Aa
Boyfriend may be moving away
My boyfriend lost his job about 3 months ago - he owned his own company and had to make the gut-wrenching decision to close the doors. We live in a pretty urban city, and there are several job opportunities, but mostly healthcare and construction. He worked as the owner of a steel fabrication company for 10 years, and says he no longer wants to be in the construction industry. I work in healthcare, and he is wanting to do the same, but he feels like he's not qualified. Most of the positions he's looking for require a masters degree, or a few years of experience in healthcare, neither of which he has.
We've been together almost 9 months. When he first lost his job, he made jokes about us moving away together. His family lives here, and he's pretty much been in this city his whole life. He's told me several times he really doesn't want to move. Yesterday, he told me he's applied for 2 jobs in another state. Both jobs are 3 hours away or less. I know he's applied for several jobs here too, but I don't know how serious he is about moving somewhere else if he gets an offer. He also just took his house off the market, so he's not planning on selling it anytime soon. He says he doesn't know if he would take one of the jobs even if they were offered to him, but if it paid well enough he would just get an apartment for a year or 18 months, commute here on the weekends, and then try to move back at some point.
I know he's having a hard time right now, but I'm really starting to worry that he might move away. I know he wants to be in this area permanently to be close to his family. I'm just not sure what it means for us - he hasn't said one way or the other if he wants to stay together. He's done long distance relationships in the past, but I haven't. I'm really not sure if he assumes we'll stay together, or what he's thinking. We've met each other's families - in fact I have dinner with his parents at least once a week. He also told one of his friends recently that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. One of my good friends told me he may only be saying these things to find out how serious I am about our relationship.
I just need some advice on how to address this issue with him - I really don't want to put anymore pressure on him, but I feel like after 9 months this is something we should talk about. I don't want to put several more months into this relationship if he already knows he's not going to stay with me if he has to move. Do I bring this up now, or wait until he actually gets a job interview?
We've been together almost 9 months. When he first lost his job, he made jokes about us moving away together. His family lives here, and he's pretty much been in this city his whole life. He's told me several times he really doesn't want to move. Yesterday, he told me he's applied for 2 jobs in another state. Both jobs are 3 hours away or less. I know he's applied for several jobs here too, but I don't know how serious he is about moving somewhere else if he gets an offer. He also just took his house off the market, so he's not planning on selling it anytime soon. He says he doesn't know if he would take one of the jobs even if they were offered to him, but if it paid well enough he would just get an apartment for a year or 18 months, commute here on the weekends, and then try to move back at some point.
I know he's having a hard time right now, but I'm really starting to worry that he might move away. I know he wants to be in this area permanently to be close to his family. I'm just not sure what it means for us - he hasn't said one way or the other if he wants to stay together. He's done long distance relationships in the past, but I haven't. I'm really not sure if he assumes we'll stay together, or what he's thinking. We've met each other's families - in fact I have dinner with his parents at least once a week. He also told one of his friends recently that I'm the best girlfriend he's ever had. One of my good friends told me he may only be saying these things to find out how serious I am about our relationship.
I just need some advice on how to address this issue with him - I really don't want to put anymore pressure on him, but I feel like after 9 months this is something we should talk about. I don't want to put several more months into this relationship if he already knows he's not going to stay with me if he has to move. Do I bring this up now, or wait until he actually gets a job interview?
I'm surprised that you are surprised at how he is acting. From the outside looking in, this guy totally cares for you. I think that everyone who's commented on it would confirm it.
It almost sounds like it is you who is reluctant about the relationship moving on.
I wish you well.
It almost sounds like it is you who is reluctant about the relationship moving on.
I wish you well.
Well...see what becomes of all this. I still just think it's a rough patch you all are going through.
We hung out last night. We had a really good time - beforehand, I had honestly prepared myself to end things with him. I had really been thinking over the past couple of days on whether or not I wanted this type of relationship.
He had to drive 3 hours for a job interview yesterday, and then he drove 3 hours back to pick me up so we could go to a show. We had a lot of fun, and he told me last night that one of his friends we haven't seen in a while really missed me. He said he wants the 3 of us to get together soon and hang out like we used to. After the show, I thought he would take me home, but he took me to get some drinks and we went back to his house. We spent the night together, but did nothing physical. He laid next to me with his arms around me and kissed me several times.
He had a few errands to run this morning, and I have family/friends in town for the rest of the weekend. I didn't invite him to come along, and I don't think I should. When he brought me back home this morning, he didn't say anything about when we'd get together again. I really feel like I should probably just wait for him to contact me from now on.
I was surprised at how normal the night went and that he was acting as affectionate as usual. I'm still not quite sure what it means or how things are going to change, but for now I'll be patient. I know there's still a big possibility I won't be able to do this 'new' relationship - and I think I will know sooner rather than later if I need to move on. Thanks for all your help :)
He had to drive 3 hours for a job interview yesterday, and then he drove 3 hours back to pick me up so we could go to a show. We had a lot of fun, and he told me last night that one of his friends we haven't seen in a while really missed me. He said he wants the 3 of us to get together soon and hang out like we used to. After the show, I thought he would take me home, but he took me to get some drinks and we went back to his house. We spent the night together, but did nothing physical. He laid next to me with his arms around me and kissed me several times.
He had a few errands to run this morning, and I have family/friends in town for the rest of the weekend. I didn't invite him to come along, and I don't think I should. When he brought me back home this morning, he didn't say anything about when we'd get together again. I really feel like I should probably just wait for him to contact me from now on.
I was surprised at how normal the night went and that he was acting as affectionate as usual. I'm still not quite sure what it means or how things are going to change, but for now I'll be patient. I know there's still a big possibility I won't be able to do this 'new' relationship - and I think I will know sooner rather than later if I need to move on. Thanks for all your help :)
Well, see him tomorrow and take it from there.
I really think this is a rough patch you all are going through.
May I ask.....why is this "Joe" person relaying all this info back to you? I would be careful with that. Sometimes things can be misinterpreted and relayed back to you. Be Careful.
Keep us posted dear.
I really think this is a rough patch you all are going through.
May I ask.....why is this "Joe" person relaying all this info back to you? I would be careful with that. Sometimes things can be misinterpreted and relayed back to you. Be Careful.
Keep us posted dear.
Thanks...I think I really need to get this clairified when we hang out tomorrow. He went to dinner with my guy friend "Joe" last night, and he texted me while he was there. I was out with friends, so I didn't text back. He called me after he left dinner, and left a voicemail.
Joe also called me after they had dinner, and he told me that my boyf didn't say anything about us breaking up, or that we were having problems. Joe said talked about his upcoming job interviews, and told him he really didn't want to move away. However, he told Joe that sometimes it's hard to tell what I'm thinking, and that he felt his job uncertainty was really stressing me. Joe said he was really concerned he was upsetting me, and he really doesn't want me to be mad at him.
Other than those comments, Joe said he acted like everything was totally normal with us. He told him that we had a date tomorrow night as well.
I tried calling my boyf back very late last night when I got in, but he didn't answer. He's texted a couple of times today. I've decided during this time, I'm going to focus more on myself than on the relationship. I'm not going to make any plans with him - I'll let him come to me. I have several events planned in the next few weeks, and I think I need to do them on my own. I think that way we can both decide if this is what we really want...
Joe also called me after they had dinner, and he told me that my boyf didn't say anything about us breaking up, or that we were having problems. Joe said talked about his upcoming job interviews, and told him he really didn't want to move away. However, he told Joe that sometimes it's hard to tell what I'm thinking, and that he felt his job uncertainty was really stressing me. Joe said he was really concerned he was upsetting me, and he really doesn't want me to be mad at him.
Other than those comments, Joe said he acted like everything was totally normal with us. He told him that we had a date tomorrow night as well.
I tried calling my boyf back very late last night when I got in, but he didn't answer. He's texted a couple of times today. I've decided during this time, I'm going to focus more on myself than on the relationship. I'm not going to make any plans with him - I'll let him come to me. I have several events planned in the next few weeks, and I think I need to do them on my own. I think that way we can both decide if this is what we really want...
1 Comments
it seems that he did not have any relationship experience (long term) and is playing games with you. I would just brake up and find someone else. i had a baby with someone like this. in the one year relationship he was always saying how he wanted to possibly go back to Ontario. Well after we had a baby (my daughter is 3 now) he decided that he wanted to go to ontario on a vacation. When he was there for one month he found a job in ontario and is now planning to stay there for at least five more months. He will send me my daughter with his dad (so that he can babysit) but he wants to stay there. I should have listened to his initial 'wants' before i had a baby with him.
Yes, clarify this "starover" business; determine if this means friends or more than friends still but taking everything a bit slower and down a notch......DO CLARIFY.
He is probably feeling like a complete failure. And then that business with the "affirmation and reassurance" didn't really help matters. Men take failure EXTREME.
If you are still confused on your end what to do make a pro and con list in regards to the relationship and see what you come up with. I think the pros will outweigh the cons. Get that "startover" business clarified FIRST.
He is probably feeling like a complete failure. And then that business with the "affirmation and reassurance" didn't really help matters. Men take failure EXTREME.
If you are still confused on your end what to do make a pro and con list in regards to the relationship and see what you come up with. I think the pros will outweigh the cons. Get that "startover" business clarified FIRST.
Thanks Londres. I'm not sure what to think. I just got off the phone with him a few minutes ago - he called me and wanted to make plans for Friday. He also wanted to know if we wanted to do something together next weekend.
He has had a few networking activities this week, and while we were talking on the phone, he was telling me about some of the jobs he was looking at. All of them were local jobs. He also made the comment that he could sit out another 6 months if he had to, but he doesn't want to do that. I'm so confused...
I think we need to have another conversation, and I need to ask him EXACTLY what we are going to do and what this new relationship means. I don't want to get into this situation only to realize he just wants to be 'friends.'
He has had a few networking activities this week, and while we were talking on the phone, he was telling me about some of the jobs he was looking at. All of them were local jobs. He also made the comment that he could sit out another 6 months if he had to, but he doesn't want to do that. I'm so confused...
I think we need to have another conversation, and I need to ask him EXACTLY what we are going to do and what this new relationship means. I don't want to get into this situation only to realize he just wants to be 'friends.'
Well, you indeed did talk to him....WOW. So sorry you didn't hear what you wanted to hear, but he spoke to you honestly and obvious from the heart as he was emotional. I think he is thinking that if you all take things down a "notch" it will be less stress on you and him at this time.
Dear....this is typical of a man......NO JOB=BIG FAILURE IN LIFE. Plus, he lost his business. His self-worth is taking a "beating."
I think he is just trying to be fair to you as he knows he can't fully give his "all" to the relationship at this time because he has this employment situation, etc. going on. Sounds like he wants you still in his life just not "front and center" as this job situation needs that position. He never said anything about ending the relationship. This man REALLY loves you and he is just in a bad spot at this time. Plus, it seems you gave him some indication that he wasn't giving you enough "affirmation and reassurance" causing you stress. Then, it bothered him that you felt not affirmed and reassured enough........yes, I would say you all had some communication issues.
On the other hand, if you need "this and that" NOW from the relationship and he is unable to give "this and that" to you now then there is a problem.
I am not exactly sure what this "startover" means or what it entails. You can take you chances and see what happens as no one can 100% predict how this will end up if you wait this out.
Don't obsess over this and talk with him later on today with a FRESH mind.
To be perfectly honest, I still think you are bringing past relationship issues into this relationship "clouding" it a bit. I am not sure why you are having all these insecurities, self-doubts and needing extra reassurance, etc. from him.
Dear....this is typical of a man......NO JOB=BIG FAILURE IN LIFE. Plus, he lost his business. His self-worth is taking a "beating."
I think he is just trying to be fair to you as he knows he can't fully give his "all" to the relationship at this time because he has this employment situation, etc. going on. Sounds like he wants you still in his life just not "front and center" as this job situation needs that position. He never said anything about ending the relationship. This man REALLY loves you and he is just in a bad spot at this time. Plus, it seems you gave him some indication that he wasn't giving you enough "affirmation and reassurance" causing you stress. Then, it bothered him that you felt not affirmed and reassured enough........yes, I would say you all had some communication issues.
On the other hand, if you need "this and that" NOW from the relationship and he is unable to give "this and that" to you now then there is a problem.
I am not exactly sure what this "startover" means or what it entails. You can take you chances and see what happens as no one can 100% predict how this will end up if you wait this out.
Don't obsess over this and talk with him later on today with a FRESH mind.
To be perfectly honest, I still think you are bringing past relationship issues into this relationship "clouding" it a bit. I am not sure why you are having all these insecurities, self-doubts and needing extra reassurance, etc. from him.
Thanks for the comments Brice and Londres.
My fears pretty much came true last night. He called me and wanted to have dinner last night. After we got back to his house, he told me what I said to him on Sunday really hit home for him, and he realized that over the course of our relationship, he feels like his head has been so consumed with his work life, and the surgery he had several months ago that he hasn't been able to give me what I need in this relationship. I have been in a very stressful job situation myself, and he felt like his inability to fully commit to the relationship has caused even more stress to me. He had a conversation with his friends before he talked to me last night, and he told them he hasn't been able to help relieve some of the stress in my life because of what is going on in his own head.
We talked for hours last night. He was very emotional and crying quite a bit. He basically told me because of the loss of his company, he feels like a failure. He isn't sure he wants to leave and find another job, but part of him feels like he needs to - at least for a short time. He said he knows over the next several months, he's going to have to reinvent himself and he has no idea what that will look like. He also said he knows in his mind he can't give anymore to the relationship than what he's been giving. He asked me if there's anyway that we can turn the volume down on the relationship for a while. He said he's never spent as much time with anyone as he has with me, and he feels like I've been his best friend over the last 9 months. He said he thinks that we shouldn't have any high expectations right now, and he also thinks we should stop sleeping together for a while. He said it's not fair to me to stress about his life, when things are so up in the air.
He said I made a comment to him once several weeks ago, and he felt like I thought he was taking me for granted, and it had really been bothering him. He said he had been wondering if I needed time away from the relationship, since he thought his lack of affirmation and reassurance was causing me stress. I explained to him that I never felt like he was stressing me, but since he lost the company in January, I had been very sensitive to his feelings and was careful about things I shared with him. I also told him before we talked last night, I had considered taking time away from him - and he didn't like that idea.
Normally in this situation I would've walked out the door and never looked back. He said he kept wondering if he should say anything to me at all because he doesn't want to lose me in his life. He started telling me all the things he really likes about me, and he got really emotional when we talked on the phone Monday night. He loves talking to me on the phone for hours and spending time with me. We both agreed we've also had some communication problems along the way. By the end of our conversation, he asked if there was a way that we could sort of start over. He said he wants me to start going to church with him, and he still wants me to spend time with his family. He asked me if we could go to a concert on Friday night. I agreed to go, but I told him I really don't know what this 'new' relationship will look like. I don't want to feel like I'm just hanging around. I also told him that there is a possibility I may decide I can't hit the reset button, and I will walk away completely. He knows I don't believe in being friends after a serious relationship.
He asked me to stay last night, and he carried me up to his room and held me in his arms all night. As I was leaving he kissed me and held me for a long time, and told me he would call me tonight. I really don't know what to do at this point. Part of me is scared that I will try this 'new' relationship and he may still decide not to be with me, OR I may just give up completely. This is brand new to me and I've never been through this before. I really do care for him a lot, but I know it'll be very difficult for me. I feel like I'm going to end up getting extremely hurt by all this :(
My fears pretty much came true last night. He called me and wanted to have dinner last night. After we got back to his house, he told me what I said to him on Sunday really hit home for him, and he realized that over the course of our relationship, he feels like his head has been so consumed with his work life, and the surgery he had several months ago that he hasn't been able to give me what I need in this relationship. I have been in a very stressful job situation myself, and he felt like his inability to fully commit to the relationship has caused even more stress to me. He had a conversation with his friends before he talked to me last night, and he told them he hasn't been able to help relieve some of the stress in my life because of what is going on in his own head.
We talked for hours last night. He was very emotional and crying quite a bit. He basically told me because of the loss of his company, he feels like a failure. He isn't sure he wants to leave and find another job, but part of him feels like he needs to - at least for a short time. He said he knows over the next several months, he's going to have to reinvent himself and he has no idea what that will look like. He also said he knows in his mind he can't give anymore to the relationship than what he's been giving. He asked me if there's anyway that we can turn the volume down on the relationship for a while. He said he's never spent as much time with anyone as he has with me, and he feels like I've been his best friend over the last 9 months. He said he thinks that we shouldn't have any high expectations right now, and he also thinks we should stop sleeping together for a while. He said it's not fair to me to stress about his life, when things are so up in the air.
He said I made a comment to him once several weeks ago, and he felt like I thought he was taking me for granted, and it had really been bothering him. He said he had been wondering if I needed time away from the relationship, since he thought his lack of affirmation and reassurance was causing me stress. I explained to him that I never felt like he was stressing me, but since he lost the company in January, I had been very sensitive to his feelings and was careful about things I shared with him. I also told him before we talked last night, I had considered taking time away from him - and he didn't like that idea.
Normally in this situation I would've walked out the door and never looked back. He said he kept wondering if he should say anything to me at all because he doesn't want to lose me in his life. He started telling me all the things he really likes about me, and he got really emotional when we talked on the phone Monday night. He loves talking to me on the phone for hours and spending time with me. We both agreed we've also had some communication problems along the way. By the end of our conversation, he asked if there was a way that we could sort of start over. He said he wants me to start going to church with him, and he still wants me to spend time with his family. He asked me if we could go to a concert on Friday night. I agreed to go, but I told him I really don't know what this 'new' relationship will look like. I don't want to feel like I'm just hanging around. I also told him that there is a possibility I may decide I can't hit the reset button, and I will walk away completely. He knows I don't believe in being friends after a serious relationship.
He asked me to stay last night, and he carried me up to his room and held me in his arms all night. As I was leaving he kissed me and held me for a long time, and told me he would call me tonight. I really don't know what to do at this point. Part of me is scared that I will try this 'new' relationship and he may still decide not to be with me, OR I may just give up completely. This is brand new to me and I've never been through this before. I really do care for him a lot, but I know it'll be very difficult for me. I feel like I'm going to end up getting extremely hurt by all this :(
Well...did the guy friend call your bf or visa versa? I wouldn't make a big deal about that. Maybe he just feels like he needs some "man time"; no biggie.
I am not sure why you are already "assuming" he is just going to up and leave you. It's like you have this overwhelming fear of being left or dumped.
I will agree with Brice about this is NOT the time to take a "vacation" from him; don't distance yourself from him.
I am not sure why you are already "assuming" he is just going to up and leave you. It's like you have this overwhelming fear of being left or dumped.
I will agree with Brice about this is NOT the time to take a "vacation" from him; don't distance yourself from him.
From everything you mentioned above, it sounds like this man is taking into account everything regarding the future, you included. At no point did I see anything that said "I am taking another job in another city, and I am leaving you." That was not there... Also, I am not for sure of the usefulness of your friend saying that he may be saying these things to "test the relationship". Maybe your boyfriend has the very same concerns you do???
Maybe he is thinking, "If I don't have a job, why would she stay?"
Bottom line is, conversation... honest conversation is the key here. I'd do everything I could right now to make sure that I was NOT the reason he left the relationship and concentrate on being the very same reason he stays in the relationship.
Really after 9 months and you are having dinner once a week with his parents... the relationship sounds pretty secure to me.
Another thing to take into account is, men and women's priorities are different.... for me, I am nothing to my wife and kids if I cannot provide. Employment and staying employed means everything to me. (Maybe its just me, or maybe it is a gender stereotype?) Employment to me means survival... not just personally but as a family unit.
Now is the perfect time for communication rather than "vacation" in my opinion. Between you and him... not friends... They are not "in" the relationship and don't have the investment that either you or he has in the relationship. Talk to him, tell him your feelings and listen to his. All are valid and all of them must be spoken and heard.
Maybe he is thinking, "If I don't have a job, why would she stay?"
Bottom line is, conversation... honest conversation is the key here. I'd do everything I could right now to make sure that I was NOT the reason he left the relationship and concentrate on being the very same reason he stays in the relationship.
Really after 9 months and you are having dinner once a week with his parents... the relationship sounds pretty secure to me.
Another thing to take into account is, men and women's priorities are different.... for me, I am nothing to my wife and kids if I cannot provide. Employment and staying employed means everything to me. (Maybe its just me, or maybe it is a gender stereotype?) Employment to me means survival... not just personally but as a family unit.
Now is the perfect time for communication rather than "vacation" in my opinion. Between you and him... not friends... They are not "in" the relationship and don't have the investment that either you or he has in the relationship. Talk to him, tell him your feelings and listen to his. All are valid and all of them must be spoken and heard.
I actually called him last night - one of our guy friends told me he talked to him yesterday, and made plans to hang out with him this week. I was just surprised that he didn't text/call me at all, but he was making plans with our friends? Hopefully he was just giving me space.
I guess one of the things bothering me is that his last relationship was long distance. He dated a girl for about 10 months and she lived 6 hours away. He drove to see her pretty often - so I'm not sure why he couldn't give me a straight answer on the distance thing? He's told me how awful she was to him, and how much happier he is with me.
We talked for 2 hours last night. He didn't say anything about our conversation on Sunday. I really have this uneasy feeling that he is going to relocate for a job and leave me behind. We normally see his parents once or twice a week, and it's going to be difficult for me to act 'normal' around them. It's so hard to devote time with him and his family when I feel like he could be moving away in a month. I really think I need to take about a week away from him, and just see how he responds.
I guess one of the things bothering me is that his last relationship was long distance. He dated a girl for about 10 months and she lived 6 hours away. He drove to see her pretty often - so I'm not sure why he couldn't give me a straight answer on the distance thing? He's told me how awful she was to him, and how much happier he is with me.
We talked for 2 hours last night. He didn't say anything about our conversation on Sunday. I really have this uneasy feeling that he is going to relocate for a job and leave me behind. We normally see his parents once or twice a week, and it's going to be difficult for me to act 'normal' around them. It's so hard to devote time with him and his family when I feel like he could be moving away in a month. I really think I need to take about a week away from him, and just see how he responds.
Dear.....don't start letting your insecurities get the best of you. Sounds like things are ok. He has got ALOT on his plate right now and the biggest problem is being unemployed.
Did he contact you yet?
Did he contact you yet?
COMMUNITY LEADER
I don't have much to add to the good advice you've already gotten. Sometimes we just react hon and we must understand that we are human. He'll contact you soon, I'm sure. Take a deep breath, it will be okay. I just feel that for some reason. Peace sweetie
Thanks...I'm having a hard time with this right now. I still haven't heard from him, and it's been over 24 hours. He's never really gone this long without talking to me. I can't tell if he's giving me space because I was upset yesterday, or if he needs some space from me.
Despite my feelings yesterday, I really felt like he was trying to show me that everything was ok. But after not hearing from him, I feel like I might have scared him. I'm not sure why he invited me to have lunch with his family if he wasn't ok?
Despite my feelings yesterday, I really felt like he was trying to show me that everything was ok. But after not hearing from him, I feel like I might have scared him. I'm not sure why he invited me to have lunch with his family if he wasn't ok?
Don't END this.
He sounds like he is TOTALLY confused and he is probably HIGHLY concerned about employment and everything else is secondary at this point. The job market now is pretty rough and people are unfortunately being put in a position where they have to take jobs that are far from where they want to work and live.
I would just give him some space to absorb what you said to him yesterday and see what happens.
DO NOT BREAK THIS OFF.......this is just a ROUGH PATCH in my opinion. You would be breaking up with him based on a situation that HASN'T even happened. Who knows, tomorrow he could find something in town. You NEVER know.
HANG IN THERE. I know he loves you.....well, I am getting that feeling.
He sounds like he is TOTALLY confused and he is probably HIGHLY concerned about employment and everything else is secondary at this point. The job market now is pretty rough and people are unfortunately being put in a position where they have to take jobs that are far from where they want to work and live.
I would just give him some space to absorb what you said to him yesterday and see what happens.
DO NOT BREAK THIS OFF.......this is just a ROUGH PATCH in my opinion. You would be breaking up with him based on a situation that HASN'T even happened. Who knows, tomorrow he could find something in town. You NEVER know.
HANG IN THERE. I know he loves you.....well, I am getting that feeling.
So...we finally talked a little yesterday morning. Saturday night, he randomly said he really doesn't want to move for a job, but felt like he was finding more jobs he was qualified for in other cities. He then told me he applied for two jobs in Texas, which is quite far from where we live. We went to bed shortly after and I barely slept. When I woke up yesterday morning, I was going to leave and spend the day with a friend. He asked why I was leaving, and I told him I had a lot on my mind. He kept pressing me to talk, so I asked how serious he was about moving. And, if he did, would he want to continue the relationship. He sat without saying anything for a while, and I said "I guess that's my answer." He pulled me over to him and started rubbing my back, and said it wasn't his answer - he really had not thought that far ahead. He said right now he wasn't looking at the job and our relationship as 2 separate things. He started asking me how I feel now, and I said I felt bad for putting even more stress on him. (that probably wasn't the answer he was looking for, but I didn't know what to say)
He told me he doesn't want to be in the same position in 6 months as he is today, and he's concerned he might be if he doesn't find a job soon. He also said he doesn't know if he's leaving for sure because he hasn't even had an interview yet. I told him that if he already knew he doesn't want to stay with me if he has to relocate, I'd rather not continue the relationship and just 'wait and see' what happens. I don't want to invest a lot of time with him if he's just going to leave knowing he doesn't want to be with me. He understood, but told me he hasn't made a decision on the job yet. He also said he wasn't ignorning the situation and he wants us to talk about it more. He wrapped me in his arms and kept kissing me, and telling me how important I am to him. He also apologized for upsetting me, and he said he never wants to see me hurting. I laid next to him not saying anything, because I felt like I would cry. He laid with me and held me for a couple of hours, just rubbing my back and kissing me. His mom called while we were cuddling, because he was going to have lunch with her for Mother's Day. He asked me to come along, and I told him I wasn't sure I should. He really wanted me to go, and he said his parents would love to see me too. We went and had a great time at lunch, and he kept rubbing my leg and my back in front of his parents - and we normally don't do that in front of them.
After lunch he dropped me back off at my house, and I told him I was going to a friends house for the rest of the evening. He went back to his parent's house to help move furniture. I spent the night at my friends house, and I've heard nothing from him since. I talked to my friend and her fiance for a long time last night, and they both told me he's probably testing the relationship, and trying to gage my reaction. They both feel like he wants to be with me, but he's unsure of my true feelings for him. None of our friends think he's serious about moving away because he's always lived here except for college. However, I don't want to think that way, and then be surprised when he's offered a job. I'm not sure how to move forward with him. Part of me feels like I should just end it now and save myself alot of grief.
He told me he doesn't want to be in the same position in 6 months as he is today, and he's concerned he might be if he doesn't find a job soon. He also said he doesn't know if he's leaving for sure because he hasn't even had an interview yet. I told him that if he already knew he doesn't want to stay with me if he has to relocate, I'd rather not continue the relationship and just 'wait and see' what happens. I don't want to invest a lot of time with him if he's just going to leave knowing he doesn't want to be with me. He understood, but told me he hasn't made a decision on the job yet. He also said he wasn't ignorning the situation and he wants us to talk about it more. He wrapped me in his arms and kept kissing me, and telling me how important I am to him. He also apologized for upsetting me, and he said he never wants to see me hurting. I laid next to him not saying anything, because I felt like I would cry. He laid with me and held me for a couple of hours, just rubbing my back and kissing me. His mom called while we were cuddling, because he was going to have lunch with her for Mother's Day. He asked me to come along, and I told him I wasn't sure I should. He really wanted me to go, and he said his parents would love to see me too. We went and had a great time at lunch, and he kept rubbing my leg and my back in front of his parents - and we normally don't do that in front of them.
After lunch he dropped me back off at my house, and I told him I was going to a friends house for the rest of the evening. He went back to his parent's house to help move furniture. I spent the night at my friends house, and I've heard nothing from him since. I talked to my friend and her fiance for a long time last night, and they both told me he's probably testing the relationship, and trying to gage my reaction. They both feel like he wants to be with me, but he's unsure of my true feelings for him. None of our friends think he's serious about moving away because he's always lived here except for college. However, I don't want to think that way, and then be surprised when he's offered a job. I'm not sure how to move forward with him. Part of me feels like I should just end it now and save myself alot of grief.
I really think You ought to have a Frank Discussion with Him. After 9 months I don't think this would come as a Surprise and maybe He want's to know where You are coming from? Openess and Frankness couldn't hurt. You will both Know and Understand where You Stand with One Another.
Let Us Know.
Good Luck !!
Let Us Know.
Good Luck !!
Thanks - someone else told me he probably hadn't even thought about it yet, and he's probably thinking I'm on board no matter what. I will definitely talk to him though, just to see what he's thinking. Thanks for the comments :D
I think the first thing on his mind is getting employed and the rest he will decide after that. As employment equals "bread and butter."
If I were to guess, I think he will continue the relationship based on this statement from you...."He says he doesn't know if he would take one of the jobs even if they were offered to him, but if it paid well enough he would just get an apartment for a year or 18 months, commute here on the weekends, and then try to move back at some point."
I can't say I am 100% correct because I am not him.
Again, talk to him about this since there could be a possibility he doesn't want to continue the relationship.
If I were to guess, I think he will continue the relationship based on this statement from you...."He says he doesn't know if he would take one of the jobs even if they were offered to him, but if it paid well enough he would just get an apartment for a year or 18 months, commute here on the weekends, and then try to move back at some point."
I can't say I am 100% correct because I am not him.
Again, talk to him about this since there could be a possibility he doesn't want to continue the relationship.
Yes, we've been exclusive the whole time. Do you think it sounds like he's wanting to continue the relationship if he plans on commuting back and forth?
Well...sounds like he is not even sure what he is going to do in regards to his employment and that will effect your relationship. All is "up in the air" at this point so perhaps that's why he is isn't saying much about what he is planning on doing with the relationship between you two just yet.
You can ask him if he decides to move will he want to continue the relationship or not so that you have some idea.
BTW: I can't see him getting any job in the medical field without any certificate or degree and no experience. He definitely will need a degree to make any decent money in that field.
Talk to him about your concerns and see what he says.
You can ask him if he decides to move will he want to continue the relationship or not so that you have some idea.
BTW: I can't see him getting any job in the medical field without any certificate or degree and no experience. He definitely will need a degree to make any decent money in that field.
Talk to him about your concerns and see what he says.
".....but I feel after 9 months this is something we should talk about"
sounds like a good start to me. Have You and He dated exclusively in this amount of time? Nine months is almost a year - I don't think it's unreasonable to talk about future plans.
Good Luck.
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