Personal Complex When it comes to Sex

[SrferDude]

Hey All,

New to this particular forum, but I'm wondering if it might have something to do with my issues related to the ED forum too.  Figured what the heck, I'd give it a shot.

Long story short, I've struggles with bouts of depressions and anxiety for as long as I can remember and for about the past 7-8 years, have struggled with ED.  I'm only 26 years old at this point and am healthy, in great shape and have been told I'm very attractive (not saying this to sound facetious, just trying to illustrate as best as I can every aspect of what I'm dealing with).

Basically, I've always had this yearning with every woman I've ever been involved with to be the best experience they've ever had (both in bed and in the relationship in general).  I'm wondering if my wanting to be a "Don Juan" during sex has something to do with my ED issues as I tend to put a lot of pressure on myself.  Either way, here's my current situation.

Involved with a GREAT girl...very easy going...no pressure even though I still struggle with ED even when I'm alone (however, I'm trying to abstain from porn, masturbation and smoking marijuana for a period of time to see if this will alleviate any of my symptoms) and for some reason I get this feeling of inferiority around her.  Again, I am NOT trying to be an arrogant person as I'm explaining this but I'm well-educated, have a great job/career, and live in a great city with a lot of friends and opportunities to introduce this girl to great and fun things that she's not used to.  I guess my question is this, we recently had sex that was mind-blowing and of course me, trying to feed my ego, asked "have you ever experienced anything this intense before?" And she honestly replied "yea but it was far and few in between."

For some reason I've ALWAYS compared myself to my current gf's ex's to see where I'm "better" or why they would like me more than the other people with whom they've been involved.  The girls that I know I've been the best experience to I've obviously had zero pressure and no issues.  I'm very openly asking if there's a way to get over this mental hump to stop trying to compare myself to a person's past experiences and wanting to be better than what they've had in the past.  I guess I sometimes feel that if I'm not better than what they had, then I'm not all that special to them in the end?  I know it's a twisted way to think and I admit that but I'm just trying to get some honest feedback of how to overcome this complex I have as I recognize it, do not like and want to change my thinking around this issue.

Thanks everyone.

[brice1967]

Dude, I'm here to tell you that putting pressure on yourself to be the "best" in the sack all of the time can certainly be an issue with ED.  I think all of us guys want to "knock the bottom out of it" every single time.  It ain't going to happen bro... not every single time!

There are a lot of things you can do to make sure she is having a good time.  Perform cunnilingus or manual stimulation to ensure she gets hers before you get yours....  

You can't compare yourself to your partners past experiences.  First off, it does no good,  You're not that guy.  Secondly.... what's the use?  What do you get out of the comparison?  Stressed out, right?  Dude, you can only be the best you there is...

No offense, but when you asked your girl if she'd "ever experienced anything like this", you set yourelf up for a let down.  What you wanted to hear was, "Oh hell no, you are the man!!!  I may never walk right again!"  Instead, what you got was the truth, and you should, at the end of the day, be thankful.  She was 100% truthful, and look at it this way.  She did say she had, but its few and far between.... sounds like you measure up or have met her expectations.  Take that and run with it dog.

Not every experience is going to be the best... but I'll be damned if they all aren't good!  LOL!!!  Relax dude, you can only be the best you.  

[AnnieBrooke]

The thing about therapists and therapy is to talk, not to ask them to say things to you, and to listen and learn from what you find yourself saying.  Again, with respect, since you sound like you are trying to work on this, thinking "why the hell do I pay them when I know exactly what they're going to tell me" sounds like a self-protective mechanism so you don't have to think hard about what you are going through.  You get to dis the therapist and don't have to change or learn.  Try to find a therapist who does not prescribe to you or "tell" you much of anything, but just listens and paraphrases what he or she hears you saying, to keep you going.  Then listen to what is coming up for you, and think hard about it.  It's amazing how much movement you can get in a relatively short period of time in therapy when you're ready to open yourself to whatever you might find.  

[Aimar]

Hey,

Well all i can tell you from everything that is going on with you is to be positive, like you say when you got to the therapist u came out the same.. i've had depression before and what has helped me out alot is to think every morning as a new day, a new chance, new opportunity to make you life better or your day.. i would always feel this emptiness inside me... One day i woke up and said ENOUGH is ENOUGH feeling less than everyone else... you have to gain the power that comes with in you... in your mind your hear, only you have the power and strenght to radically change your mind and life. ive been thru alot, some situations that honestly i thought i count handle but thats life and we have to make the best of it... life is too short to be dealing with those feelings... i am happy now, yea i have major problems but i wount let that shadow my Life... The MIND is very powerful we have to lear how to train our minds and trust me you will feel better about your self and secured. Gain courage I Know you have with in you... What comes out of your mouth that what you DECLARING for your life... Dont say you will be stuck with this feeling, SAy I will be better and leave this rotten feeling... Say I DONT WANT THEM they are not part on me my life so YOUR OUT!!!!! say that everytime your start having those feeling and thoughts.

Good Luck and hope that helps. :)

[SrferDude]

I appreciate the feedback and believe me, I'm well aware I have some insecurity/anxiety issues.  I've dealt with them for the better part of my life and I've been to sex therapists and regular psychotherapists for years...all of which do absolutely nothing.  I walk out of their offices thinking to myself why the hell do I pay them when I know exactly what they're going to tell me.  Just wanted to post on here to see if it was possible to gain a different perspective is all.

mindy - You couldn't be further from the truth when you say I'm arrogant lol.  Although I fake it pretty well from what I'm told from people who know me, I'm VERY insecure as you can see.  Either way, I appreciate the honest feedback.   I just really don't know what to do at this point anymore.  The anxiety/insecurities have fed into my depression over the years and it's really taken a toll on me mentally and emotionally.  I've kinda come to terms with the fact that this problem will never be fixed and I'm just stuck in this cyclical thinking/train of thought.

Thanks again.

[mindy1977]

Sorry, couldn't pass up the chance to chime in on this one.  You admitted that when you asked your current girlfriend about your sex that it was to "feed your ego" and although you continue to apologize for it throughout your post, you seem to think a lot of yourself.  I think you should find a therapist (preferably a male) because if you want to be every woman's best, then there's no surprise you have an ed issue.  Honestly, if you asked me that after sex, because you posed it as a question, I would have thought you were an arrogant ***, but that's just me.  I do think you need to talk to somebody though, you sound like you have a lot going for you, so I'm sure your problem is fixable.  But do me a favor, read your post but try to read it like somebody else wrote it (the post is not yours)... what do you think?

[AnnieBrooke]

Srfer, I mean this kindly -- it sounds pretty insecure, to me ... sex isn't a contest.  I'd work on the anxiety and insecurities, and relaxation about all kinds of matters (including sexual) should follow.  I assume you've had therapy about the anxiety?  If my life was promoting anxiety and the feeling that I to compare myself to everyone (known and unknown) all the time, I would seriously consider changing my job or even my town, to find a more relaxed pace.  But that's all your call.