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Raped by step-brother
Hi, I really don't know what to do. I met my dad when I was 16 for the first time. It was a little strange at first, but I was accepted right away by him and the rest of the family. I have 1 half sister, 1 step-sister, 2 half-brothers and a step-brother. I would go over maybe once a month for the weekend, and would party and drink with the family. They were/are big drinkers, drug-users.. Things were going well and I started to feel comfortable with them. My dad finally admitted the reason we'd never met was because my mom wouldn't allow it (which she finally admitted when asked).
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids. My fiancé doesn't think I should say anything to my dad, but how can we ever have a good relationship with this elephant in the room? P.s. I also posted this in another forum, but someone mentioned on someone elses post that this forum has more active members.
Anyways, one weekend while I was there (I was 18 by then), I was drinking and doing drugs with my step-brother (I know, bad, but I was a teen lol) and we were playing pool and having fun, I was really starting to feel "accepted".. Anyways, I was wasted by bed time, and so was he.. My half-brother was asleep on top bunk-bed, he had lower bunk-bed, I made a bed on the floor.. Suddenly he jumped out of bed and on top of me, holding my arms down with one hand, he was straddling me so I couldn't move, and he started pulling my pants off with the other hand, and using his feet.. Saying things like, "we are meant for each other, I love you, your so beautiful" while I was yelling "stop, stop, your my brother, this isn't right" and he was saying "I'm not your brother, I never will be your brother, we should be together" and he had my pants off by then, and raped me.. (the rest is a memory blank).
The next day he was calling me names at the breakfast table. Idk why no one stood up for me . I went home that day, and never contacted my dad for another 8 years.. Anytime by boyfriend (now fiancé) or anyone else asked about my dad I just said he was an ******* and they drink too much.. I finally told my fiancé about 5 years ago what happened.
Then I got pregnant, and my dad is his only grandpa, besides my own 86 year old grandpa. And so I got the urge to get my dad back into my life.. I contacted him, and we've been working on re-establishing a relationship since then.. My son is now 2.
Problem is, our relationship is very strained, there's always this "elephant in the room" feeling.. I never told him what happened.. As a result, my dad and his wife isn't close with me and my son, like he is with the rest of their kids/grandkids. My fiancé doesn't think I should say anything to my dad, but how can we ever have a good relationship with this elephant in the room? P.s. I also posted this in another forum, but someone mentioned on someone elses post that this forum has more active members.
WOW...was that last post to me..because you couldnt be further from the mark...what i said or meant was the total opposite so i have to ask was that post relating to me hun...are you ok? you seem pretty down x
Sorry, I'm just trying to understand what you are trying to say.. Maybe I just couldn't get past the part where it felt like you were trying to say that I somehow "asked" for what I got, because I had been drinking and doing drugs.. (which btw I don't do either anymore!!)
Maybe you were trying to point out that the environment itself is toxic? If that was your point, yes, you may be right.. At least the way things were, back then.. My dad now goes to church, and I *think* just an occasional drinker.. But you are right that, idk if my relationship with him could ever be stable enough that I'd feel comfortable letting my son stay over, or anything like that.. It's just hard to be torn into two directions.. I love my grandpas, and just want my son to have a grandpa too.
Maybe you were trying to point out that the environment itself is toxic? If that was your point, yes, you may be right.. At least the way things were, back then.. My dad now goes to church, and I *think* just an occasional drinker.. But you are right that, idk if my relationship with him could ever be stable enough that I'd feel comfortable letting my son stay over, or anything like that.. It's just hard to be torn into two directions.. I love my grandpas, and just want my son to have a grandpa too.
hi..huni..you do whats right for you...and if that means blowing your ******* of a step brother out of the water and upsetting your dad and his family who didnt bother with you till you were 16 and then 9 years again after that...so fricken what?!!! what happened to you is absofrickenloutely not acceptable...you admitted to being on drink and drugs but is that any excuse for someone you put your trust in to rape you.......shocked by a previous response i have to say.....you done without your dad for 16 yrs and this sh.t happend...do you really need him in your life? you have your own family now....but its disgusting this happened to you hun.....wrong wrong wrong wrong wrong.......
based on the fact that you posted this there is no doubt in my mind that you have to tell him. You will feel better about it. I held on to a similar secret for a long time as well… I can tell you: there is a lot of healing, closure, & letting go that comes with sharing the secret & burden with those who should have protected you.
You owe it to yourself and you child to take some of the weight off your shoulders. In my situation, I beat around the bush for years… hinting at what happened. Finally I got frustrated enough and bluntly told my dad. I was always afraid that it would not be taken seriously enough… to be honest… when i told him, it wasn't taken seriously enough (never underestimate the denial of a parent)… regardless, there was still a lot of closure gained with telling & connecting the dots for everyone.
I dont know why your fiance would advise you not to tell… the only chance you have to ever heal and have a relationship with your dad is to tell the truth.
It wasnt till I finally told that I realized that I continued to be violated by the secret I was carrying. Your step brother already took so much from you… dont let him take more.
I think it is safe to say, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
You owe it to yourself and you child to take some of the weight off your shoulders. In my situation, I beat around the bush for years… hinting at what happened. Finally I got frustrated enough and bluntly told my dad. I was always afraid that it would not be taken seriously enough… to be honest… when i told him, it wasn't taken seriously enough (never underestimate the denial of a parent)… regardless, there was still a lot of closure gained with telling & connecting the dots for everyone.
I dont know why your fiance would advise you not to tell… the only chance you have to ever heal and have a relationship with your dad is to tell the truth.
It wasnt till I finally told that I realized that I continued to be violated by the secret I was carrying. Your step brother already took so much from you… dont let him take more.
I think it is safe to say, you have nothing to lose, and everything to gain.
Wow..harsh.. So let me get this straight, your saying that, because I was drunk as well, that made what he did ok? So if I hadn't been drinking, it wouldnt have been ok? I said NO and begged him to stop.. He held me down.. So.. How is what he did in any way my fault, for drinking?
I am past this, forgiven him, come to terms with what happened.. Honestly if I did have a conversation with my dad, I would probably refuse to tell him WHO raped me. This was 11 years ago.. I Stopped talking to my dad for 9 years.. Then suddenly turned up again in his life, because I didn't want my son to suffer for what happened to me, by not having the opportunity to know his grandpa.
P.S. We are getting married next May :) unfortunately plans didn't fall into place before I got pregnant.
I am past this, forgiven him, come to terms with what happened.. Honestly if I did have a conversation with my dad, I would probably refuse to tell him WHO raped me. This was 11 years ago.. I Stopped talking to my dad for 9 years.. Then suddenly turned up again in his life, because I didn't want my son to suffer for what happened to me, by not having the opportunity to know his grandpa.
P.S. We are getting married next May :) unfortunately plans didn't fall into place before I got pregnant.
So, let me try to understand. You think if You tell Your Dad that Your Step-Brother raped You while You were all drinking and doing drugs - that somehow, the elephant will leave and You and Your Dad will be close??....is that what You're thinking??
You were BOTH "wasted"..... and apparently so was all the others? I agree with Your "fiance". I think You should let this go and get on with Your own life.
You "met" Your Dad for the "first" time when You were 16. They are "big drinkers" and "drug users". Love isn't always DNA/Biology. Love is what You make it. Love Your Baby and make a good life.
P.S.
Babies feel secure when Mommy and Daddy are married.
You were BOTH "wasted"..... and apparently so was all the others? I agree with Your "fiance". I think You should let this go and get on with Your own life.
You "met" Your Dad for the "first" time when You were 16. They are "big drinkers" and "drug users". Love isn't always DNA/Biology. Love is what You make it. Love Your Baby and make a good life.
P.S.
Babies feel secure when Mommy and Daddy are married.
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