.
I may not have explained it quite the way the priest did, but the way he said it made sense, at first I was really upset when he said I was to be obidient, but that is only required if the man is loving a woman the way God intended them to, if not the man deserves to alone in the world.
So thanks everyone, I am thinking very hard today and trying to get up the courage to make the wisest decisions possible.
Sherry Lynn.
I did talk to our priest, and he said it is ordered through the catholic church that woman obey men, but to many men take that out of context, It says that woman should be obidient to thier men, but the men are ordered to love the woman as Jesus loved his catholic church, men are to be willing to suffer and die on a cross for thier woman as God did for the church, if the man is not willing to protect and care and treat the woman with the same love as Jesus showed for the church then the woman are not expected to stay with the man, as he is being decietful and using the woman instead of loving her with his entire soul, the religion believes are not meant for abuse or ownership, they are meant to creat a relationship that is bound by souls and complete love and compassion.
I may not have explained it quite the way the priest did, but the way he said it made sense, at first I was really upset when he said I was to be obidient, but that is only required if the man is loving a woman the way God intended them to, if not the man deserves to alone in the world.
So thanks everyone, I am thinking very hard today and trying to get up the courage to make the wisest decisions possible.
Sherry Lynn.
Hell, I stopped reading about half way when you mentioned taking your son out to the barn. This dude sounds like a douche bag. I believe a wife should try to "take care" of her man. However, this guy is abusive. You should divorce him. You said the kids are bigger. Leave him.
Sherry, you write so poignantly that we can all feel for you.
It's hard to believe your sons would be "devastated" by your breakup. Once the boys are out on their own - that day - you could leave. I'm not picturing a man who is an adoring and doting father - it's hard to imagine him having a spare afternoon to go kite flying or canoeing with his sons due to his constant sexual gratification.
I was raised Catholic and I don't believe the church means to bind people in misery. Rather, they intend to require people to stay with loving spouses instead of always being on the lookout for another sexual conquest.
It's hard to believe your sons would be "devastated" by your breakup. Once the boys are out on their own - that day - you could leave. I'm not picturing a man who is an adoring and doting father - it's hard to imagine him having a spare afternoon to go kite flying or canoeing with his sons due to his constant sexual gratification.
I was raised Catholic and I don't believe the church means to bind people in misery. Rather, they intend to require people to stay with loving spouses instead of always being on the lookout for another sexual conquest.
I am so sorry to hear this Sherry. I can't say I know how you feel because I don't but I am part of a family where suicide has happened and I can tell you, it is not the answer. I saw my Aunt kill herself because she was trapped in a passionless marriage and felt the only way to get out was to check out. If your boys are older now and out of the house, I think it's time you let them live their own lives and focus on your own. God does not want you to be unhappy to the point of suicide. If anything, I think it would be best to leave him quietly, get away if you can and file for divorce and start living your life, you only get one and it seems you have been so selfless throughout it. I think it's about damned time you take some me time, do some soul searching and find some passion that makes you happy :) Just my two cents, take it or leave it.
COMMUNITY LEADER
Oh my goodness. Your post makes me so sad. How trapped you must feel. While I acknowledge that there are two sides to every story, your husband sounds like an ogre that I'd have a very hard time encouraging you to stay with.
I don't say that lightly. I'm a Catholic girl too and while I don't feel like divorce is not an option for people, I do see it as a very sad sad thing. My husband is a cradle to grave Catholic and sees divorce as a sin. But I would still say to you that staying with him is something I just have trouble advising at this point. I think your story of the night home after you gave birth is out of the movies--------- it is that bad. While I think having a healthy sex life is important and sometimes having sex when we aren't really in the mood is part of being a married partner----------- that is over the top. And now 30 some years later, his cruelty to you regarding recent comments. This is just too much to ask you to stay there.
Is leaving really not an option? What kind of support network do you have such as parents or siblings or close friends? Can you talk to your priest?
I don't say that lightly. I'm a Catholic girl too and while I don't feel like divorce is not an option for people, I do see it as a very sad sad thing. My husband is a cradle to grave Catholic and sees divorce as a sin. But I would still say to you that staying with him is something I just have trouble advising at this point. I think your story of the night home after you gave birth is out of the movies--------- it is that bad. While I think having a healthy sex life is important and sometimes having sex when we aren't really in the mood is part of being a married partner----------- that is over the top. And now 30 some years later, his cruelty to you regarding recent comments. This is just too much to ask you to stay there.
Is leaving really not an option? What kind of support network do you have such as parents or siblings or close friends? Can you talk to your priest?
Well you could always withhold the sex and he will find someone to do it with and then you can divorce him for adultry. Seriously now, you have two options. The first is to go on life you hve for all these years and the second is to get out. God doesnt like suicide much either and geesh, get yer stuff and move out and be happy for crying out loud. Or just move out and let him file for divorce but at least live by yourself and let what ever happens happen from that point.
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