Psychological Abuse?

[venini]

Hi, I'm 23 years old and I have a very big tendency for having age gap relationships. My first was at 16, and he was 34 and on it went until now. I've realized some time now, that it seems I keep repeating the same mistake by falling into a relationship of which I leave feeling abused and over-absorbed. For a while, it seemed everything was great, but when I start to move ahead with my plans and goals, they clutch on to me like like children. I end up being the grown-up and they the victim.
My last boyfriend is a really sweet person. Unfortunately I started to detect some things that indicated the type of mess I would eventually get myself into. He never really had a job, likes to party a lot, and Had but one serious committed relationship until I came along (I was his friend). He lived abroad for some time, had his own experience with drugs and parties and lived in squats. But the fact is that he always had his mother, even if out of the country to help him if he needed any help. He left not because he had to (like an immigrant), but because he wanted to. He wanted to experience all the fun and liberty that he didn't get from living with his mother. All the money he made went into parties. He only started to think seriously about a career in his mid-thirties and then his mother died. And what happened was that I became that shoulder he lost. He demands too much of me, making every little caprice almost an obligation to me. He wasted all his heritage money in parties, and probably didn't think that after that no one would be there to help him. Long story short, he got a huge bill to pay to the bank, a house to take care of and tons of responsibilities. And then I started to see that he panicked. Like the people around him had the obligation to help him and treat him like a child because he now had no one. For the first time in his life he has to pick himself up, and assume his responsibilities. The problem is that he let's all his past demons eat away his motivation and resumes his situation to nothing but the "bad luck" he always had, making most of his actions consequences his childhood brought (quite a good one. Wasn't rich, but his mother loved him and he never really had to fight for anything). So he sits at home and does nothing because he has no money...hey I have no money but I can take a walk in the park! So I have to stay hours of my day in his dark house making him company, and that's what he thinks is quality time with me. Because it doesnt matter what we do if we're together. That isn't true, I'm not mad. After a while I have the feeling that I'm making an imense effort. Do I have to? I have my own problems, why do I have to eat all his demons as well? I don't do that to my friends...
In the meanwhile everything that has to do with me and my problems, are put into the background. Because I'm  young, it's all very easy for me. Not true, Im moving to the other side of the Atlantic by myself and making a big  step in my life and career. That demands slot of concentration and planning. And all he thinks about is him and his sufferment and his situation. I have thirty days left and he wants all my attention on him, as if I don't have friends      
that I haven't seen in a long while and that I'd like to say goodbye to and a family.
I'm having a conversation with him after christmas to simply tell him, objectively, that I need my time to go forward and we have to stop seeing each other so much until I leave. I'm leaving anyways, why doesn't he simply let me go and be happy?

[Nighthawk61]

I'm glad to hear that you're moving on. Please make sure you take the time to spend with your friends before you go, or you'll always regret that. I think that you should speak with a therapist or coach, moving forward, and devise a plan for yourself as to what kind of relationship that YOU need, going forward. You need to set some boundaries for yourself, or you will probably repeat your past mistakes. You have a fresh canvas, make sure that you plan your work, or it will be a mess. I hope you are enjoying the holiday as best you can, and are looking forward to the New Year. There are so many possibilities for you, make sure you know that you deserve the best before you even consider another relationship or you'll find yourself in this same position next year, and you don't need that. Move forward to your best life, and good luck honey!!!! Keep in touch here, and let us know how you're doing. If you need someone to talk to, I'd love to hear from you!!

[specialmom]

Hi there.  Well, you do certainly have a pattern.  A relationship at 16 with a 34 year old is practically abuse in my opinion.  Don't answer here, but I'd ask you if you were sexually abused as a child or if that was your first inappropriate relationship?  Either way, I really really think investig time and money in a therapist would really help you break these patterns of picking partners that are either not equal.  

Yes, leave the man in question.  This clearly is a dead issue in terms of relationship with him.  

I wish you luck.  I really implore you to explore the patterns of your dating life with a professional so that you can move past what is repeating these same issues over and over in your life.  Peace and luck