I (35 years) have been with my boyfriend (31 years) for about 3 years. He has always been loving and kind, but we are somewhat opposite in the way we were raised. I am responsible, take care of my possessions, save money, etc. He struggles with all of these things.
The issues in our relationship are starting to pile up, and I don't know think it's really worth saving. (sorry if this is too long)
#1 He is a momma's boy. BF is an only child, his father is dead, and only believes his mother is his only family left (he has other family but is not as close with them). His mother is also in bad health (overweight, smokes), and BF is constantly worried about her.
About a year ago, BF "moved in" with me to my condo. I use quotes because about 2-3 times a week he will stay over his mother's house after he gets out of work (he works 2pm-10pm). He would mostly stay there because his job is in the same town his Mom lives in, and our condo is 45 minutes away from his work. He would stay over her place and then do chores for his Mom the next morning before he has to go back to work. This became a huge issue with me, because often I could never tell if he was really helping his Mom, or just being too lazy to drive back to our place. I have no problems with him helping her, but he would often give me other excuses like he didn't want to put wear and tear on his car, or he had to get up really early for an appointment. (BTW, he lived in an apartment with roommates before moving in with me, so it's not as if he's going "back home" to stay with her.) This has probably been our biggest issue (up to now) dealing with his staying at his mother's.
I was reading other people's issues on this board and tried to use helpful phrases in my explanation to him about why he should be independent from his mother. It's not really even his mother I have the problem with, like other people experience on this board. I think my boyfriend chooses his mother over me. He feels he owes his mother everything.
I know we are not married, but he talks about marriage all the time and having kids with me. I have a feeling that he was planning on proposing soon.
We had a big discussion, and he definitely seemed like he would never want to be that far away from his Mom. He even insinuated that if we got a bigger place that she would need to eventually live with us if she couldn't take care of herself. He said that he would never ever put her in a nursing home. I have a big problem with that because he is making decisions without my input.
#2 He lies. He is horrible at it too. I've told him not to lie to me because I know when he does. Mostly it started out as little things, but then it escalated to his lying about smoking or using dip. Then he lied to me about having to go to work, but he ended up going to his Mom's to play video games. I was livid when I found this out. I have not been able to fully trust him at all lately. He seems to only just do whatever he wants to do because he thinks I am judging him (and in a sense I am because he has a laundry list of life things he needs to get done).
#3 This is probably the worst one. I recently found out that he had videos on his camera phone of the two of us together in bed. He secretly taped me without me knowing it. This is probably the worst thing I have experienced in a relationship (and I was cheated on 3 months away from getting married with a past relationship). BF has violated my privacy and trust (and this is actually a crime in my state). The worst thing that happened was that when I confronted him about it, he said, "why were you going through my phone?"
I know that this relationship has to end. Things have gone from bad to worse. Nothing has gotten better. I just needed to write all this down for people to hear (and maybe respond to). It's hard going from relationship to relationship and feeling like a failure. I am still in shock and embarrassed about all this. I never thought he would do something as creepy as that. He tells me how much he loves me and how beautiful I am, and how much he cares about me, but why would he do that to me?
Thanks for listening.